Damn Doot! Houston Be Crazy!

It seems in this Seattle gloom that my heart pines for the sunny south. Why else would I find myself looking at strictly platonic posts from Houston Craigslist? I never had before, and in fact the only time I went to Houston was an ill fated trip to The Johnson Space Center (Pro tip: IT'S BORING AS HELL!!!!). Well without further ado, why don't we take a peek at the platonic peeps (I have never before said that word, and I just puked on my friends cat after I did!) of Houston! As always I add captions to the real pictures from the posts, since Craigslist hasn't advanced that far, and because I am sort of an ass.

3) want a french braid? - m4w - 21 (houston)

Date: 2012-12-12, 3:32PM CST

i'm just a guy who likes to french braid. I'm looking for a woman with longish, healthy hair who is preferably single. Again, this would pretty much just amount to me French braiding hair. Email for moreinfo. If you want your hair French braided, let me know. :)

Please include a picture of yourself in the email to me, and if you are real, I'll send one of me. As a note, I am a really cool guy. this might seem weird, but I'm not. I'm fit, intelligent and good-looking. I just so happen to really like French braids. :)

Here's a french braid that i've done:

 

This is not an actual mannequin head, it is an actual human head! Hee!

 

These human heads are actually nailed to the wall and the braids are shellacked. Which is all part of the process!!!! Hahaha!

 

WHAT IN THE HELL DOES IT MEAN???

If you are lucky this intelligent, fit and handsome man will kill you prior to French braiding your hair and then somehow having braid sex with it. That is the best case scenario. He is obviously crazy as hell, even if he isn't a damn killer (yet) he still has mannequin heads with braided hair in his office or TV room or whatever. This if you didn't know, is NOT FUCKING NORMAL BEHAVIOR! And that is coming from a man who spent 6 months of this year living in a van with a mouse in rural Australia. I KNOW CRAZY!!! EDITORS HUNCH: He prefers you be single so YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T REPORT A MISSING PERSON!

 

Bored!! - m4w - 30 (North)

Date: 2012-12-12, 5:06PM CST

I have several days of vaction left and must use them before the end of the year. I plan to get back into my workout routine but wont be doing that the only time. So I need suggestions cause I am new in town.

LOOK AT ME!!! I AM BORED!!!! WHY AM I BORED? PLEASE LADIES, DON'T LET ME BE SO BORED!!!!

WHAT THE HELL DOES IT MEAN?????

Honestly, I really don't know but it is something about how he's fat and still wants sex. Let's look at the text a bit and see if we can decipher what the hell he is saying (besides: "Look at my sexy shades, tat and Under Armour combo! LADIES!!! LADIES?????"):

"I have several days of vaction left and must use them before the end of the year."

What it probably means: I got fired/never had a job so I have free time.

"I plan to get back into my workout routine but wont be doing that the only time."

What it probably means: I am out of shape and too lazy to start soon. And I failed English.

 "So I need suggestions cause I am new in town."

What it could possibly mean: Either he is looking for a gym? Or he is looking for vacation spots? Probably just sex though, so let's say that this post is just a misguided attempt to get sexy. It just feels right to me.

 

Scrrrrrrratch... - m4w (Houston)

 Date: 2012-12-12, 1:09PM CST

I was a bear in my past life. I really enjoy my upper and lower back being scratched moderately hard. Aswell, I love a great hair scratch on the top on my head. While this sounds funny, it's true and I'm willing to put up some money for it. I don't have a number set in stone so if you are interested, how about you email me and tell me what you'd accept.

Also, you must be able to host, please.

I want to make this as clear as day, I am not looking for sex. I'm a man who enjoys having his back and hair scratched. You can get comfortable too. If you'd like you can turn on the tv, pour you a glass of wine, let me lay on your lap and scratch away.

You give me an amount first.

Thank you

Try and figure out what kind of bear he used to be....

WHAT THE HELL DOES IT MEAN????

Look, its a dude who used to be a bear who wants to come to your house so you can scratch him. He will pay whatever you want, so fuck you for questioning it! Some people always assume that just because someone wants to come to their house and get scratched while you get drunk and watch TV that there is something sexual going on. EDITORS HINT: THE BEAR IS GOING TO BE AROUSED AS HELL SO DO NOT WEAR A FUR COAT!

Thanks again for reading another installment of the BS Report, I work super hard on this stuff! Yours truly, Bazza

 

 

 

Ladies, you have options...

How many emails have I received about the marital/boyfriend problems that people (women I do not know) on my Facebook friends list are experiencing? The answer? You actually do not want to know. It has happened a lot, but thankfully not for awhile. I assume that this is the calm before the storm, so in order to thwart the inevitable, and give these women some men to pal around with, I went on www.craigslist.org/houston and picked out a few choice entries.  They are as follows:

1) Free Room Share - m4w - 28 (Hotel)

I am a business man and can provide a place to stay while I am here. Email for more details. Hotel is at Sage and Westheimer.

Highlights: In my opinion this whole entry is a highlight. Nothing says "no strings attached" like the phrase "free room to share." It is not like he is into anything crazy, plus he probably gets HBO. On top of that the two of you (though he does not specify a number) could discuss business as you doze off. If you are lucky he will let you order up room service. Not a bad deal, if you are homeless you have a place. If you already have a place, think of it as a "staycation" either way you can't possibly lose here!

2) An adventure - m4w (houston)

Hey!

I am looking for a femaile friend to share an adventure with. Look, I put this in platonic because I'm not after sex and that kinda gets in the way of fun sometimes. I will meet any and all of your security needs as I know there are some real psycos and creeps out there. You should be attractive, HWP, 35 - 52, fun loving, gregarious (never met a stranger), humorous and like water and beaches, dancing and good food. This is a vacation, so you will need some time to get away. This is not a bot....I AM REAL! If you respond, put pina colada's in your subject line. You must send a picture. Mutual attraction is a must. I promise, you will not be disappointed with my looks. I am divorced and not dating at this time.

Highlights: One of the key highlights here is that the author assures the reader that he is "not a bot...I AM REAL!" Of course if you read the...as hesitation, you might wonder why...he had to...figure out he WAS REAL! Either way it is nice to know that though he is in no way interested in sex (we all agree that it gets in the way of the fun right?) he IS interested in what his "femaile friend" looks like. Lastly, it is clearly a benefit that he will "meet any and all of your security needs." Suffice to say that though he does not reveal what his "vacation" will consist of (I read this several times without realizing he would be taking you somewhere), it is sure to be "an adventure." One from which you may "decide" never to return from.

3) 60, gray, Beer belly, married - m4w - 60 (Katy)

Hi
My name is Ed and let me tell you about me. As I said I am white, 60, gray hair somewhat thining, with a bet of a beer belly. I am Texas Through and through.
Talk Texan, walk texan, think texan. A bit of a red neck. I dive a Chevy Pick up and I have a few cows. I am a Cowboy fan, Texan are OK too.
Now that most of you have left, let me tell you what I like to do. I am retired now so I have all day to run and play. The only problem is I can play like I use to
sad to say. So I would like to find a lady that like to set around a talk and be a friends. The only thing I have now is me and I do give great wallet.
you must be over 18 and under 65 and you can not have a kick stand, in other words you must set to pee. Sound like a plan, let me know.
Ed

Highlights: Clarity. Sort of. At the end he hints that you can not have a "kick stand" which I presumed was a cane. But in the next sentence he says it means "you must set to pee." Of course, he may mean, you must be set on pee! And the pee setting is one which I use on any appliance I own. In fact my laptop is set to pee every 10 minutes. Thank goodness it is a hot day. Typically in the winter it is set to pee only every hour, the cold weather really changes things. Other highlights are that he gives "great wallet" a skill which is usefull the whole world round. He also "dives" a Chevy truck and "owns a few cows." All around, he sounds like a hell of a tallented man. Next?

4) WHO WANTS TO PLAY? - m4w - 22 (hwy6 and 290)

I WANT TO GET DOWN GET DOWN JUNGLE BOOGIE WITH SOME CATS..MY MOTORCYCLE....AND I GUESS A CUTE GIRL!!! I MEAN CMON LOOK AT ME!! DO I LOOK LIKE IM NOT INTO FUN?!?!?!!?!?!?
EMAIL ME I BROKE MY PHONE LETTING A CAT CHEW ON IT. MEOW

This is the face of a man who is clearly unafraid of cats!

Highlights: Let's face it, this entry is short and to the point. He wants to party on a motorcycle with cats and perhaps a girl. If you need anything more than that, the problem lies within. Your. Cold. Evil. Soul.

5) **I SEEK ASIAN/LATINA LADY FOR PROSPEROUS BUSINESSMAN COMPANIONSHIPS** - m4w - 41 (HOUSTON)

I am a Caucasian male, 41 and 5' 10" and 175 lbs. I am a professional white collar executive company President. I own and operate a very profitable import commodities company. Most of my product comes from either Asia or Latin America. I am clean and healthy, considerate, both very financially and quite emotionally stable. I am well educated, well dressed, and well mannered. I am seeking a mature Asian or Latina woman from 20-50 years old who is in the same situation as I. If you are looking for attention and appreciation and the finer things in life then I can provide that for you. I am a respectful traditional gentleman who is sincerely seeking a mutually interested woman. Please send pix and I will be most pleased to reciprocate. You any feel free to ask any questions or concerns you may have. Be well and take good care.

 Highlights: This is totally a legit opportunity and not a scam.

Well ladies, there you have it. Who says that Ol' Buzzsaw is not taking care of you?

PS-If any Asian or Latina females need to get ahold of me, please use the same email address as the cat guy. LOL