Best of 2010, part II

Dr Hunter S Twilight here. Last night "Buzzsaw" got all sentimental about all this "sweet" stuff. It showed him to be a precious turd. In reality he is as bad if not worse than the two things I hate the most. I am writing this in hopes of ruining his pathetic career and forcing him to become a hippie.

The nice thing is that both things are actually people. At least I think they might be. They are also both from the UK. So even for a dunce like me, it is easy to remember. For the sake of my simple mind I will go alphabetically. Starting with B.

B stands for Bono. The first thing I hate about this "man" is his name. It is spelled B O N O. It should and will be pronounced BOH-NO not BAWNO. Was Cher's former husband Sonny Bawno? Absolutely not. If he wanted it to be pronounced that way he should have spelled it Bonno. It is very simple. Respect my ability to read and pronounce the English language and I will respect you BOWNO. I don't mind the fact that his music is bland and boring like plain oatmeal. It is probably good for you too. The fact is that I can barely remember any of it and it all sounds the same.

BOWNO's lameness is not diminished by the fact that his guitar player, David Howell Evans, insists on being called "The Edge" and wearing that damn beanie. It sounds like a bad wrestling moniker Dave. The beanie makes you look like a mime too poor to get a striped shirt. This longtime association is an indication that they are both terrible people. I have not even started on BOWNO's glasses.

I don't know how long The Bone has been wearing yellow safety glasses, but I would pay good money to see him without them. Essentially they are a middle finger to the world which he displays on his face. Nobody in their right mind would think they look good. Does he want to make fun of the working man who actually has to wear safety glasses and who spends good money to buy his music? He is just the insincere type of fiend who would love to thumb his nose at his audience.

Lastly, bOWNO is obnoxious because of his "spirituality." He has been adopted by many for his "faith" but I have never heard him say anything. He is the grayest of the gray areas. neither black nor white, sitting on the fence line collecting money from both sides of the fence. As far as I know all he has ever done is play music. Much of the time making massive amounts of money doing it. To some this may be equivalent of a Masters in Divinity, but not to this cat. Bowno, please shut the hell up!

The next "artist" I hate is Sting. I will briefly outline why, then pull BOWNO back into the mix and lacerate them both. Gordon Sumner aka Sting is an irritating putz who probably spends half his day in front of the mirror and the other half creating pretentious press releases. He is rich beyond belief, yet wants to be known as an everyman. Like Bowno he is "spiritual" only to a level which will not offend, mainly probably so he can impress women.

If his music were less annoying maybe I would hate him less. It is, and I don't If I wanted to here someone repeatedly wail the name Roxanne, then I would be the moron. I don't and am not. The real proof of the pudding lies in the fact that he loves to brag about practicing tantric sex, and even claims to have 14 hour sex sessions! This is a lie because no one does that, and if they could would be bored as hell way before 14 hours. It never happened Sting you lie! I could maybe stomach both of these buffoons, if not for their "charitable works."

Neither Bowno or Sting will stop trying to get their fans (who by the way are paying for their lavish lifestyle) to part with more money. Sting has an estimated fortune of $160 MILLION! He has multiple estates. And he wants me to send money to other people. This is neat. The fact is that I know people with more talent than Sting who dedicate their lives to charitable works. shut your mouth Sting. Stop talking. Bono has an estimated net worth of between $100-400 MILLION. And he wants me to give money to his pet charity. Both of these buffoons could still be rich beyond belief and probably save an entire African nation. I think they are the worst of people, let's vote them off our planet!

Thank you for reading this, hope your Christmas was as boring as mine. Dr HS Twilight, PHD

The questions keep coming!

Dear Mr Barnes, We have become aware that you are using the term “Twidentified.” In doing so you are compromising the integrity of our firm and our products. As the producers of the Twilight saga we feel that it is vital to ask you to cease and desist from use of this word. Though we do not own this word itself we own the prefix “twi” and all words containing this prefix.  We want you to realize how serious we are so the following are an actual list of other groups and organizations we have filed similar actions against: Twimoms of Kentucky (multi million dollar settlement in our favor), twilovers of Asia (cease and desist as well as flogging of founders Yee Lin and Sue Young), and the MidWest Twi-teens Special Olympics fundraising club (multi-million dollar settlement and published letter of apology). In short we mean business and do not intend to let your little song and dance routine go unpunished. If you intend to continue in your impudent ways, rest assured you will have lawyers all over you like Asians at Disneyland. If you know what is good for you get out before we kill you.

Best regards, Al Goldstein VP Summit Entertainment CO

Dear Al, I have deleted my facebook account and taken my website offline, what else do I need to do? Best Regards, Buzzsaw

Darling Buzzard, I really like this nickname, do you mind if I use it? I found you via the internet and I am very glad I did. You see I am a wealthy woman and I am interested in collaborating with you. In particular I would like to make a mask with your face on it. You might be aware that there is nowhere to buy an “Edward” mask and if we make one of your face it will be the next best thing. I am sure it would not sell much in the US but since Asians love Twilight I think that we could do well in that market. It turns out that Asian men even like to read Twilight! Perhaps that is because of the language barrier. Anyway, hey, let’s make a mask with your face. Also I want you to copyright your face as well. It would be very good business. Ta ta, Silvia

Dear Silvia, that is really weird. If you have the money I’ve got the time. At the same time, I am having trouble understanding how I would copyright my face, but if it makes sense to you it makes sense to me. Also if you have this much money why don’t you go to www.edwardsinforks.smugmug.com and buy some pictures, I could really use the money! Love always Buzzard

Hi. I am in love with you. And not because of your looks. That does come into play though. Actually I am in love with you because of your role in the Twilight Saga. Signed Dee Dee in Fiji

Dear Dee Dee, thanks, did you like my work? I really appreciate it. If you want to give me a call, I will e-mail you my number. Call  me anytime, seriously. Ian Barnes

Dearest Blizzard, did you know that you are soo much sexy man? I attraction everyday with man like this! So much sexxxy is good! You know I from Lebenon! Many girl love you face works, looks so nice/good. Please love me to be you girlfriend? I hope so. If no Maybe suicide. JK Hahahahahaha! Lovely, Marika

Dear Marika, please seek professional help. Best Regards, Blizzard

Ask Buzzsaw! Questions from Around the World!

Dear Buzzsaw/Buzzman I have been a long time fan of yours and I wanted to ask you a sort of personal question. Is that OK? Samantha  in Sydney

Dear Sam, of course it is OK, especially if it is deeply personal. Actually I am kidding, please don’t ask me any questions. Kidding again. It is OK, but remember my mother prereads all of my fan mail so if you do not want me involved in a long awkward convo with my madre, please keep it somewhat decent. By decent I mean anything that will not start a conversation with mom about when I am going to settle down and start breeding. Lastly, I love that you wrote me a question asking if you could ask a question. In closing, Samantha, you can feel free to ask questions anytime you want. I just might not answer them honestly. Especially if they involve money. Love ya, Buzzard

Dear D-Patz why do they call you D-Patz?  Russell C.

Dear Russell C, It is because as Robert Parkinson's fake older brother Richie, I could not use the moniker R-Patz (he already uses it!), also my actual fake story involved going into the witness protection program and a full separation of the Pattinson clan. In short D-Patz stands for Dick Pattinson, my fake abbreviated name. Thanks for asking! Hacksaw

Dear moron, let me out of the locked roof top box. I promise I will not attempt to grope your fans. That is unless they want me to. And I know they do. So let me out you little ninney. I hate you. Signed Dr HS Twilight, best regards.

Dear Dr. Twilight, after the stunts you pulled in Baton Rouge you are permanently on probation. I am currently in the process of working with our defense attorney to try and get them to drop the trespassing and assault charges you have managed to get me involved in during your attempted break-in to the Celtic Studio lot. If I could afford to let you run amuck I would have to be very rich. Sadly for you, I am very poor. So suffer you evil little man! Buzzsaw The Great!

Dear kind sir, my friend had a question to ask you but she is really shy. She wants to know if you would ever be interested in dating a goth, and why or why not? If it is not too much trouble, would you dress as a goth and post the pic? She would love it! Love always Cat!

Hey Cat, you are a really good friend. I am guessing your friend is not a mouse either! Ha! You might be surprised but this is a question I have heard several times this week alone! It seems like I might have a strong gothic following. I really do appreciate the gothic lifestyle, but to tell you the truth Cat, I am not really into heavy make-up and the color black. You see I really like cowgirls and sexy librarians. And for some reason I don’t think I could relax with a goth as a girlfriend. There is just something about going to all that trouble to get dressed and made-up which makes me believe that I would not be a very good goth man. I am really lazy Cat. I am more like a hippie than a goth. All truth be told, since I am not in love, I could actually meet and fall in love with a goth some day, but I have no idea! In the future, I might become a goth! I highly doubt it though! Rock on industrially Cat. Rock on. Buzzsaw PS-Sorry Cat, but it is too much trouble!

Dear Buzzsaw I have been curious for a while, are you a gay? Tom Tom in Philly

Dear Tom Tom, Thanks for asking. My mother wonders the same thing. But as far as I can tell no. Love your Cuz Buzz PS-I am 85-95% sure I am a flaming heterosexual!

Dear Buzzsaw, can you believe that you have to pay for snacks on airplanes now? Marty Stuart

Dear Marty Stuart, I find it kind of shocking that I can take a 4 ½ hour flight and not even get a pack of peanuts. If I was not so disgustingly cheap I would have bought some kind of jerky before I got into this tin can. Unfortunately I am now digesting my stomach lining because I am so hungry. What a pain! Blizzard PS-Marty I loved your mullet in the '80's!

Dear Buzzman, don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you have a big ego. That is why you are trying to be Edward. You even try to tell people that you look like him too. You really just look like Paul Rudd. Duh! Anyway, my friend thinks your hot, but I like your photographer more. He is cute. By the way I am a man. Jane Volterra

Dear Jane Volterra, I love you. Will you marry me? Scuzzsaw

Musings of a hostage...The Italian Space Stallion!

It has been a wonderful trip. I have seen places I would have never seen. But I think things have gotten out of hand! My current location is the food court of the Kennedy Space Center museum. I from where I am seated I can see the "Blast off Bistro" "South of the Martian Border." If I get up I can see "Moon Wok" "Launch Foods" and at the very end, "Italian Bistro." The "Italian Bistro" saddens me because it seems like a little lost sheep on the end. All the other places are cleverly titled with puns while sad little I.B. is forgotten. They should have just called it "The Rocketino", "The Flying Meatball!"  or better yet, "The Italian Space Stallion". It is a decent food court, as food courts go. If I were to buy anything, which I am not it would be from the "Moon Wok." Since I am extremely poor, I am going to have to be content with smelling the food.

Don't get me wrong, I love space. I even like rocket ships. Unfortunately I am not interested in flight simulators and I already looked at all the space suits. In fact I am more interested paying my Verizon phone bill (I just received a phone call from them, I will continue writing while trying to evade my bill)! Anyone who has attempted to call me since June will understand that there is really no reason I should pay that bill. My phone does not even ring except when a bill collector or my mother calls. Even with the ringer volume turned up so loud that it is distorting, I still do not hear my phone. In order to receive a phone call I have to hold my phone and stare at it until it lights up from an incoming call. For this reason I have stopped even trying to answer the phone. But that is not the worst part of my problems with Verizon wireless...

When I got my "smart" phone, a Druid Arris it was out of an immediate need for a new phone. I was moving out of my house, recording an album, welding a gate, among other things. This was in June as Lando and I were getting ready to embark on the odyssey which included a trip to the Twilight Eclipse premier and a summer in Forks WA. While I was up at my friend Shenny's house working on the album and gate I lost my phone charger. I was without a phone for two days which was terrible. I had been trying to organize musicians, the bank, and "concerned" family members, so I needed that damn phone. I decided that I might as well just upgrade to a "smart" phone. [I interrupt this piece to watch The Combustion Show!  One of the things I am most interested in]

The switch was problematic from the start. At the first Verizon store I went to I was informed that I would have to pay full retail price for a new phone. It was so frustrating that I walked out. It was only when I went to the Southcenter mall that I got

 [I tried to tell my Verizon story only because a bill collector called while I was attempting to write about this food court, but the alarming number of Boy Scouts and the volume of the Combustion Show have thwarted any progress I make. I am ashamed that I did not mention the fact that they have "Solar Salads" and the "Zero G Cafe" as well. Our Australian kidnapper is now waiting on the trolley for the 12:00 tour. So I must end this account. "Go heat, fuel, oxygen! This is what I am hearing. Boom. And Lando just walked around the corner with a jumbo pretzel. The combustion show just ended. "Go Heat, fuel, Oxygen!" Yay! I apologize to the world for this. Buzzsaw.

Note: The Verizon debacle involves 5 stores from The Northgate Mall to Santa Monica California. During the summer I had a "contacts list" which was copied from the internet by hand. This was done by a 15 year old Quielleute girl who was one of our interns. I apologize for not elaborating.

Answering the challenge: Russellhood Reviewed!

Hi there! If you are wondering how I am doing, here is the update: I am not writing blogs because I am too busy playing open mic nights and blowing minds around Baton Rouge to fill your computer with BS! Also, since I don’t make any money out of this here report, I am unmotivated to do anything except sneak around film locations and carouse. Well, for those who read the announcement of the challenge between Dr HS Twilight and myself, I am giving you my half of the challenge, yes it is late, but I am not getting paid, so I don’t care! Here is my review of the latest “Robin Hood” movie:

Robin Hood: A long and boring tale. Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood is a stinking turd of a film. This utter waste of resources stars Russell Crowe and some other morons who must have been desperate for work. The movie starts in some damn place. Let’s say Palestine or Hungary. I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that the writer decided to ignore the fact that in the tales of Robin Hood he never went on a crusade. Well, after being a jackass, Russellhood meets “Little John.” I was trying to follow the movie but I did not realize that this bland buffoon was one of Russellhood’s “merry men.” His presence was useless and he did nothing. In the tales of Robin Hood, Little John and Robin met in Sherwood Forest while trying to cross a narrow bridge at the same time. They fought with bo-staffs. Little John proved to be both clever and brave, as did Robin. In this movie, it is not clear if these “characters” are either. Back to the boring story!

Somehow the King of England is killed, after chasing Russellhood away for some reason. This is important only to the crazy plot that involved political intrigue and lots of shots that involved the camera spinning around RussellHood. In fact it was so bad I will not even attempt to go further. Here are just a few of the offences committed in this movie:

To begin with Russellhood LIVES IN A HOUSE! What in the hell kind of Robin Hood does that! At least Kevin Costner lived in the woods! His movie sucked too, but he did have that part right. Another vulgar misuse of “folk lore” is that RussellHood DID NOT STEAL FROM THE RICH AND GIVE TO THE POOR! Of course in real life if there was such a man he probably did not either, but the point is that almost every single tale of Robin Hood involves some kind of trick, or a robbery. In a few they are foiled, and sometimes they increase the band of merry men, such as the case of Little John, but they are THIEVES, which is why it is cool in the first place. This movie is such a waste of time that I actually walked out before the last EPIC BATTLE SCENE! None of these things have anything to do with Robin Hood! I was literally flogging myself with a licorice whip in a vain attempt to deter the REM sleep that was closing in on me faster than a good day at church! I was so bored watching this sullen band (OF 5!) mope across the screen that I was considering trying to rob the movie theater in protest! Don’t get me wrong, Russelhood is not the worst possible Robin Hood, but even Sinbad would be better. But let us not forget a certain Ridley Scott!

A fact which really fires up my boiler is that Scott had the nerve to criticize other Robin Hood movies! He claimed that they were inaccurate. I don’t know about you but I am inspired. I will use the fact that I am in Louisiana to put a voodoo curse on Mr Scott so that he cannot get funding for anything but reality shows, though whatever he does is bound to be awful. This farce of a movie is not even worth watching for free, and I would rather be fed live scorpions than watch it again. All told I give this movie negative 50 stars. It is so bad that homeless people have walked out. It is so bad that I heard grown men crying and whimpering “make it stop” as I induced vomiting on the floor in order to purge myself of my contact with this disgrace of a film!

So for those of you wishing to see a good Robin Hood movie I suggest this: get the Disney version with the fox. It features the songs of Roger Miller and also shows you how to make a snorkel out of a reed. It is a damn good movie, and until a good version is made must suffice.  So burn in hell Ridley Scott, you stupid man! And Russelhood, may your career wither and fade like a cast member from The Real World (is that even a show anymore?)! Summary: Worst movie ever! Buzz

0 grams of Trans Fat!

I was inspired to say a few words about this subject from a bag of chips that Lando bought in New Mexico. The bag proudly advertised "0 grams trans fat", as if that would make eating chips good for you. I have seen this displayed on a wide variety of completely unhealthy foods in the past, but I forgot about it until now. Did you know that trans fat is not real? McDonalds does not have it. Chips don't have it. Hostess Twinkies don't have it. Are any of these things good for you? Are they low in fat? No. Trans fat is the jackalope of the fat world. It is the Loch Ness monster of healthy eating.

I have asked people who are into health what it is. All they will tell me is that it is "really bad." So now I am supposed to be scared. Currently I am on a mission to try and find something WITH trans fat. What does it even mean? Is it transsexual fat? Will it make me grow breasts? As far as I am concerned I think that I have more chance of getting struck by lightning than I do of buying something which contains this elusive lipid. Not that my chance of heart failure has diminished. Hardly at all. During my search for this chupacabra of health "bad boys" I have been eating everything from entire sticks of butter, to bacon fried in bacon grease, topped with whale blubber. I have eaten everything in the Cookin' with Elvis cookbook. My jowls are hanging low, but still no trans fat.

I must admit that I  have been considering a sex change though, so maybe I have ingested some. Or I could be just under the spell of El Dorado. Either way, if anyone out there can explain what Trans fat is and how come everything that is bad for you does not contain it, I would be happy to know. Not that I will believe you. KFC does not have it. Neither does Chik-a Fils, I don't even think I could find anything at Walmart that has trans fat, so the search goes on. Anyway, I think I am going to eat some deep fried Snickers bars, because I am not worried about them having one gram of trans fat. Oh goody! Health food! The Buzzman