Dr H.S. Twilight appologizes to Forks!

Ah, crisp fall days, robust smells of pumpkin spice, neat crisp bundle of papers from a class action lawsuit against me...What could be better? As far as I am concerned not much. It seems that when the good Dr. Hunter S. Twilight decided to have a bit of fun with Forks WA, he might have gone too far! Nobody cared when he was ranting about how everyone should "hide their women and money" in fact I believe everyone did that. I guess where he went over the line was when he suggested that he might write some phone numbers in a gay bar. It turns out that the action according to some local Forkers, "is gay." So as his attorney I advised him to write an apology. It reads as follows:

Dear Forks. I am sorry that I considered taking action against the minority of morons who give your town a bad name. Apparently if you are not from Forks you have to sit and take it, never acting in retribution. I did not receive this memo. In fact I have been at the store purchasing a new AR-15. It has a lovely feel to it. Ah, the topic at hand. I understand how the local Forkers take pride in their town. There are certainly some things to take pride in. One thing Forks is famous for is raising money to support people in the community who are in need. It is known all around the county. I have heard that the Forks Lions club raises more money than any Lions club in the world. I do not believe it for a second. I do believe that they raise a lot of money though. That said, I like the kids of Forks too. I was impressed by some young guys on my last day in town in fact. I was walking to my shop and three kids in a pick-up truck all flipped the middle finger at the same time. It was like watching an aerial show at a Russian circus. So perfectly timed. It blew me away because I was waiting all summer for something new, and on my last day it happened! So I won't write their names in a gay bar. Does this count as enough pro Forks jargon? Can I stop now? Oh, I almost forgot, I like the fact that their is no fast food chain in Forks, except the Subway at the gas station. Fine, I did it. Do you still hate me? Good because I don't care. Forks has "adult videos" in the public library. Didn't know that? No it is not pornography, it is simply that someone did not realize that you don't call regular videos, adult videos, even if you have a section for kids videos. ADULT VIDEOS???!!!!??? Forks, I am now making fun of you! Why? Because I would rather die than live in a world where I cannot make fun of a library that calls "Fried Green Tomato's" an "ADULT VIDEO." Go ahead and visit the Forks library, you can see for yourself! Does the fact that I am making fun of this indicate that I hate your town? No, I just hate a world that takes itself too seriously. There is a thing called a roast. During a roast a bunch of people that like someone get together and make fun of that person. It is an honor. Forks, please be happy that I am roasting you. It means you are something of note. So here is to you Forks! I hope you do sue me, it will make me completely and utterly notorious! It will possibly get me a lot of good media hype. Also I have no money so I don't know what you are going to get! By the way, you may hate me, but I know for a fact that I have some lifelong friends out there. I also don't think that the Mexicans hate me. Since they make up one third of the town are you going to sue them for making fun of rednecks? Come on Forks, get a sense of humor!  Best regards, Dr Hunter S Twilight


PS- I was just about to start making fun of Twilighters and I get sued by Forks! Talk about a rough one. I was certain that the Forkers would laugh like hell when I told them about the three ladies who were conducting a twilight puppet show in an outhouse in La Push, and how they tried to lock the door from the inside when they saw me, but alas, your funny bone is obviously not working. Too damn bad. Also, if anyone from Forks wants to make fun of Bellevue WA, have at it. I will join you. Again, my apologies for being honest. HST.


So there it is. I am not sure if it is an apology at all, but it is better than nothing I hope. Anyway, I am sure the good Dr is thankful for all the free beer and food he was given in Forks. Also he told me he was glad that he did not gain any new STD's. I thought that was rude and uncalled for, since he is socially inept and the women hate him. So there you have it, for what it's worth, I tried. At least I can say that I tried! Buzzsaw

The Doctor is in...

November 2nd. I voted. So there, I did my part. It feels pretty sexy, sliding that ballot into the box. Knowing the futility of the process at times. I do feel I did my part by voting the state out of the liquor business. I want handy access, the government has terrible hours for booze buyin'. Now the task at hand tonight is painting. Not panting as I am sure at 45% of my readers assume.  The screaming women are real. I also wait to hear hysterical laughing. Both are signs of a twidentification in process. But the women are generally married, too young, or smart enough to steer clear of renegades with little regard for the law or generally accepted retail practices.

Yes, people scream at me alot. I don't scream at people, but hell I might start...Of all the things I have heard screamed, and all the people I am conflicted about is the redneck boys of Forks. Queer. Faggot. Gay Ass Edward. Douche Bag. I was in the town for 3 months and was screamed sat at least 5 times a week. And these few things were all I heard. People joke about the "gene puddle" in Forks. When I say "people" what I mean is myself and anyone I have told this to. Its depressing when you have all day to think of something to scream at the new guy and all you can think of is queer.

What about "q-ball?" Is it so difficult? Can I get an amen for "Candy-Ass Bitch?" It is in your face and cool sounding. I shed a tear for the lack of creativity among the young men of Forks. In a small town, insulting the new guy is fine, especially if he looks like a transvestite vampire who is too much of a putz to drop out of high school. If I were from Forks I would have done it too. My only hope is that I would have at least done something dramatic, like letting the air out of "Edward's" tires. So I forgive them. who cares anyway. Now the fact that I know who they are and can get their phone numbers if I want is of no concern of yours. That the good Dr is driving through Modesto CA home of gay club The Brave Bull is not important. And if their numbers are written on the bathroom walls of The Brave Bull why worry. If it happens, I guess it is fate. I hear that The Brave Bull has a great dance floor too! Ah, the road, I am almost too excited to send hate mail to the creators of the snuggie over a delayed order. Wait no, I am wide awake. Dr Hunter S. Twilight

PS- To all the guys in Forks: No I won't submit to a paternity test. You can just raise the kid. See ya.

The Return of Dr Hunter S. Twilight!

Most people usually would ask what exactly I am returning from. Who cares? As far as I know Forks WA could be the upper reaches of hell. I hear that the women fight like an Israeli special forces brigade out there. Good thing I was second in looks to Shane Jennings, so I did not upset the fruit basket too far. Speaking of fruits though, spending a summer having everybody thinking you are a possibly gay vampire has its benefits. To begin with paying for food is something I virtually forgot how to do. It was all cash, if that. A simple trip to the store could turn into a paying gig. And the whole time this little jackass Lando was following me around with a camera, waiting until a real knockout babe came along so he could crop me out of the photo. Actually I might be getting ahead of myself...And where the HELL is Forks WA? AND WHY GO?!!

The long and the short of it is, a teen vampire romance movie came out, based on a book series, a guy in it looks a lot like me, people think I am him. So life gets weird. And in response I got even more weird than I already was. People start to hide when I come around. They know if I start talking I won't shut up. but not at the start. It took awhile to decide if I wanted to jump in. On principle I hated it. This movie is big with teens. Disgusting. I can't even walk through a grocery aisle without becoming enraged at the bad tabloid $torie$. Nothing of any intere$t. $peculation over the demi$e of hollywood mariage$. $poiler: They were BOTH having affair$! This Twilight had to be the worst. I bough the first book and started reading at the DMV while getting a new licence. It was "interesting."

Imagine me reading these books. The Twilight books. Bosoms heaving. Very little violence. Vivid descriptions of emotions. Disturbing. Curled up in a Japanese robe, wearing a do-rag. Cursing at the editor for missing details. Throwing the books.  But when reading is done, writing begins. Poems, stories, songs. It is like digging for material in a vein so rich that the real choice is what not to use. In fact the parodies are so stale that a simple record of events will suffice.

Like the silver star on the chest of a lawman, the truth is shining. The smelly socks. The sound of your 80 year old Chinese landlord getting his lawnmower from the hall. he does not know you live in your store. He will not find out. He will not rouse me from my slumber. But these are visions of the past. They are creatures of the dark corners. They shall stay behind. New adventure awaits. The winding road. Companions. The south. Hurricane season. I am bound for Baton Rouge, I will take no prisoners!
                                              Sincerely, Dr. Hunter S. Twilight

Response to Tim Kunkel PHD

I received the following letter the other day. Not having the chance to open it due to the large pile of voting pamphlets and phonebooks, I found it last night it reads as follows:

Greetings. My name is Tim Kunkel, PHD. I have found you to be quite an interesting person. It may surprise you hearing this, but don't worry. Our secret is safe. I bet you want to know how I met you? Ah, a "normal" response. You see I have been active in the online community known as "facebook" for at least 6-8 months. In doing so I have created several persona's with which I network. You friended, my persona "Czech Fraud" in July. I presented myself as a broken hearted man who had his heart destroyed by a mail-order bride from the Czech Republic. And you bought it. There are things about our friendship which I appreciate. First that you sent me $529 for a plane ticket to Prague so I could collect my things from our place. Second, thanks for taking the time to answer personal questions about yourself. When I said that you were important to me I meant it. Of course we always used to jest a lot. I am sure it was meant as a "pick me up" for "Czech Fraud." on the other hand I found you touchy when I called you at 3 last Thursday night. Do you hate me?
                                                                Best Regards, Tim Kunkel, PHD

Dear Tim. I find this whole affair a bit confusing. Who are you? Can you please send back the money? I thought I was helping out an old bro! Are you insane? Are you really a doctor? Help me, I have a lot of questions! I hate you Dr Tim Kunkel, you are tearing me apart! You make me mistrust the goodness of humanity! Never again will I believe the internet! My dreams are crushed. You are a terrible person!
                                                                Best Regards, Ian "Buzzsaw" Barnes

Note: I just mailed the letter today. And I  feel downright terrible! To be defrauded, on the internet of all places!

Shaking the nuts out of the family tree...

I intended to write about all the crazy people in my family. The realization that the topic was boring was enough to stop me. So I decided to go with the flow. The first topic I would like to address is a bad analogy that has been kicking around for too long. I am sure you have often heard things being compared with onions. "You never really know with ______, it is like an onion. You think you know what is going on, but then you discover another layer."

It seems that when this person cuts up an onion the fact that it is an onion all the way through is a surprise. You are probably smart enough to realize, that onions do not have seeds or pits, and thus are made entirely out of onion. So when an otherwise competent person is "surprised" to find another layer of onion, I find it seem incredible. It is only likely if you have never cut open an onion. If this were case the whole thing might be amazing. Almost everything is at least mildly interesting for a little while! I would personally think the fact that the onion can make you cry is more stupefying than the ever smaller layers of onion. I think the old cannibal saying is better, "onions are like people, they can make you cry, but they taste great chopped up in a stew." Another better analogy is this. "________ is like the layers of the earth. Just when you think you are digging through basalt, all of a sudden you see some schist!" At least with the soil, you actually do not know what is down there, unlike an onion. All you will ever find inside a layer of onion, is a smaller onion. Nothing more. Sorry to ruin this saying. It had to be done.

Speaking of onions, I was once nearly killed by an Elephant Garlic. Though it is actually different, it is similar enough to warrant the telling of the tale. It was in 2006. I was working at the Fall City Farm, in Fall City WA. I was in love, the world was beautiful. On this particular day I was on duty to harvest elephant garlic with Mel "People Skills" Parker, and our boss Rob. Mel got the nickname "People Skills" not because he had great people skills, but that is another story.

We were out in the west field, about a quarter mile from the farmhouse and barn. We were 75 yards through a belt of trees and brambles to the banks of the Snoqualmie river. Of course since we were here for work it was better to focus on the job at hand instead of the cool river. Why torture yourself?

Essentially what "People Skills" and I were doing was following behind the tractor and pulling up the bulbs after he cut them. This was done by a blade that was attached to the back of the tractor. It would sink down beneath the bulbs and loosen them to be pulled. We had to follow closely because sometimes we had to add weight to the cutting blade by standing on it. I am sure this practice is not suggested, but with certain soil you have to do what it takes. For those that don't know by the way, elephant garlic are large and have long stems. It is actually not a true garlic, but is actually in the leek genus, though that is not a key element of the story.

"People Skills" and I had picked about half the bulbs we needed when the unexpected happened. "People Skills" tried to pull up one of the plants, but it stuck in the ground for just a moment. This created enough tension that when it broke loose it swung right around and hit me in the eye. During the split second where I was staggering blind, Rob decided to back up the tractor. I actually heard the sound of the gear shift before I could tell what was going on. I jumped out of the way in the nick of time. Rob was not watching for garlic blinded farmhands, and I was just trying to see. It took a few minutes to get back to work, I am not really sure Rob ever knew what really went on. But we did finish the job.

I ended up surviving obviously, I don't even think I got a black eye. You might have come up with a moral of the story. I have not. Unless it is to avoid close relationships with someone who earned the nickname "People Skills!"

Heartwarming Poem

Twilight is easy to make fun of, at the same time, there are times where the fans do something so cute that I don't even have the heart to critique Stephanie Meyer (which I LOVE). Here is a poem I made from a posting the day I realized that maybe Twilight was not so terrible after all. It is called:

 

Confident

 

Hey

Just watched

Twilight

at the thetre

 

And i cried

everytime

bella was

in trouble

So

 

Just wanted to say

Rob

You are

One of a kind man

 

And your

the greatest man

ive ever

laid eyes on

 

And you and bella

are the greatest

people in the

world

 

Because of bella

i can be

confident

in my school

 

so

thank you

 

 

Poem time!

I found this little beauty somewhere. Either that or I was inspired by the fandom to write something in honor of them. Or I could secretly be in love with R-Patz...You decide. This one is called:

I (gasp) Love Rob

Swoon

I respect

Rob's

Swoon, Swoon

 talent,

Swoon

bone structure,

Swooooon, swoon, swoon

 and complexion.

Swooooooon

It would

Swoon,

be amazing

Swoooon

to

swoon

be

swoon

so

swoon

beautiful!

swoon

robert....

swoon

ur too hot!!

Swoon swoon swoon

Swooooooooooon

Swoon swoon

Swoooooon

swoooooooooooooooon

Note: I believe I just added some of the "swoons" but I wrote it almost a year ago. Anyway, it is my gift to you. If you would like to recite it to a friend, feel free. Love, Buzzsaw.