Ah, crisp fall days, robust smells of pumpkin spice, neat crisp bundle of papers from a class action lawsuit against me...What could be better? As far as I am concerned not much. It seems that when the good Dr. Hunter S. Twilight decided to have a bit of fun with Forks WA, he might have gone too far! Nobody cared when he was ranting about how everyone should "hide their women and money" in fact I believe everyone did that. I guess where he went over the line was when he suggested that he might write some phone numbers in a gay bar. It turns out that the action according to some local Forkers, "is gay." So as his attorney I advised him to write an apology. It reads as follows:
Dear Forks. I am sorry that I considered taking action against the minority of morons who give your town a bad name. Apparently if you are not from Forks you have to sit and take it, never acting in retribution. I did not receive this memo. In fact I have been at the store purchasing a new AR-15. It has a lovely feel to it. Ah, the topic at hand. I understand how the local Forkers take pride in their town. There are certainly some things to take pride in. One thing Forks is famous for is raising money to support people in the community who are in need. It is known all around the county. I have heard that the Forks Lions club raises more money than any Lions club in the world. I do not believe it for a second. I do believe that they raise a lot of money though. That said, I like the kids of Forks too. I was impressed by some young guys on my last day in town in fact. I was walking to my shop and three kids in a pick-up truck all flipped the middle finger at the same time. It was like watching an aerial show at a Russian circus. So perfectly timed. It blew me away because I was waiting all summer for something new, and on my last day it happened! So I won't write their names in a gay bar. Does this count as enough pro Forks jargon? Can I stop now? Oh, I almost forgot, I like the fact that their is no fast food chain in Forks, except the Subway at the gas station. Fine, I did it. Do you still hate me? Good because I don't care. Forks has "adult videos" in the public library. Didn't know that? No it is not pornography, it is simply that someone did not realize that you don't call regular videos, adult videos, even if you have a section for kids videos. ADULT VIDEOS???!!!!??? Forks, I am now making fun of you! Why? Because I would rather die than live in a world where I cannot make fun of a library that calls "Fried Green Tomato's" an "ADULT VIDEO." Go ahead and visit the Forks library, you can see for yourself! Does the fact that I am making fun of this indicate that I hate your town? No, I just hate a world that takes itself too seriously. There is a thing called a roast. During a roast a bunch of people that like someone get together and make fun of that person. It is an honor. Forks, please be happy that I am roasting you. It means you are something of note. So here is to you Forks! I hope you do sue me, it will make me completely and utterly notorious! It will possibly get me a lot of good media hype. Also I have no money so I don't know what you are going to get! By the way, you may hate me, but I know for a fact that I have some lifelong friends out there. I also don't think that the Mexicans hate me. Since they make up one third of the town are you going to sue them for making fun of rednecks? Come on Forks, get a sense of humor! Best regards, Dr Hunter S Twilight
PS- I was just about to start making fun of Twilighters and I get sued by Forks! Talk about a rough one. I was certain that the Forkers would laugh like hell when I told them about the three ladies who were conducting a twilight puppet show in an outhouse in La Push, and how they tried to lock the door from the inside when they saw me, but alas, your funny bone is obviously not working. Too damn bad. Also, if anyone from Forks wants to make fun of Bellevue WA, have at it. I will join you. Again, my apologies for being honest. HST.
So there it is. I am not sure if it is an apology at all, but it is better than nothing I hope. Anyway, I am sure the good Dr is thankful for all the free beer and food he was given in Forks. Also he told me he was glad that he did not gain any new STD's. I thought that was rude and uncalled for, since he is socially inept and the women hate him. So there you have it, for what it's worth, I tried. At least I can say that I tried! Buzzsaw