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Friday, April 1, 2011

Summit Entertainment: Twihards Beware, Or Be Sued!

Fans of the Twilight series were given something to cheer about yesterday when a slew of unreleased still photo's from the latest movie in the series found their way into cyberspace. Some thought it must have been the work of rabid fan while most believed that it was a marketing ploy by the social retards at Summit Entertainment. The pictures which depicted among other things Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black, the series main fake native American) staring deeply into the eyes of Mackenzie Foy, his 11 year old love interest. A beautiful picture to be sure, but it seemed to ruffle the feathers of some of the folks at Summit. Over the course of the day they made press releases, which to their credit, showed some level of maturity by the end of the day. The first one went as follows:

From Summit Entertainment, LLC: The pictures that are being posted are LEGAL property of Summit Entertainment. They are not to be posted without prior permission, and as that permission has not been granted, we are demanding that they be removed. If the fans of The Twilight Saga want to ruin what we have worked so hard to create, we have no further choice but to sue. If our legal team finds evidence that these pictures have been posted we will take action. It seems that a lot of you bitches think we are blowing smoke up your ass, but rest assured we are not. To wit, in the past 24 hours we have sued 26 people, including 6 under the age of 18 and some old bitch who claims to "have cancer" whatever the hell that means. So if you don't want to feel the wrath, you better pull those pictures off and grovel at our feet. We are after all SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT! WE MAKE HIT MOVIES! WE HAVE WON OSCARS! YOU ARE SWINE AND VERMIN! BOW TO ME! Sincerely, Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment


Obviously this is sort of an "intense" way to tell the fans to back off, but like I said, Summit has never been known to have a lot of tact. In fact, coming from a company that often refers to it's Native American actors as "red injuns" in memos, I think Mr Friedman did alright. Of course, after the letter was sent to the ACLU and several other organizations, Summit started changing it's tune, not drastically, but enough. Here is the second press release:

To Whom it May Concern: Twilight fans, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you just jealous? That's right jealous. Just because I eat lunch with Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner ON A REGULAR BASIS, does not give you the right to be such a bunch of ho's! The ACLU? Seriously? You think they are going to save you when you have STOLEN from us?! We will have to see about that! Again, if you post, email, or comment on any of the STOLEN pictures from the next BLOCKBUSTER HIT that Summit Entertainment is producing, I will find you, I will make you pay in ways you never previously imagined (even that sick bitch Stephenie Meyer could not imagine what I will do to you!)! In fact, after I sue your ass I am going to punish you in ways that make the KGB look like baby kittens! EVER HEARD OF WATER BOARDING???!!!!! Sincerely Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment

Well despite the claims of lawsuits etc. it was only a matter of time before they were found out. An email was found that proves that Summit did in fact leak the pictures, here it is:

Hey Jim, you better get those damn stills online ASAP! I am worried that this damn movie is going top be a major bust unless you get something out there to stir up these sheep! A little sex would be nice! ;) Hey, and when you are posting them make sure you do it under a fake account this time, nobody is going to believe for a second that Jimthesportsnut is getting Breaking Dawn stills, make up some kind of chick name, like Robspetcougar or some bullshit. Then LEAK THE DAMN STILLS! This movie is totally bullshit and you know it, if they find out that NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENS we are going to be up shit creek with a turd for a paddle! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR OR I WILL HAVE YOUR JOB! Thanks buddy, Rob F.

Of course after this was released (probably by one of the twiteen hackers), they had to sing a different tune, slightly. Here is the final press release:

OK Twihards, you had your little fun. I guess if you want to ruin the movie for yourselves it is fine by me. Just let it be known, we are Summit Entertainment, and we don't need you. In our opinion you are like parasites and if you won't go away, sure we will feed you some crumbs from the table of our KINGLY BANQUET! But seriously, get a life, we know Rob Patterson personally, AND YOU DON'T! Best regards Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment

I don't know what all this means, but I am sure it will not be reflected in box office numbers when Breaking Dawn is released. As for Summit, I have built an alter and a shrine to them, the greatest film production company in the history of the world!

16 comments:

  1. "we know Rob Patterson" ....that was good Ian. and props to RPC ha!

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  3. This is ROCK SOLID reporting Buzzsaw!

    MC

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  4. WOW, funny i didnt know abt summit BEFORE twilight and it will be crap after... so who watched bandslam and push? anyone

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  5. I've never read this blog, and have never heard of you before today but believe me when I say...well...I think I love you.

    Your acerbic wit and sarcasm get me hot.

    Thanks for writing.

    Kiya x

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  6. hehe. *closes eyes to the wall still being flooded by certain pics* it wasn't me. honest. Great article ian. hehe ;)

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  7. Nice BS as in (Bullsht) report that u wrote... I'll post the real report if you'd like lol I just read it.. That was quit sarcastic n funny report though :) lol

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  8. They did not use the bitch an ho word.. those were your words.. cynical much..lol mad at all women much lol

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  9. LOL! Love it. Specially, the first press release from Summit.

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  10. HAHAHAHAHAHA...OMG...I love it. The sad part is, this is probably what they REALLY wanted to say....just too afraid too. This is great Ian. Wonderful job

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  11. I love when I am so busy and write so fast I forget what I wrote. And just so you know, yes I am commenting on my own blog to say how funny it is. Because I have a huge ego! Actually, the fact is that I write it as if I were a character, then since I am not, I am always surprised what the character says. Rob Friedman rocks!

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  12. Admitting to you flaws is the first step lol

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  13. I want to thank you Ian for putting my name in your blog. I feel honored. lol And this was a really good read! ;)

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  14. you continue to make me laugh out loud. can't wait until we catch up again

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