Uncanny Resemblance

"You know, you look like Bam Margera!" If you imagine this phrase in an Irish accent and the scene to be a restroom at The Blarneystone in Vancouvers Gaslight District, you will have an idea what last night was like. In fact that was not the first time I was Bam Margera-dentified. I am happy about it. But really I am more twidentified really. In fact I was inspired to write a short list of uncanny similarities between Rob Pattinson and one Buzzsaw Barnes.

I guess a good enough starting point is that Rob is from the Barnes district of London. Its strange enough that he looks so much like me, but did his mum and dad really have to live in a place that is the same as my last name? It's weird. Two sisters. Both of us. Although he is youngest and I am in the middle it is still uncanny. I think even stranger than that is our hobbies and passions.

The fact that we both play guitar is not so odd. Literally billions of people belong to the "guitar army." What is truly weird is that we are both good at music. In fact last night while Rob was or was not bedded down with Kristen Stewart, I was jamming with street musicians and making money for them. In fact a group of dudes ran across Granville street by the Sears building to give them money. I ended up playing without a pick and bleeding all over the guitar. That is how I roll. One thing I know is true, it's a good thing I am straight crazy.

We both like to read, which in this day in age is kind of weird. In college I was in a weight training class and the guys I was lifting with were talking about video games (I was Rob's age at this point). They asked me what I thought, and I told them I didn't play video games. Dumbfounded one of the bro's asked what on earth I did if I didn't play video games. I told him I liked to read. He looked at me as if I had a unicorn's horn. It makes me happy that Rob reads too.

Obviously Rob is an actor. Though I have never done any film or play acting, I have done a lot of acting. The venue that I have used is voice acting. I am a radio man. In my opinion there is nothing more fun than creating funny characters and putting them in weird situations. That is what I did on air. We also had a lot of fun recording them for PSA's (public service announcements). What I like about this similarity is that we each have our own style. I am mostly a comic actor/story teller, though I would love to be in crime, western, or war movies. I could not pull off the roles Rob takes, and I am glad. The last thing the world needs is two Edward Cullen's!

Another similarity is that we are both weird. In an interview Rob said he was excited to live in a place with a microwave for the first time and that he was having fun microwaving crazy stuff like carrots. This sounds like a blast! I have lot of weird hobbies and games such as Tubin' which I know might look dumb to women, but guys love it, especially when combined with beer. 10 to 1 odds, I could make a hell of a tuber out of Mr RPattz.

I will finish with this. We were born 7 years apart, but within 23 days of each other. If you know me, I have always though the zodiac signs were a load of crap. I still do. Both Rob and I are Taurus' the bull. I have no idea of our supposed personality traits, but I am sure they are vague, which is why the horoscope seems like it is right.

My hope is that somehow I can trace my lineage to some kind of common relative. If I were even a cousin 100 times removed I would immediately claim it and I would make a ton of money. It would make my life really easy. Perhaps some of my Barnes relatives had some kind of ancient minstrel relative that is also related to Rob. I am not banking on this, but it would be really nice.

In closing, I am really glad that Rob is a seemingly really nice and humble guy. He is obviously talented. I am cheering for him and really hoping that his next couple movies will establish him as something beyond Twilight. I think he is going to do it. Really we are both in the same situation. Except for the fact that I am poor and relatively unknown, and did not actually appear in Twilight. We both think Stephanie Meyer is crazy too! Rob's opinion. Buzzsaw's opinion. Anyway, much love and respect to my fake younger brother. If you want to mess with him you will have to watch out for me. I do not fight fair either. Have a wonderful day, Buzzsaw.

ShowBiz!

I think I really got into the entertainment business at a very young age. I must have been 4 when I was entered into my first talent show. It was a church function, and to this day I don't remember practicing for it or writing our skit. It does not matter, my sister Annika and I somehow managed to blow the minds of all in attendance. It seems strange that we would be allowed to create an entry into the church talent show without any kind of help from our parents, but if they were involved it was very minimally. I say this because what I remember is essentially making up a skit live onstage.

What our skit involved was a two person baseball game. We were using an old chair leg for a bat and a wadded up piece of paper for a ball. Who the first pitcher was I can't remember, but what I do remember was that the whole plot of the skit was that the bases kept changing. Also there were like 19 of them. The way it went down is that we somehow played this game, all the while talking in really weird voices, and somehow we managed to get through an inning or two without getting kicked off the stage. I have memories of the sound of laughter, and I remember loving it. Of course it might not have been as riotous as I recall, but lets just imagine that the whole idea was hilarious. Also we were wearing pajamas, so I am sure we looked funny too. And of course I was fully convinced that the whole game was real and that I was in a real baseball stadium. Just for the record, I had not heard Abbott and Costello and Calvin and Hobbes had not been written yet, so I feel safe to say that my first skit was original.

I became a professional musician at the age of 19. I had just started playing the guitar and harmonica so to become professional so early was quite shocking! My family was on a trip to San Diego at Christmas time, so I brought my instruments, knowing I would find it inspiring. There was not a lot of time to play but one evening I found myself playing quietly on a bench looking out on the sea from the top of a cliff at sunset. Because I was on a pedestrian path and I knew there were people around I was trying really hard not too play very loud. Though I was a young musician I was under no delusion that I was very good at playing, so I was trying to experience the scenery without ruining anyone else's experience as well. I think I had been there all of 5 minutes when suddenly I felt something hard strike my head. I heard the ringing of metal and I whipped around to see what it was. I saw a quarter spinning to stop on the ground but no one was in sight. Then I looked further over my left shoulder and more than 30 feet away a kid was standing on a balcony. "Sorry" he said as he sprinted into the hotel room. It was a funny way to become a professional, but ever since that day I have told people I am a professional musician.

My days as a radio DJ were a product of many years of just generally strange behavior. When I was 15 our youth leader Larry decided to take us to a mountain top so we could see the sunrise on an Easter morning. We made it to the mountain top. Unfortunately all of us fell asleep, including our leaders, and we missed sunrise. So we found ourselves back at Larry's house sitting around eating barbecue chicken while he showered before church (we did not care about that I am sure).

My friend Jason and I grew bored so it was decided that I would prank call his neighbors who were Mormon. Of course as usual I did not have a plan. So I quickly conjured up the voice I thought the Easter Bunny might have and when he answered said this "Hellooooo, this is the Easter Bunny!" at which point he started laughing fairly hard. "Who is this" He chuckled "Hellloooooo this is the Eeeeaster Bunnyyy!, I have a question for yoooou! If you are correct you win a basket FULL of eggs!" From what I can recall at this point both Jason and the man on the other end of the line were in hysterics. When he regained control enough to ask what the question was I asked him the average rainfall in the Amazon jungle. I knew I would have to do something difficult since I had neither Easter basket full of eggs, nor money with which to buy one. Needless to say, whatever number he gave me, I told him something else. I said goodbye, then I was able to join Jason in hysterics. At this point Larry came down the stairs and was wondering what in the world was so funny. I am sure that he never fully appreciated it at all. Anyway, I have many more examples of my showbiz past, all of which are very much underground and hip. Trust me! Buzzsaw