More BS qustions, answers are all true!

Since I have other more important work to do I have decided to dedicate myself to answering my reader’s questions. Here goes round two:

1)      Where were you in Baton Rouge when the black man said that Keith Urban “ain’t country!”? Bobbi McGee, Nashville TN

Dear Bobbi McGee, I was sitting at the breakfast nook at the Days Inn. I think it was days in, it could have been La Quinta. Either way it was very close to Perkins Rowe on the east side of the highway. There are a Mexican restaurant with a bunch of crazy metal sculptures and a gas station in the same parking lot. The fact of the matter is, he said it, and it is true. Though he may be talented, the very fact that his last name is URBAN says a lot! The truth is that there has not been a country song on the radio for years. Hell, people call Taylor Swift country but I have heard her and never noticed! Mainstream music will always leave you wanting truth. Though I think I might move to Nashville and start writing hits. I have always enjoyed using formulas.  I hope that answered your question Bobbi! Love IDB

2)      Hi there! When will you be coming to Canada so I can get a picture with you and you can jam? The Lovely One.

Dear TLO, at this point I am not quite sure. If you buy me a plane ticket I will be there quite soon. I am always up for adventure. If you live in Vancouver BC I might see you in late February when the Twilight cast arrives in town to finish making Breaking Wind. Aside from these two scenarios, as I mentioned before, if/when I ever get tied in with a proper tour and promotions I want to tour without stopping. So here are your options: Buy me a ticket. Buy you a ticket. Promote my work to others in hopes that my career takes off and I am not so damn broke! Thanks, Ian

3)      Dear Ian, Does Sequim WA have the best high school football games or what? Ashley in Sequim

Dear Ashley, Sequim High has a dominant team with awesome fan support. When I went to high school not only did our team stink, but I had the worst school spirit imaginable. When I went to your home game it was really fun to see all the wild fans go crazy as the team routed the opponents! I had so much fun that I am bummed that I only got to see two games this year. I was able to visit my high school and watch the homecoming game though, we won (surprisingly), and I got Twidentified by the opposing teams fans! It was fun, but Sequim is WAY more fun! So for those who are out of the loop, Sequim High School football rocks! Ian Barnes

4)      Are you ready for some football? Caleb KB, Portland OR

Dear Caleb, yes. IDB

5)      How many of your Twilight friends are single mothers? I have a feeling Twilight is huge with moms! Caleb KB, Portland OR

How right you are Mr. KB, how right you are! I don’t have any statistics, but I do know that there are millions of Twimoms! In fact I am a member of the Middle Georgia Twimoms as well as The South East Texas Twimoms! If it wasn’t for what I call the “older and bolder” I would have starved to death last summer in Forks! The Twi-teens are great but they are often a little shy. It takes the twimoms sometimes to break the ice! I don’t know how many are single, there are too many to count, but I am sure there are plenty. The world of Twilight Saga fandom is vast and varied. It is NOT just teens! It’s not just twimoms either! That is the fun. You never know who is a secret Twi-hard! Buzzsaw PS-I am about to mail you some money!

6)      When will your book be in stores? Another Friend From Hawaii

Dear AFFH, first of all, the book has not even been finished in first draft form. I am not going to tell you when it will be available; I haven’t even finished it yet. The truth is it might never be available! I am determined to finish it, but I am not deluded about the fact that a lot of good books have been written and never published. That said I think it would be a fool of a publisher if they did not swoop it up. When I am done with the draft and we edit it down to 300 pages I am sure it will have a broad appeal. I think it will resonate with the American spirit. We are a culture who is obsessed with celebrity but at the same time sucking down “reality” shows like nobody’s business! I think my story is sort of a blend of both. It’s even better because I am doing all these things with little or no money, simply because I want to get the best stories. And I have them, let me tell you. If you want to see my book in stores please promote my work by sending links to TV shows and newspapers. Your testimony will go a long way. Thanks, Ian

7)      Hi. Would you rather have a fox’s tail, rabbit ears, eyebrows that wiggle like a caterpillar, or hear the word “fart” every time you farted? Cat in Woodinville

Dear Cat. Eyebrows like a caterpillar. The first two don’t seem as fun. As for the last one, I think farting noises are hilarious. I can always say the word fart if I want. Also there are situations which require silent farts. It can be very important. If the word “fart” came out instead of sound I would always be blamed when it was me. I like ambiguity. Barnes

8)      Would you like to come over and have a dip in the pool? Michelle from Australia

Dear Michelle, yes, I love swimming. I will be there next week and I will be visiting for a year. IDB

9)      What do you think of Ted Williams? T from Sea

Dear T from Sea, I think that Ted Williams was a great baseball player who was reputedly a jerk. This is all I know. I did a little research to make sure that is what you are talking about. I am guessing that your Ted Williams is the “homeless man with the golden voice.” As for him I have only seen advertisements on Facebook. I am sure he is a great singer, a lot of homeless people are. It seems to me to be a bit of a publicity stunt on Oprah’s part though. There are lots of very talented homeless people. If she wanted to help them out she could easily do so without attracting attention to herself. I also wonder why they keep talking about him being homeless. It almost seems like a gimmick. His voice should be able to carry it. That said we are in the country that promotes the underdog. It is the American dream of rags to riches. I hope that he is able to develop a sustainable career and really get popular. I am usually happy when others succeed. I hope that makes sense, Buzzsaw

10)   What is the longest relationship you have been in? What happened to make it end? Queen Victoria

Dear Queen Vic, you really want to know? Probably 3 months tops. That is with official relationships. I have had longer relationships, those that were friendships hoping to turn into something more, but never quite made it. One early relationship ended with attempted suicide (not mine). Another simply faded out. We never got to know each other. She was having trouble opening up, and I was very involved in music projects. I moved away. There have been three others where I really felt like I was in love. Those three women have all married friends of mine. So we are all better friends because of it. It has been painful at times, but in reality I am glad I am single. It would be tough to do what I do and maintain a relationship. I really hope that I can get this book published and make some money so I have an excuse for all the traveling I want to do. Since I would rather have no relationship than a bad one, I am quite content for now. Of course I have no idea what might lie in store d