Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Dating Game/Valentines Day

In America we can tell what time of year it is to some degree by the holiday trinkets being hawked by the grocery stores. If you see Christmas items you will know that it is at least August. By September you will see Halloween and Thanksgiving items. By early January cheap red plastic hearts, bad tasting heart shaped candy, and rose sales will remind you of the most pathetic of all holidays, Valentines day.

I am sure that I will take some heat for airing my opinion on the "holiday for lovers." Go ahead, complain, it only encourages me. My reasons for disliking Valentines day are seeming never ending. Essentially this is a fabricated holiday which preys on emotions and gives the illusion that one day of love will make up for an entire year of faded love. Not so. If feelings of guilt can spur "loving" actions, I don't think there is much love involved in the equation. Valentines day. The holiday for the unromantic. The holiday for greeting card companies to sell any kind of crap with a red heart on it.

One of the least romantic aspects of this pathetic holiday is the obligation. Don't forget. or you will be in trouble! Trouble? If I love someone I am not going to sit around waiting for Valentines day to express it. I would hope that my partner would not be holding a check list and rewarding me with "love" like a golden retriever. My personal opinion is that love is a special thing and should not be dictated by any outside forces. Such as See's candy.

The idea that Valentines day is somehow special is particularly laughable to me. How is running around doing what everyone else is doing special. It seems more special not to celebrate. Buying a greeting card with a trite message of love is not special. Do you realize that the people who write those messages are laughing about them? If it were me I would make them lame on purpose just to see if anyone would buy them. Do you think it's special to go to a crowded restaurant and wait for hours to get food. A lot of special people think it's special. Sounds dumb to me. Personally if I had a special someone I would take her out to an empty restaurant on February 15th. It is always nice to have a quiet dinner in a romantic setting. I would prefer not to be sitting next to the couple who actually hates each other and is celebrating the fact that the will be setting aside their differences for their once a year sex night.

Profess your love to me with cheap trinkets made by Chinese children! Share your heart with those disgusting heart shaped candies that say "Be Mine." Not this guy. I think it is well within anyone's power to make something unique and beautiful. That is why I studied jewelry making in college. Buying jewelry is insane. It probably has the highest mark-up of any available product. A diamond for Valentines day! That would be SO special!

Do you realize that diamonds are so common that they can be slurped from the slimy depths of the ocean floor by ships equipped with industrial Eureka vacuums? It's true. It's also true that diamonds are only valuable as tooling. As an abrasive a diamond is wonderful. As a gemstone the only value it has is projected.

Would you get drunk and go buy a car? No? Ah, I thought not. That's what you are doing when you buy jewelry for Valentines day. Not true you say. Do you really think that endorphins aren't affecting your buying choices? I hate to break it to you, but they are. Essentially you are taking powerful drugs and going out to spend money. Not the wisest choice you could be making. I would suggest taking your meanest most cynical friend along to properly burst your bubble. It might keep things a bit more down to earth.

By now I am sure that the reader must view me as cold hearted and cruel. If not, I hope you will after reading how I celebrate Valentines day.

I will not even enter a relationship between November and Valentines day. Reasons for this should be obvious. To begin with chances are the relationship might not make it past the three month mark. The last thing I want is to be obligated to buy a Christmas present for some girl I just started dating. Worse yet, I might need several months to really convince her that I actually do not celebrate Valentines day. It would be a tragedy if I got into a relationship, knew it was too close to Valentines day to get out of it, celebrated it once, then had to let her know that it would never happen again. Too tough. So ladies, look for me February 15th. It could be your lucky day.

PS-I would probably sell out and make a half hearted attempt to celebrate Valentines day in exchange for sex.

Note: I realize that in my haste St Valentine was sadly forgotten. I have no idea who he is. From what I gather he was neat. Huzzah! Another fact which I happened to omit was my dislike for the colors red and pink. Blue and green are my favorite colors.


  1. Awesome! I love it. Tell it like it is and don't back down. I for one agree. One year for Valentine's day,which is not a holiday in my eyes either, but it is to my husband, I told him instead of buying chocolate that would make my ass fat, to buy me a leaf blower for the yard and he did. It was the best 'non-Valentines' gift I ever got. You are freaking awesome! I'll definitely be checking in on your blog from time to time.

  2. I do not feel that you are cold hearted! Valentines day is not a holiday! I love your blogs and love you fantastic attitude! You rock Ian! You are awesome!!!

  3. Shut up Barnes. You love Valentine's Day. You love the candy, and you especially love Willie Nelson's tribute to it. I know you man.

  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. It's just another way to make money, promoting or brain washing the weak for the holidays or That's what I think of it..