Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Thin Candy Shell

From what I can remember from a game of Trivial Pursuit some 5 years nose jobs are the most common form of plastic surgery. An alarming amount of young women are afraid that the Gonzo beak is going to drive away the men. Perhaps they are afraid of stabbing his eye out in a fit of passion. Personally I think noses are cool and we should wear them proudly. The intent of this piece is not to in any way write up some sort of well researched treatise on nose jobs. As far as I am concerned my research was done five years ago. I am really more interested in pointing out some of the problems with plastic surgery (I am not talking about reconstructive surgery for accident and burn victims).

It seems to me that a lot of these surgeries are performed so the patient will somehow look younger. With successful procedures, it is entirely possible. Of course there are plenty of failures in which a face is somehow turned inside out in a gruesome tribute to Joan Rivers. This is an obvious downside. On the other hand sometimes a "successful" surgery will be worse than looking like Fabio after he got hit in the face with a pigeon. It could be much worse.

In many cultures the elderly are honored. For some reason in this country we are horrified of having people think we are old. We lie about our age. Dye our hair. Tell people that 50 is the new 30, when in fact it is actually 50. We get mad when people say we are "old." So billions of dollars are spent fighting to create the illusion I call "The Thin Candy Shell." That is really what it is. Your age and experiences cannot be denied. Everyday you live is a gift and it cannot be returned. We try like hell, but to no avail.

It is my opinion that by creating the illusion of youth we are missing out on the best years of our lives. Of course there are downsides to being old, but is it really worse than middle school or high school? And does making people think you are younger actually help your life aside from personal vanity? I doubt it. One of the things I look forward to as I age is having people do stuff for me because I am old. No more heavy lifting. No more stooping to grab stuff. No more spending money at hip clubs. No more paying attention because I just turned my hearing aid off. That's right, when you are old you can choose to ignore people and totally get away with it. In my opinion this sounds OK.

My great grandma Effie Olson lived to be 104. I am 31, so I would say I knew her since she was in her mid 70's. She always looked old. She did what she wanted. And she could bake a mean lemon meringue pie. I am sure if you asked her she would have told you she was old. She didn't care and did not suffer fools. In the nursing home she got in trouble for fighting when she was 101...Life in the old lane can be pretty cool. It should be enjoyed.

If you go through life trying to be something your not, you will never be satisfied. There is no way to reverse the clock, so pumping botox into your face until it is stretched tighter than a snare drum is a bad way to go. Not that I think we should throw our looks away, but there are limits. The most effective way to keep your looks is to exercise and eat healthy. Make it one KFC Double Down instead of two. Instead of drinking 5 margaritas make it 4 and split the last one with a friend. Don't try and create a thin candy shell, just be yourself. I think you will find that people actually like you more when you are honest. Sincerely The Buzzman

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