Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Damn Doot! Houston Be Crazy!

It seems in this Seattle gloom that my heart pines for the sunny south. Why else would I find myself looking at strictly platonic posts from Houston Craigslist? I never had before, and in fact the only time I went to Houston was an ill fated trip to The Johnson Space Center (Pro tip: IT'S BORING AS HELL!!!!). Well without further ado, why don't we take a peek at the platonic peeps (I have never before said that word, and I just puked on my friends cat after I did!) of Houston! As always I add captions to the real pictures from the posts, since Craigslist hasn't advanced that far, and because I am sort of an ass.

3) want a french braid? - m4w - 21 (houston)
Date: 2012-12-12, 3:32PM CST

i'm just a guy who likes to french braid. I'm looking for a woman with longish, healthy hair who is preferably single. Again, this would pretty much just amount to me French braiding hair. Email for moreinfo. If you want your hair French braided, let me know. :)

Please include a picture of yourself in the email to me, and if you are real, I'll send one of me. As a note, I am a really cool guy. this might seem weird, but I'm not. I'm fit, intelligent and good-looking. I just so happen to really like French braids. :)

Here's a french braid that i've done:
This is not an actual mannequin head, it is an actual human head! Hee!
These human heads are actually nailed to the wall and the braids are shellacked. Which is all part of the process!!!! Hahaha!
If you are lucky this intelligent, fit and handsome man will kill you prior to French braiding your hair and then somehow having braid sex with it. That is the best case scenario. He is obviously crazy as hell, even if he isn't a damn killer (yet) he still has mannequin heads with braided hair in his office or TV room or whatever. This if you didn't know, is NOT FUCKING NORMAL BEHAVIOR! And that is coming from a man who spent 6 months of this year living in a van with a mouse in rural Australia. I KNOW CRAZY!!! EDITORS HUNCH: He prefers you be single so YOUR HUSBAND DOESN'T REPORT A MISSING PERSON!
Bored!! - m4w - 30 (North)

Date: 2012-12-12, 5:06PM CST

I have several days of vaction left and must use them before the end of the year. I plan to get back into my workout routine but wont be doing that the only time. So I need suggestions cause I am new in town.
Honestly, I really don't know but it is something about how he's fat and still wants sex. Let's look at the text a bit and see if we can decipher what the hell he is saying (besides: "Look at my sexy shades, tat and Under Armour combo! LADIES!!! LADIES?????"):
"I have several days of vaction left and must use them before the end of the year."
What it probably means: I got fired/never had a job so I have free time.
"I plan to get back into my workout routine but wont be doing that the only time."
What it probably means: I am out of shape and too lazy to start soon. And I failed English.
 "So I need suggestions cause I am new in town."
What it could possibly mean: Either he is looking for a gym? Or he is looking for vacation spots? Probably just sex though, so let's say that this post is just a misguided attempt to get sexy. It just feels right to me.
Scrrrrrrratch... - m4w (Houston)

 Date: 2012-12-12, 1:09PM CST

I was a bear in my past life. I really enjoy my upper and lower back being scratched moderately hard. Aswell, I love a great hair scratch on the top on my head. While this sounds funny, it's true and I'm willing to put up some money for it. I don't have a number set in stone so if you are interested, how about you email me and tell me what you'd accept.

Also, you must be able to host, please.

I want to make this as clear as day, I am not looking for sex. I'm a man who enjoys having his back and hair scratched. You can get comfortable too. If you'd like you can turn on the tv, pour you a glass of wine, let me lay on your lap and scratch away.

You give me an amount first.

Thank you
Try and figure out what kind of bear he used to be....
Look, its a dude who used to be a bear who wants to come to your house so you can scratch him. He will pay whatever you want, so fuck you for questioning it! Some people always assume that just because someone wants to come to their house and get scratched while you get drunk and watch TV that there is something sexual going on. EDITORS HINT: THE BEAR IS GOING TO BE AROUSED AS HELL SO DO NOT WEAR A FUR COAT!
Thanks again for reading another installment of the BS Report, I work super hard on this stuff! Yours truly, Bazza

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