Below are five of the bad things which you might not think about if you are laying around dreaming about being a Robert Pattinson look-alike. Sure there is a lot of glory, and a lot of guys who own chain saw stores and want to make a rubber mask with your face on it. But there are also the moments where a frothing hillbilly steals your novelty Forks Spartans foam hand and shoves his genitals in it to prove that you are gay...if you find this interesting, trust me, this is the very much abridged version of my life in the past two years, and the book I am writing will be much more detailed. Love Buzzsaw PS-I am not complaining, simply exposing things you might find surprising!
5) Unsolicited advice.
I have tried unsuccessfully to carefully craft an opening sentence which explains exactly why I have grown to hate hearing the phrase “Do you know what you should do?” With allegory and metaphor, mixed metaphor and simile, I even tried obscenity (admittedly I liked it and might try it again). Sadly I was left with the painful truth. People think that they have a lot more good ideas than they actually do. Over the course of the last two years I have been subjected to ideas ranging from completely humiliating to downright illegal as hell. In less than 10 cases I have heard good ideas, in less than three of these the idea has actually been achievable (if I had the money it would take just to implement some, I would be retired anyway). Instead I labor away, just waiting for the next person with the brilliant idea of me turning into a gigolo. It should happen in around 11 minutes.
It seems that the less original the idea (gigolo) the more original people think it must be. Never mind the fact that prostitution is known as “the oldest profession” people seem to think it is brilliant. I wonder how brilliant they would think their daughter was if she told them that she had found a way to make $50 and it involved nothing more than “layin’ back and pretendin’ to like it!” Or perhaps they might encourage their son to dress as Batman and panhandle on Hollywood Blvd in front of Mann’s Chinese theater? Surely the same person would also think it is a brilliant idea to evade taxes as well! Of course all of these ideas have been pitched to me, and the only one I haven’t heard multiple times is the tax evasion. Actually that was a Canadian man who was super excited about the possibilities and thought I was a genius, though he REALLY encouraged me never to pay taxes. Wonder how much universal health care he would get if all the Robert Pattinson look-alikes in Canada suddenly stopped paying taxes…
4) The most famous character Robert Pattinson plays is pretty much a transvestite
Though women and girls (and probably gay men) love Edward, most everyone else thinks he is (read: OBVIOUSLY) probably gay. The only reason someone actually might think Edward Cullen is straight is that the author tries so hard to convince you. Even Robert Pattinson said “they made me look like a transvestite as Edward” which is clear to anyone who saw any of the Twilight Saga. I am sure there are worse things to have people think you look like than a transvestite vampire who never bites anything, but I can’t think of any.
Trouble because of this can manifest itself in many ways. From the obnoxious people who ask me things like why I am “trying to be Edward” (and blatantly ignoring the fact that I just told them my website was www.mynameisnotedward.com), to the hillbilly loggers shouting “faggot” from their clearly compensational trucks. There is of course a lot of ground in between, but looking like Edward Cullen is a world away from looking like say, Indiana Jones. Given the choice between the two, I would bet that most straight men would choose to look like Dr Jones if they had the choice.
3) People assume that you make a shit-ton of money
It seems that given this logic that someone who looks like Bill Gates will also be a billionaire, which is where this little misconception breaks down. Considering the fact that even the actual real Robert Pattinson was broke as hell before accidentally making a blockbuster movie, I would hope that people could understand the difficulty in turning a strange coincidence into mountains of cash. Add to that the difficulty in using said coincidence in ways which are not completely degrading or career killing and you have a recipe for a strange career path which sometimes pays well and sometimes doesn’t.
The real problem with it is that when I am walking around in public people will often approach me to ask if they can take a picture with me. So here is the problem, if I ask for money, to me it seems low class and possibly creepy. If I say that I don’t want to take a picture I run the risk of some idiot thinking I am being a jerk and defaming me on the internet. So I have found that the best solution is to act classy and pose for pictures with people, hoping that I can connect with them online, and perhaps when I write my book they will want to buy it (of course it would most likely be to see if they made the cut. Hint: they didn’t).
The misconception that I was making a ton of money was really bad in Forks. Because in Forks if you are making money and girls like you, it means you are a faggot who wants to steal from the town. It is something which can get you beat up (or in my case nearly beat up). Luckily I am too cunning and tough for that to stop me. And luckier still I have friends who ride Harley’s and are named “Fuzzy” (actually just one, but that is enough). So in closing, I have yet to make a big payday, and like any good American, I believe that it is just over the next hill.
2) Women assume that you have a billion “girlfriends”
If you are shy, I would highly recommend looking like a celebrity. It can make meeting girls really easy. On the downside it will probably be your buddy who actually scores. I believe that this is because a lot of women will naturally assume that you are unattainable so they will go for your “easy to seduce” friend. Now, before I get responses from women claiming it is not true, I must insist that I have checked with quite a few women who indeed told me it was. So really not only does it mean that you might not end up with the girl, but that you will be squeezed and screamed at, and still go home alone. Luckily that can only go on for so long before someone accidentally gets jealous of a chance encounter with a hot Canadian (female) prison guard and true feelings come out, but I digress…
1) Most people who aren’t clowns do not make children cry, but I do (without doing anything)
Have you ever been sitting out in front of a store and suddenly hear a small child burst into tears? Of course you might have, but was it because the kid saw you and thought you were a vampire? Trust me; it is something that you don’t get used to. One of the most depressing aspects of this problem is that I would have been one of those children. I have always been easily scared, so I feel even worse about scaring the hell out of babies. I have no desire to cause people psychological problems, and it is honestly a tough load to shoulder. I already envision a life of psychotherapy and men in white suites, but the extra burden of being a baby scaring freak is too much. Trust me, it is a downer when a smiling baby bursts into tears and starts screaming.