5 Surprising Reasons That It Actually Sucks To Look Like Robert Pattinson’s Twin

Below are five of the bad things which you might not think about if you are laying around dreaming about being a Robert Pattinson look-alike. Sure there is a lot of glory, and a lot of guys who own chain saw stores and want to make a rubber mask with your face on it. But there are also the moments where a frothing hillbilly steals your novelty Forks Spartans foam hand and shoves his genitals in it to prove that you are gay...if you find this interesting, trust me, this is the very much abridged version of my life in the past two years, and the book I am writing will be much more detailed. Love Buzzsaw PS-I am not complaining, simply exposing things you might find surprising!

5) Unsolicited advice.

I have tried unsuccessfully to carefully craft an opening sentence which explains exactly why I have grown to hate hearing the phrase “Do you know what you should do?” With allegory and metaphor, mixed metaphor and simile, I even tried obscenity (admittedly I liked it and might try it again). Sadly I was left with the painful truth. People think that they have a lot more good ideas than they actually do. Over the course of the last two years I have been subjected to ideas ranging from completely humiliating to downright illegal as hell. In less than 10 cases I have heard good ideas, in less than three of these the idea has actually been achievable (if I had the money it would take just to implement some, I would be retired anyway). Instead I labor away, just waiting for the next person with the brilliant idea of me turning into a gigolo. It should happen in around 11 minutes.

It seems that the less original the idea (gigolo) the more original people think it must be. Never mind the fact that prostitution is known as “the oldest profession” people seem to think it is brilliant. I wonder how brilliant they would think their daughter was if she told them that she had found a way to make $50 and it involved nothing more than “layin’ back and pretendin’ to like it!” Or perhaps they might encourage their son to dress as Batman and panhandle on Hollywood Blvd in front of Mann’s Chinese theater? Surely the same person would also think it is a brilliant idea to evade taxes as well! Of course all of these ideas have been pitched to me, and the only one I haven’t heard multiple times is the tax evasion. Actually that was a Canadian man who was super excited about the possibilities and thought I was a genius, though he REALLY encouraged me never to pay taxes. Wonder how much universal health care he would get if all the Robert Pattinson look-alikes in Canada suddenly stopped paying taxes…

4) The most famous character Robert Pattinson plays is pretty much a transvestite

Though women and girls (and probably gay men) love Edward, most everyone else thinks he is (read: OBVIOUSLY) probably gay. The only reason someone actually might think Edward Cullen is straight is that the author tries so hard to convince you. Even Robert Pattinson said “they made me look like a transvestite as Edward” which is clear to anyone who saw any of the Twilight Saga. I am sure there are worse things to have people think you look like than a transvestite vampire who never bites anything, but I can’t think of any.

Trouble because of this can manifest itself in many ways. From the obnoxious people who ask me things like why I am “trying to be Edward” (and blatantly ignoring the fact that I just told them my website was www.mynameisnotedward.com), to the hillbilly loggers shouting “faggot” from their clearly compensational trucks. There is of course a lot of ground in between, but looking like Edward Cullen is a world away from looking like say, Indiana Jones. Given the choice between the two, I would bet that most straight men would choose to look like Dr Jones if they had the choice.

3) People assume that you make a shit-ton of money

It seems that given this logic that someone who looks like Bill Gates will also be a billionaire, which is where this little misconception breaks down. Considering the fact that even the actual real Robert Pattinson was broke as hell before accidentally making a blockbuster movie, I would hope that people could understand the difficulty in turning a strange coincidence into mountains of cash. Add to that the difficulty in using said coincidence in ways which are not completely degrading or career killing and you have a recipe for a strange career path which sometimes pays well and sometimes doesn’t.

The real problem with it is that when I am walking around in public people will often approach me to ask if they can take a picture with me. So here is the problem, if I ask for money, to me it seems low class and possibly creepy. If I say that I don’t want to take a picture I run the risk of some idiot thinking I am being a jerk and defaming me on the internet. So I have found that the best solution is to act classy and pose for pictures with people, hoping that I can connect with them online, and perhaps when I write my book they will want to buy it (of course it would most likely be to see if they made the cut. Hint: they didn’t).

The misconception that I was making a ton of money was really bad in Forks. Because in Forks if you are making money and girls like you, it means you are a faggot who wants to steal from the town. It is something which can get you beat up (or in my case nearly beat up). Luckily I am too cunning and tough for that to stop me. And luckier still I have friends who ride Harley’s and are named “Fuzzy” (actually just one, but that is enough). So in closing, I have yet to make a big payday, and like any good American, I believe that it is just over the next hill.

2) Women assume that you have a billion “girlfriends”

If you are shy, I would highly recommend looking like a celebrity. It can make meeting girls really easy. On the downside it will probably be your buddy who actually scores. I believe that this is because a lot of women will naturally assume that you are unattainable so they will go for your “easy to seduce” friend. Now, before I get responses from women claiming it is not true, I must insist that I have checked with quite a few women who indeed told me it was. So really not only does it mean that you might not end up with the girl, but that you will be squeezed and screamed at, and still go home alone. Luckily that can only go on for so long before someone accidentally gets jealous of a chance encounter with a hot Canadian (female) prison guard and true feelings come out, but I digress…

1) Most people who aren’t clowns do not make children cry, but I do (without doing anything)

Have you ever been sitting out in front of a store and suddenly hear a small child burst into tears? Of course you might have, but was it because the kid saw you and thought you were a vampire? Trust me; it is something that you don’t get used to. One of the most depressing aspects of this problem is that I would have been one of those children. I have always been easily scared, so I feel even worse about scaring the hell out of babies. I have no desire to cause people psychological problems, and it is honestly a tough load to shoulder. I already envision a life of psychotherapy and men in white suites, but the extra burden of being a baby scaring freak is too much. Trust me, it is a downer when a smiling baby bursts into tears and starts screaming.

Summit: You Broke Their Hearts! (And They Leaked The Pics!)

In an attempt to understand the controversy behind the latest Twilight debacle (this time the "illegal" leaking of movie stills by the production company) I have found the real press release that explains exactly how saddened they are. It reads as follows:

As some of you may know, pictures and screen grabs of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn as a work in progress have leaked on the internet. We are extremely proud of this film and also extremely heartbroken to see it out there at this stage. The film and these images are not yet ready or in their proper context. They were illegally obtained and their early dissemination is deeply upsetting to the actors, the filmmakers and Summit who are working so hard to bring these movies to fruition to you in November 2011 and November 2012. Please, for those who are posting, stop. And please, though the temptation is high, don’t view or pass on these images. Wait for the film in its beautiful, finished entirety to thrill you. Sincerely, Stephenie Meyer, Bill Condon, Wyck Godfrey and Summit Entertainment
—Summit Entertainmnet

Well that is just terrible. What upsets me the most is that it had to be EMPLOYEES OF SUMMIT who leaked them. That is right. The sets are closed, so how in the world could it have leaked from an outside source? I have heard claims that some 14 year old Twihard from Australia hacked into Stephenie Meyer's computer, but that doesn't even make a good story, let alone a convincing lie! Come on Summit, if you want me to believe you, can you at least give me something to chew on? I can think of at least ten better ways explain the leak. How about blaming it on nerds who love Harry Potter and hate Twilight. There are loads of them, and they are probably all better with computers than most Twilight fans. As it stands, the press release just makes Summit look dumb. From the schedule of film releases, and other odd marketing tactics, summit should already be under scrutiny for this, if not blamed entirely and ignored. Let's take a look at some of the red flags that have gone up along the way.

First, Robsten. Whatever the hell the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is, the connection with Summit is undeniable. Let it be known, I could give a shit less whether it is real, but it is mighty suspicious that they have been thrown together as lovers since their audition. Now, they might be, but the whole controversy has certainly been lucrative for Summit, there is no denying.

Another fact that undeniably links Summit with retarded ploys to gain hype was when The Hurt Locker was nominated for an Oscar. Producer Nicolas Chartier was barred from the Academy Awards ceremony for sending out an e-mail begging voters to vote for him. The film went on to win a bunch of little gold statues of naked men, resulting in Summits only critical success (sorry Twihards, but your movies have been nominated for multiple Razzies). In my opinion, this is just another reason that Summit is suspect.

Lastly, lets look at the early leaks from the Brazil film location. It confuses me that they could film on a private island, and yet, somehow, pictures were leaked. Did they not require all staff to be searched prior to the filming? If not, I hardly care that someone supposedly leaked photo's. Of course I read statements prior to the shooting that said they would take all cameras etc, so either they are really bad at taking camera's or, what is more likely, they wanted to hype the movie by putting a few random photo's online so the fans could drool. In my opinion, the latter is much more likely.

Why would they need to hype up the final installment in a blockbuster series you ask? Well I can think of several reasons. First, they are waiting for a year before the release of Breaking Dawn. The other films were released closer together, thus keeping the hype machine rolling. With this one, they were probably worried about losing steam. Second, for anyone who has read the book Breaking Dawn, it is possibly the worst and most boring book in existence. I have had the chance to meet and speak with many Twilight fans, and rarely do I hear that Breaking Dawn is a favorite in the series. It is utterly rediculous, and since essentially nothing happens except some sex scenes and a baby delivery, the producers (mostly men I am sure) were worried that people might figure this out. So release some pictures. It is harmless.

In closing, from my perspective, the Twilight films and Summit are actually capitalizing on the cast more than the stories. Of course people talk about the story to some degree, but it seems that they talk about the cast just as much if not more. I would be willing to bet that there are a lot more Robert Pattinson fansites than Edward Cullen fansites, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. So believe them if you will, but I think you are being duped if you do. It is Summit after all! They are the true turds of Hollywood!

Note: The whole thing smells of a rat akin to the inept merketing ploy used by aging rockers Buckcherry in 2008. They published an indignant press release saying that someone "leaked" their song "Too Drunk" onto a torrent sharing site. They were found out. The same will happen with Summit.

Summit Entertainment: Are they a bunch of bastards??!!!

Why would I choose a title like this if I don't personally know Summit Entertainment? Because I liked it. Personally I have no idea whether the employees and owners of Summit Entertainment come from legitimate married parents. Hell these days when they are cloning people and all that nonsense, does it even really matter? No. And actually the popularized usage of the term bastard these days is something more like "jerkoff" or "prick." As this is the use I am aiming for, I feel comfortable saying this. Note that I said "might be" instead of the definitive, so it is a hypothesis on my part. Still I think it is worth examining.

From my perspective this is what I know about Summit. They started out as a distributor of US films to foreign markets. Apparently they found this boring and not lucrative enough, so they started moving towards production, and in the late 90's began turning out films so terrible, that I can't even remember the names of any of them with the exception of "Sex Drive" which shows a lot more about what a complete perv I am than the quality of the film. Essentially, Summit never had a hit until the movie Twilight was produced, a film so under produced that they had to hire a Tom Cruise look-alike (Peter Facinelli) not to mention rounding out the rest of the cast with random folks most people had never heard of, with the exception of Shark Boy, whose real name I can't remember. Anyway, the movie was made on the cheap, and it is fairly obvious from the production values. Not that I blame them, they probably didn't have any money. Well the film was a hit. A major hit. In all likelihood my readers have seen it. Amazingly enough I have seen it.

Well after the success of Twilight, I think it went to their heads. They started selling merchandise an licensing to random and assorted vendors with little regard as to where they were placing their lead actors faces. From what I can tell they didn't even tell the actors much, which in my opinion would be courteous. "Hey Pattinson, your mug is gonna be on a crown at Burger King!"  To me a text message would seem nice. But really I don't think this makes them bastards, it might be normal. It is something of a bastard grey area. When they really became bastards in my opinion was after they swept the Oscars with The Hurt Locker, probably the best movie they have made to date. After that, they really got an ego. Two hits (Twilight and Twilight: New Moon) and multiple Academy Awards. Big time. Still I didn't know that they were truly bastards until I saw Eclipse.

What made me hate Summit when I saw Eclipse was the treatment of Seattle. It is my hometown, so maybe that is why I am mad, but I would like to think I would want to see any city that a movie is set in treated fairly. What they did was shameful. To begin with, it would not have been difficult for them to have sent a couple of guys with cameras down so they could use parts of Vancouver (they filmed there because Washington state is run stupid and taxes films so much that nobody shoots here, which is nice) which look like Seattle. Instead, they just used a bunch of random shit. They should have at least filmed on a hill to make it look real. But that is not the worst. There were a couple of sweeping city shots, used to give the scenes a "sense of place" and they were a complete failure. Instead of using real film footage, which they could have bought from Frazier or Sleepless in Seattle, they went CGI. It was not good. It looked like a piece of crap, made by the hands of a bastard. A steamy little basturd cake. NOT Good. Seattle is a very recognizable city, with its unique skyline and the mountains across the Puget Sound, instead we get something only a true bastard would love. Aahhh, it feels good to say it.

Now I have heard tell of some of the Summit employees being nice and some being total bastards, but really, who can you trust? I would like to say it is better to trust your own personal experience. So I went out of my way to determine if they really were bastards. First I went to the Eclipse premiere. I was summarily attacked by twihards who thought I was either Rob Pattinson's long lost brother, or the best damn look-alike they had ever seen. Turns out it was him that was the look alike since he is so much younger, anyway, I saw some bastardly stuff, and some not. I was lucky enough to find some sweet girls who were willing to give me a wristband into the bleachers to watch the red carpet arrivals, the people letting us in were bastards. They yelled at everyone, acting as if they were working as prison guards instead of letting well behaved women and girls (and a few guylighters) into the audience. I was not impressed. I would have like to rough some of the bastards up, but I was afraid of getting over powered and barred from the event. Once inside however I found the staff to be mostly nice, they even had promotional drinks, because the stands were hotter than a bastard. Anyway, I came away thinking it was a draw. The actors and actresses had been cool, but the others were kind of bastards. I still had more research to do.

My next jaunt was to Baton Rouge to see what I could see as they started filming Breaking Dawn the final two part movie in the Twilight Saga. What pissed me off was that the bastards said they were going to be filming but they weren't, which made me think they were bastards. On the other hand, they didn't owe me anything, and maybe I was pissed because they didn't hire me to be Rob's double, the bastards. Anyway, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, and called it null, since they weren't filming. But still I wasn't satisfied, by now I was convinced that they MUST be bastards, but there was a lingering doubt. Next stop Vancouver.

Being in Seattle, I saw that they were filming in Vancouver, so I made the trek. I almost missed any action because they canceled a shoot due to a tsunami warning, and I think it was wise, though nothing happened. But on March 14, I located a film shoot and went to check it out. I was standing on the sidewalk of the building adjacent to the Orpheum Theater, when I finally confirmed the worst, they are probably bastards. There were probably 20 people max standing talking amongst ourselves on the sidewalk, trying to see if anyone would come in or go out of the building, when a lanky looking nerd of some sort of black curly haired, olive skinned origin came over. Like a slimy little bastard he addressed the group, as he was obviously not man enough to speak to anyone individually. "Your not going to see anything. You can wait all day, but your not going to see anything" It was something the annoying bully at school would tell the nice kid waiting in line at the zoo to see the baby panda. He was acting as if this group of women and girls was going to attack, or worse yet, take a picture and sell it to a magazine, which would actually promote the movie!

Anyway, he was and is a bastard, I got some good video footage of him, and even some up the nose shots. With my HD camera I caught every pore on his bastardly face. What's more, he had a Louisiana State University beanie on, so I assumed he was with the crew down in Baton Rouge, so it goes to show that they were probably bastards there too. Along with the lame and lanky beanie man, was a beard and someone so forgettable I forgot them. They too were bastards. It seems to me, that the least they could do would be to engage these loyal fans in some friendly banter, saying things like "Yeah the movie is going to be awesome, are you going to the premiere?" which anyone who is not a true bastard would realize would make them all the more eager to watch the movie. The fans might have even told there friends how cool the people at Summit were. They were out there acting like bastards to the point that I was beginning to wonder if they were not getting paid. Hah! Bastards.

In conclusion, I would like to say this, it seems to some degree that Summit is in fact a bunch of typical bastards. On the other hand I am drawing from a few isolated incidents. I would be remiss to label the entire entity bastards without further evidence. That is where my readers come in. I am sure that between the three of you there might be some sort of notion as to the bastardization of Summit Entertainment. So please use the comment thread to share your stories, so we can really get to the bottom of this irksome question. Thank you kindly for your support, Buzzsaw, who is in fact a definite bastard.

Note: In the summer of 2010 I lived in Forks Washington and had the good fortune to fall in with the local Harley guys. Through that association I met some riders from eastern Washington, one of whom was a military explosives detonation expert, who had served at least two tours in Iraq and was headed back again, a real cowboy. Since I had enjoyed The Hurt Locker, I asked him (being an expert) if it was realistic. He laughed whole heartedly and said it was awful. So, on account of this expert witness I would have to conclude that it is more evidence that Summit Entertainment are at least bastards, and possibly rat bastards. Who would make a movie that mocks our soldiers who are risking their lives to serve their country? Only a mother bitch bastard. Yep, I think those bastards are bastards!

Uncanny Resemblance

"You know, you look like Bam Margera!" If you imagine this phrase in an Irish accent and the scene to be a restroom at The Blarneystone in Vancouvers Gaslight District, you will have an idea what last night was like. In fact that was not the first time I was Bam Margera-dentified. I am happy about it. But really I am more twidentified really. In fact I was inspired to write a short list of uncanny similarities between Rob Pattinson and one Buzzsaw Barnes.

I guess a good enough starting point is that Rob is from the Barnes district of London. Its strange enough that he looks so much like me, but did his mum and dad really have to live in a place that is the same as my last name? It's weird. Two sisters. Both of us. Although he is youngest and I am in the middle it is still uncanny. I think even stranger than that is our hobbies and passions.

The fact that we both play guitar is not so odd. Literally billions of people belong to the "guitar army." What is truly weird is that we are both good at music. In fact last night while Rob was or was not bedded down with Kristen Stewart, I was jamming with street musicians and making money for them. In fact a group of dudes ran across Granville street by the Sears building to give them money. I ended up playing without a pick and bleeding all over the guitar. That is how I roll. One thing I know is true, it's a good thing I am straight crazy.

We both like to read, which in this day in age is kind of weird. In college I was in a weight training class and the guys I was lifting with were talking about video games (I was Rob's age at this point). They asked me what I thought, and I told them I didn't play video games. Dumbfounded one of the bro's asked what on earth I did if I didn't play video games. I told him I liked to read. He looked at me as if I had a unicorn's horn. It makes me happy that Rob reads too.

Obviously Rob is an actor. Though I have never done any film or play acting, I have done a lot of acting. The venue that I have used is voice acting. I am a radio man. In my opinion there is nothing more fun than creating funny characters and putting them in weird situations. That is what I did on air. We also had a lot of fun recording them for PSA's (public service announcements). What I like about this similarity is that we each have our own style. I am mostly a comic actor/story teller, though I would love to be in crime, western, or war movies. I could not pull off the roles Rob takes, and I am glad. The last thing the world needs is two Edward Cullen's!

Another similarity is that we are both weird. In an interview Rob said he was excited to live in a place with a microwave for the first time and that he was having fun microwaving crazy stuff like carrots. This sounds like a blast! I have lot of weird hobbies and games such as Tubin' which I know might look dumb to women, but guys love it, especially when combined with beer. 10 to 1 odds, I could make a hell of a tuber out of Mr RPattz.

I will finish with this. We were born 7 years apart, but within 23 days of each other. If you know me, I have always though the zodiac signs were a load of crap. I still do. Both Rob and I are Taurus' the bull. I have no idea of our supposed personality traits, but I am sure they are vague, which is why the horoscope seems like it is right.

My hope is that somehow I can trace my lineage to some kind of common relative. If I were even a cousin 100 times removed I would immediately claim it and I would make a ton of money. It would make my life really easy. Perhaps some of my Barnes relatives had some kind of ancient minstrel relative that is also related to Rob. I am not banking on this, but it would be really nice.

In closing, I am really glad that Rob is a seemingly really nice and humble guy. He is obviously talented. I am cheering for him and really hoping that his next couple movies will establish him as something beyond Twilight. I think he is going to do it. Really we are both in the same situation. Except for the fact that I am poor and relatively unknown, and did not actually appear in Twilight. We both think Stephanie Meyer is crazy too! Rob's opinion. Buzzsaw's opinion. Anyway, much love and respect to my fake younger brother. If you want to mess with him you will have to watch out for me. I do not fight fair either. Have a wonderful day, Buzzsaw.

Meyer sends Twilight Saga to Libya! "I truly hope they find their Edward"

As the civil war in Libya is reaching a fever pitch, world leaders are frantically searching for solutions that would offer a peaceful resolution. In America, one woman has come up with a unique and possibly fool proof way to achieve just that. Author Stephanie Meyer has pledged 10,000,000 copies of her popular Twilight saga to the Libyan nation in hopes that her work can change the hearts and minds of a beleaguered nation.

Speaking at a press conference in a Phoenix Applebee's the author detailed her plan that includes airdropping the books over Tripoli and other major Libyan cities. The United Nations have offered to supply the airplanes and aircraft carriers needed in what has been dubbed "Operation Sparkle Drop" in reference to the glittering appearance of the vampires in her beloved series!

The idea came to Meyer in a dream which she had last Thursday night. "I saw myself standing in a square full of protesters, when suddenly I saw Edward emerge from the entrance of a mosque. He raised his hands and suddenly the fighting stopped. And just like that I woke up." To many people such a dream might seem strange and unimportant, but Meyer didn't hesitate. "I knew that there was a solution. Reading has always been a powerful catalyst to change, and great literature is always going to affect that change. Especially when it is a book about true love, dedication, and the power therein. Honestly, I just want those people to find their own "Edward."

In her Twilight Saga, Edward Cullen is a 108 year old man-child vampire who has never had sex. Until he meets, courts, and marries, human Bella Swan. In a way according to Meyer, Libya is a lot like Bella. "Bella feels very much disconnected from the outside world. Libya is an awkward little country that feels strange around other countries. Libya is a plain little country, and it needs someone that loves it. Just like Edward loves Bella. In a way it is a perfect metaphor. That's why I am sending the Saga."

Critics have spoken up saying that the whole thing is a publicity stunt, but Meyer stuck to her guns. "It's not cheap to send 40,000,000 books. If I thought it wouldn't help I wouldn't do it!" When asked about the possibility of a Nobel Peace prize, the author smiled effortlessly. "I'm not saying it couldn't happen! She winked.

So starting this week, Operation Sparkle Drop will be kicking off, loading tens of thousands of books into planes all over Africa and Europe. In a White House press conference US President Barak Obama had this to say: "I am really proud of Stephanie, and as President I offer full support. As a man and a fan of The Twilight Saga, I am Team Edward all the way!"  As the rest of the world waits for the mission to unfold, what better way to spend our time, than by opening up The Twilight Saga, and finding an Edward of our own!

Catherine Hardwicke: "I told them to pretend they had diarrhea"

In an interview earlier today director Catherine Hardwicke was able to shed some light on her role in developing the vampire characters in the Twilight Saga. While critics have claimed that the brooding characters portrayed by Robert Pattinson, Jackson Rathbone, Kristen Stewart and others stiff and awkward due to poor acting, the director says it is not true.

"When we were in the pre-production phase of the movie I explained exactly what I wanted. These characters of Stephanie's are like loaded guns, ready to go off at any second. I knew I needed them to be slightly uncomfortable." So what did the director do? "I asked them to pretend they had diarrhea and that they were in a public place, miles from the bathroom." It seemed to work, as Pattinson and the rest were able to maintain an air of uneasy calm for the entire movie. "I think Rob took it the farthest. he was actually eating Metamucil with a bowl of high fiber cereal every morning!" So you are saying that R-Patz actually gave himself diareah in order to act? Talk about living the part!

Directors tricks are as common as dishwater, so the idea is not surprising. What is surprising is that it took so long to leak (no pun intended). "I kind of felt that I wanted to wait until they were almost done before I mentioned it." Hardwicke said via e-mail. "I thought that some of the fans might get grossed out if they thought about Robs clenched buttcheeks and the mess that might very well have occurred if he weren't such a good actor." From my perspective I think it is only fair!

After speaking with her I took the morning to watch scenes from Twilight and looking at it from this point of view totally sheds new light on Edward Cullen's brooding glares. Of course he is a little upset and uncomfortable! It is almost like he is trying not to eat his girlfriend. I was unable to get any information about how long Rob would go between bathroom breaks, but Hardwicke did say he would also drink coffee and hold his urine in when he was unable to get his bran.

How far did the young heartthrob take it? "At one point I had to call him in for an unscheduled scene so he had someone run to the store for Ex-Lax!" She laughed. Well, I am sure R-Pattz was finally able to laugh when the box office numbers came in! His method acting has made him the biggest star around! I can't wait to see what he does next!

Women Hate Kristen Stewart! IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE JEALOUS!

Editors preface: When I wrote this piece I had no idea that it would get spread around the Internet like a BBC video of wild animals speaking in British accents, but somehow it has. I wrote it for no other reason than the fact that I thought it was true to some degree. That said, it is in no way something I am very passionate about. It was intended to be a humorous spin on an obvious phenomenon. I do not take this seriously, and neither should you. The truth is, I think it is kind of boring. Read on if you must, but let it be known, I feel that even my most mundane posts are funnier, more interesting, and generally sexier. Thank you. Buzzsaw 2/22/2011

In the past two years I have learned more than the entire 7 years I was working on my bachelor's degree. It has been a sort of unaccredited masters program in The Twilight Saga, and the social and economic effect it is having on society. Of course when I started I knew I would learn about how billions of dollars are spent on Twi-swag, that is a no-brainer. What I had no idea about, and what I should have already known, is that women in general are incredibly mean/cruel to their own. Maybe is that men are less likely to be deeply hurt by snide remarks and bitchy expressions. Even so, until I got into this and realized how mean women are to Kristen I was pretty naive!

When I was making my living posing for people as "The Genuine Fake Edward" and "Robert Pattinson's actual mock relative" occasionally people asked where Bella was. I assume that is because they wanted to kill her. By the second week (after I had posed with a ring proposing to an actual girl named Bella) I was calling all the girls who walked through the door Bella. It was simply a good business policy! Over the course of about 4 months I think I found a couple guylighters who liked Bella, and I heard about a lesbian who fancied her. Nothing more. I decided to dig deeper to find out why.

Most of the women who hate Kristin claim it is because of her acting. They say she is "the same in every movie" or that she just sucks. I have not ever seen Kristen in any other movie, so I don't know. I do know that she has managed to keep getting roles, so apparently even if she is as bad as they say, somebody is buying. Not that it matters. What I found suspicious is that all the women who "hate her acting" are also suspiciously in love with Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner...But women don't get JEALOUS do they?????!!!!!

My opinion is that yes, they are absolutely, irrevocably, and undeniably, jealous of Kristen. I have honestly seen postings on the internet where women (the ones who never show their picture) are making fun of her because she said John Steinbeck is her favorite author! It's crazy! They were saying that it made her dumb! I don't know about my readers, but these days a young person who even has a favorite author is a bit of a surprise. Not only that actors and actresses are notorious for being vacuous and stupid. Come on ladies, I won't make fun of you if you just admit that you are completely jealous! Please, just say it. I don't believe your lies, I don't even care.

So perhaps the women are right. Maybe she can't act. I don't know, when I see her in "On The Road" I will have a better idea. Either way, it won't do much good to hate her because you love Rob Pattinson. Let me give you a hint, you are not going to be his girlfriend. Ever. So whether or not Rob and Kristen are together, you better get used to it. Because if he gets married or has another girlfriend, I am sure you are going to say you hate her too. And it will be jealousy. I can imagine Rob marrying someone who is both beautiful, genius (Nobel Prize), and a humanitarian. The perfect woman. It wouldn't matter, jealous women would find all her flaws and create online communities to discuss it.

That is just how women can be. Vindictive and cruel. Usually much crueler to other women than men. As I mentioned, we don't care as much, and we are sort of stupid with picking up on stuff, so when a woman says something extra biting, we just might miss it. The nice thing is that women understand themselves. I am sure Kristen has read the nasty things that are said about her. It is probably why she acts like a bitch sometimes. If you were under that kind of scrutiny what would you do? I would personally create images and illusions. It is a pretty good way of keeping your own life private, while at the same time creating controversy and getting publicity. Anyway, the point of this piece is not to defend Kristen's acting, which I have hardly seen, but rather to get you women to admit you are jealous. Don't try to lie, because I don't believe you. Just grow up and say it. "I hate Kristen because I want to be her."

Editors note: From my experience I find that the most vocal opponents of K-Stew are married women. I would venture to guess that the reason they do not display their own pictures is because they are crazy looking. At best. Who their husbands are I do not know. Most likely you will find them on Peopleof walmart.com, shows like Cops, and perhaps at gay bars. I do not feel sorry for these women. I actually don't even feel sorry for Kristen. She is paid well, and probably has the sense not to care. All I want is for the haters to admit their jealousy. And perhaps hire a gigolo.