The Thin Candy Shell

From what I can remember from a game of Trivial Pursuit some 5 years nose jobs are the most common form of plastic surgery. An alarming amount of young women are afraid that the Gonzo beak is going to drive away the men. Perhaps they are afraid of stabbing his eye out in a fit of passion. Personally I think noses are cool and we should wear them proudly. The intent of this piece is not to in any way write up some sort of well researched treatise on nose jobs. As far as I am concerned my research was done five years ago. I am really more interested in pointing out some of the problems with plastic surgery (I am not talking about reconstructive surgery for accident and burn victims).

It seems to me that a lot of these surgeries are performed so the patient will somehow look younger. With successful procedures, it is entirely possible. Of course there are plenty of failures in which a face is somehow turned inside out in a gruesome tribute to Joan Rivers. This is an obvious downside. On the other hand sometimes a "successful" surgery will be worse than looking like Fabio after he got hit in the face with a pigeon. It could be much worse.

In many cultures the elderly are honored. For some reason in this country we are horrified of having people think we are old. We lie about our age. Dye our hair. Tell people that 50 is the new 30, when in fact it is actually 50. We get mad when people say we are "old." So billions of dollars are spent fighting to create the illusion I call "The Thin Candy Shell." That is really what it is. Your age and experiences cannot be denied. Everyday you live is a gift and it cannot be returned. We try like hell, but to no avail.

It is my opinion that by creating the illusion of youth we are missing out on the best years of our lives. Of course there are downsides to being old, but is it really worse than middle school or high school? And does making people think you are younger actually help your life aside from personal vanity? I doubt it. One of the things I look forward to as I age is having people do stuff for me because I am old. No more heavy lifting. No more stooping to grab stuff. No more spending money at hip clubs. No more paying attention because I just turned my hearing aid off. That's right, when you are old you can choose to ignore people and totally get away with it. In my opinion this sounds OK.

My great grandma Effie Olson lived to be 104. I am 31, so I would say I knew her since she was in her mid 70's. She always looked old. She did what she wanted. And she could bake a mean lemon meringue pie. I am sure if you asked her she would have told you she was old. She didn't care and did not suffer fools. In the nursing home she got in trouble for fighting when she was 101...Life in the old lane can be pretty cool. It should be enjoyed.

If you go through life trying to be something your not, you will never be satisfied. There is no way to reverse the clock, so pumping botox into your face until it is stretched tighter than a snare drum is a bad way to go. Not that I think we should throw our looks away, but there are limits. The most effective way to keep your looks is to exercise and eat healthy. Make it one KFC Double Down instead of two. Instead of drinking 5 margaritas make it 4 and split the last one with a friend. Don't try and create a thin candy shell, just be yourself. I think you will find that people actually like you more when you are honest. Sincerely The Buzzman

Dear Buzzsaw, hard hitting questions, answers that count!

Dear Buzzsaw I have recently become interested in hypnotism, I also like creating characters for World of Warcraft. Do you have any interesting hobbies? Toni in Duluth

Dear Toni, I am happy to hear that you are contributing to society. I have a lot of experience with hypnotism, since I grew up next door to Madame Larina, the best hypnotist in Bellevue WA. During the years I lived next to her I saw many examples of hypnotism, from the cat who thought he was Edgar Allan Poe, to the fat man who thought he was Marylin Monroe (Norma Jean really). As far as WOW, I am a level 6 warrior with a level 7 spells certification. My hobbies include dancing (hip hop and swing), scrapbooking, and luge. I don’t get to luge much because it is not cold enough here, I am sure you know how that goes. Thanks for your question, I am currently in the bathtub. Love Buzzsaw

Hey Buzzsaw, with all these girls after you, do you find it hard to relax? If yes, what do you do to relax? Sean from London

Hi there Sean. Actually it may seem like a lot of girls are after me, but really they mostly just watch me and don’t actually talk to me. Believe it or not I won tickets to a concert a month ago and I had to go alone because I could not find anyone to go with! That said I do find it hard to relax. I have gone paranoid of being out in public because I keep getting Twidentified and I never know when it will happen! In order to relax I like to play Jenga. I also have a very large estate on Farmville. So if you get the chance to send me some corn or hay, I would love it! By the way, I have been meaning to ask you if your brother Dean is still planning on climbing Mt Everest? Sincerely Buzz

Hey Mr, my dad said that you were unemployable, which is why you don’t have a job. Have you ever considered working at Outback Steakhouse? Love Sara

Dear Sara, your father sounds like a nice guy! Tell him that I have grown accustomed to the hoboe lifestyle and due to my minuscule expense account I have been able to hang around without working. So in short, yes, I am not accustomed to working, I will have to ramp up slowly if I get a job because I don’t want to get hurt. As far as the Outback, no. It sounds awful.  Love Buzz

Hi there, you might not know me, that is because I stalk you on the internet and I am too scared to say anything to you. You know, I think I am in love with you. If I had the chance to meet you, you would get groped for sure. How does that make you feel. By the way, I am a married woman. Sexy Cindy from Syracuse

Hello Sexy Cindy. I must say I am flattered by your interest in me. In fact I am so flattered that I have installed an alarm and a motion detector light on my house. I am sure you are aware of the fact that I do not have a house, it is really a bungalow. If I told you where it was I would be crazy, so I will just say this, it is really dirty. And cold. Anyway, I have to say that you are creeping me out. In a good way. However the fact that you admit to being married is not something that makes me excited to meet you. I have yet to be shot by a jealous lover, and with all the people in this world I should hope I could meet a crazy single girl just as easily as meeting a crazy married woman. So I would greatly appreciate it if you stayed the hell away from me at least as long as you are married. Bye, Ian

Dear Buzzsaw, what do think about globalization? Scott

Dear Scott, this is a difficult question. You see I am not quite sure what globalization is. It is in a long list of things such as the Federal Reserve which I am not able to figure out. I have been too busy trying to be funny to actually contribute to society in a way that will actually help anyone. You might say I am sort of a kook. Anyway, if you do figure it out would you please let me know? I hate not knowing answers to readers questions. Yours eternally, Buzzsaw

Hey, my name is Liz. I am very attracted to you. I have to say that I am not like the others. I like you because your nickname is Dick. Or one of them. The reason I like this is because I am a huge pervert and “Dick” is a slang term for “penis”, so that is why I like you. Do you have one of those? Sorry for all the questions. But I am devoted to finding out the answer to this question. I love you, Dick. And yes I know that your main nickname is Buzzsaw, but you also have the nickname Dick, which no one really uses, but I noticed right away. Also I have read all your blogs. I don’t really like them I just like your nickname. Love you. Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Hi Liz. I appreciate that you have noticed the D-Patz (Dick Pattinson) nickname. I find it unique that you like me for this reason. You did not tell me where you lived, but if you are ever in Seattle we will have to get together for coffee. Sincerely D-Patz PS-You are a kick! Seriously!

Hi Buzzsaw, do you remember me? I saw you in Forks but I never talked to you because you looked like Robert Pattinson. I am in love with him. It is because of this that I am trying to find him. I think that if he meets me I will probably be able to win his heart. In know that at the age of 48 I am a little older than he is, but what I can offer him is experience. You see that older women have experience as lovers, so we have a lot to bring to the table. Anyway, if you meet him will you slip one of the pills I mailed you into his drink. Of course I will take it from there, and thank you. Sincerely Dena the huntress

Hi Dena. You have a very interesting story! I would love to help you with your project. Anyway, do you still have the same phone number that you mailed me? I might have some questions for you in the future. Love Buzzsaw PS-I took one of those pills, it was the best nights sleep I have ever had!

Dear Buzzsaw, I am currently writing a story that recreates Twilight using plankton and cellular biology as characters instead of people! I bet you will really like it! Sincerely, FanficforeverMichelleCullen

Dear Fanfic, it sounds really cool! Let me know when you finish! What a sweet concept. I have always been searching for a way to marry my interest in science with that of pop culture vampire romance, it sounds like you did it! You go girl! Love Buzzard

Dear Sir. I am sure you are aware that you owe us money for the cosmetic surgery that you received from our clinic in December 2008. If you do not pay us, we will be forced to expose you as a fraud. I am sure your fans would be very interested to find out that you are actually a black woman obsessed with Robert Pattinson. We have seen that you are gaining an impressive following online, please do not force us to publish before and after picture (as well as tell people that your real name is Chantelle Tyson), so please send us the balance of $45,978 and we will let you continue in your delusion. Dr Peter Facinelli, Seattle Cosmetic Surgery Clinic, Seattle WA

Dear Dr, I sent you a check last week. You did not get it? Please call me and I will be sure to get this little snafoo straightened out. Chantelle