No clowning around!

Dear friends, I am writing an appeal today in an attempt to unite you in a cause which I hope you will deem important enough to champion. Everyday we all face perils of many types, both sinister and deadly. Some will threaten your health, some your mental stability. The issue I am going to tackle today may well affect both! In an attempt to bring up not only dangerous threats to your well being, I am going to also offer solutions which I hope you will see fit to support.

The deadly peril I am speaking about is clowns! Yes, the “harmless” clown. The one that scared your son Billy so bad at his 11^th birthday that he lost control of his urinary tract. The clown that showed up drunk to your company party. The painted freak who beckons you to come and sup with him at McDonalds. Any one of these would be considered a menace if they were not accepted by society as “entertaining and “fun.” But what do we gain by teaching our kids that it is ok to twist up animals like balloons? Why is it written off as a “gag” to squirt your friend with seltzer? In my humble opinion, these are mean spiteful things and vastly different from the brotherly love we should be teaching.

For many years I have studied the subject of clowns and I have not balked in asking people the tough questions. “What do you think of clowns?” This is most often followed by an uncomfortable silence. Then the levee breaks. “They terrify me” one young girl responded. “I have been subject to post traumatic stress syndrome. Uncontrollable fits of depression and weeping” a muscled mechanic said, as a tear welled up in his deep hazel eyes. I handed him a handkerchief, and nodded sympathetically.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. In my studies on the subject I found that there are four distinct groups when it comes to opinions on clowns. The first and possibly the largest group is which hates/fears clowns. Fortunately I found this group quite eager to discuss the subject. There were days when my work more resembled group therapy than journalism. Thankfully I am a man who is not afraid to encourage those who are hurting, so these sessions were often quite fruitful.

Clowns have been scaring children for generations. In Brazil they roam the Carnival with hard rubber balls. Never hesitating to kick them at slow children, chasing them down alleys with garish faces. In this country they are ever present. With “goofy” voices “playing games” carnivals and company picnics. Of the 16,000 plus people I interviewed over 10,000 said they fit in this category.

“I hate them” said April Drury of San Diego CA. “Ever since I was a young girl I remember being terrified by a decorative plate at my grandmother’s house. She kept it in the room I stayed in. At night the lights from the street would illumine the face, so all I could see was it’s wicked grin. The worst part was that it played ‘Here come The Clowns.”  I think it was broken because it would suddenly go off when I was sleeping. Of course I never slept much when I stayed there.”

Mike Compton of Redmond WA had a different take. “I don’t know why, but I just hate them. They are worse than mimes because they talk. At least a mime just has a little horn. Clowns talk and have horns. The hair disgusts me. And I despise the implications of the giant shoes. It’s like they are trying to convince you to go and have creepy clown sex by insinuating that they have massive genitalia.”

The more I spoke with these people, the more I felt myself agreeing. I couldn’t help it. Crying widows. Shuddering linebackers. Kids, distraught over a ruined birthday party. These are things which tug at the heart strings, no matter how cynical you are. But there are others, and I must let them speak.

The second largest group I found on my quest was the totally indifferent. These are the people who are not scared of or hateful towards clowns, but instead don’t care about them at all. “If I never saw a clown again I wouldn’t miss it.” Bragged Donald Sutherland, actor. “A good clown is like a Sasquatch, nice to talk about around a campfire, but impossible to find. The rest can go to hell as far as I’m concerned.” Others I questioned were of similar opinions.

“What purpose do they serve?” asked Laura Diles, of mid-west Georgia “It seems like all they do is waste whipped cream, drive tiny impractical cars in unsafe ways, and take up time when I could be doing other things. They are fine, but I really can’t tell you of an experience I have had with a clown which makes me want to see more clowns.” By this time, I could not have agreed more.

This group, of the unsympathetic, consisted of about 4,500 people. It left a small minority who were clown supporting free speech loving fanatics. Most of them ended up actually being clowns.

I guess it is no surprise. Still it happened so rarely that I would find someone who was an ardent supporter of clowns, that I would follow up with this. “Are you a clown?” only three times did I receive a negative response. In these cases they were children or siblings of clowns. So I decided to call up some clowns and ask them what they thought.

“When I am doing a party and I see that a kid is getting scared, I back off.” Said Goofy Dave of Keokuk IL. When I asked him how often it happened he vaguely responded “There’s one in every crowd.” Well Goofy Dave, in my limited studies I found that there were in fact more than “one” in every crowd. It seemed like the more I asked, the more people were wondering why there even clowns at all. By the end of my research, I was asking the same question myself. So what is to be done about it you ask? I have a solution which I think will be beneficial to all concerned, and I truly believe should be implemented.

Simply stated, clown reservations. We designate an area for clown performance, and on that area the clowns can clown to their hearts content. If the happen to stray in costume from the area they would face stiff penalties and possible prison time. I know it sounds harsh, but we have an epidemic on our hands, and I feel that this is a reasonable solution to our problem.

First of all, those who love clowns, no matter how few there are, will be able to enjoy the show without troublesome interruptions. No crying children. No gunfire. The clowns would not have to “back off” because everyone in attendance would be an ardent fan, and probably a clown. It would be a sort of utopia for clowning, and they could even have clown based stores and restaurants, no matter how frightening the idea may seem to you.

Of course, there would be checkpoints to ensure that none of the clown paraphernalia would leave the reservation, this is a given. Other than that, they could have the time of their lives. In my humble opinion, it seems like a fair and prudent solution to a costly problem. You see millions of dollars a year are spent on therapy from clown induced psychological issues and it seems prudent to snuff that out at the root. “I wish I could tell you the problems are going away” stated Dr. Tim Kunkel “Sadly with the internet it seems to be getting worse. There is even a clown centric group of cyberbullies who have been responsible for 7 of my last 20 patients. It is really disheartening.” Of course he is making money from this so I would almost discount his testimony if not for his passion. You see his son Jimmy was driven insane by a clown named Bowzer the Great, and to this day is housed in Bellevue Mental institute. These are the reasons for my passion.

So friends, I urge you, think long and hard about clowns and the clown reservation. It may be time to lobby you congressman. Call your city council, or start a neighborhood watch group. Please, it is America, and you are the ones who can affect change in your society. It is a good cause. Please, don’t let Jimmy Kunkel suffer in vain. Send the clowns to the rez! Lovingly, Buzzsaw

Note: I have not made any mention to juggalo's as that is a topic so vast and varied that it is deserving of it's own BS. I hope you can forgive me of taking this liberty.