Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Summit Entertainment: Are they a bunch of bastards??!!!
From my perspective this is what I know about Summit. They started out as a distributor of US films to foreign markets. Apparently they found this boring and not lucrative enough, so they started moving towards production, and in the late 90's began turning out films so terrible, that I can't even remember the names of any of them with the exception of "Sex Drive" which shows a lot more about what a complete perv I am than the quality of the film. Essentially, Summit never had a hit until the movie Twilight was produced, a film so under produced that they had to hire a Tom Cruise look-alike (Peter Facinelli) not to mention rounding out the rest of the cast with random folks most people had never heard of, with the exception of Shark Boy, whose real name I can't remember. Anyway, the movie was made on the cheap, and it is fairly obvious from the production values. Not that I blame them, they probably didn't have any money. Well the film was a hit. A major hit. In all likelihood my readers have seen it. Amazingly enough I have seen it.
Well after the success of Twilight, I think it went to their heads. They started selling merchandise an licensing to random and assorted vendors with little regard as to where they were placing their lead actors faces. From what I can tell they didn't even tell the actors much, which in my opinion would be courteous. "Hey Pattinson, your mug is gonna be on a crown at Burger King!" To me a text message would seem nice. But really I don't think this makes them bastards, it might be normal. It is something of a bastard grey area. When they really became bastards in my opinion was after they swept the Oscars with The Hurt Locker, probably the best movie they have made to date. After that, they really got an ego. Two hits (Twilight and Twilight: New Moon) and multiple Academy Awards. Big time. Still I didn't know that they were truly bastards until I saw Eclipse.
What made me hate Summit when I saw Eclipse was the treatment of Seattle. It is my hometown, so maybe that is why I am mad, but I would like to think I would want to see any city that a movie is set in treated fairly. What they did was shameful. To begin with, it would not have been difficult for them to have sent a couple of guys with cameras down so they could use parts of Vancouver (they filmed there because Washington state is run stupid and taxes films so much that nobody shoots here, which is nice) which look like Seattle. Instead, they just used a bunch of random shit. They should have at least filmed on a hill to make it look real. But that is not the worst. There were a couple of sweeping city shots, used to give the scenes a "sense of place" and they were a complete failure. Instead of using real film footage, which they could have bought from Frazier or Sleepless in Seattle, they went CGI. It was not good. It looked like a piece of crap, made by the hands of a bastard. A steamy little basturd cake. NOT Good. Seattle is a very recognizable city, with its unique skyline and the mountains across the Puget Sound, instead we get something only a true bastard would love. Aahhh, it feels good to say it.
Now I have heard tell of some of the Summit employees being nice and some being total bastards, but really, who can you trust? I would like to say it is better to trust your own personal experience. So I went out of my way to determine if they really were bastards. First I went to the Eclipse premiere. I was summarily attacked by twihards who thought I was either Rob Pattinson's long lost brother, or the best damn look-alike they had ever seen. Turns out it was him that was the look alike since he is so much younger, anyway, I saw some bastardly stuff, and some not. I was lucky enough to find some sweet girls who were willing to give me a wristband into the bleachers to watch the red carpet arrivals, the people letting us in were bastards. They yelled at everyone, acting as if they were working as prison guards instead of letting well behaved women and girls (and a few guylighters) into the audience. I was not impressed. I would have like to rough some of the bastards up, but I was afraid of getting over powered and barred from the event. Once inside however I found the staff to be mostly nice, they even had promotional drinks, because the stands were hotter than a bastard. Anyway, I came away thinking it was a draw. The actors and actresses had been cool, but the others were kind of bastards. I still had more research to do.
My next jaunt was to Baton Rouge to see what I could see as they started filming Breaking Dawn the final two part movie in the Twilight Saga. What pissed me off was that the bastards said they were going to be filming but they weren't, which made me think they were bastards. On the other hand, they didn't owe me anything, and maybe I was pissed because they didn't hire me to be Rob's double, the bastards. Anyway, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, and called it null, since they weren't filming. But still I wasn't satisfied, by now I was convinced that they MUST be bastards, but there was a lingering doubt. Next stop Vancouver.
Being in Seattle, I saw that they were filming in Vancouver, so I made the trek. I almost missed any action because they canceled a shoot due to a tsunami warning, and I think it was wise, though nothing happened. But on March 14, I located a film shoot and went to check it out. I was standing on the sidewalk of the building adjacent to the Orpheum Theater, when I finally confirmed the worst, they are probably bastards. There were probably 20 people max standing talking amongst ourselves on the sidewalk, trying to see if anyone would come in or go out of the building, when a lanky looking nerd of some sort of black curly haired, olive skinned origin came over. Like a slimy little bastard he addressed the group, as he was obviously not man enough to speak to anyone individually. "Your not going to see anything. You can wait all day, but your not going to see anything" It was something the annoying bully at school would tell the nice kid waiting in line at the zoo to see the baby panda. He was acting as if this group of women and girls was going to attack, or worse yet, take a picture and sell it to a magazine, which would actually promote the movie!
Anyway, he was and is a bastard, I got some good video footage of him, and even some up the nose shots. With my HD camera I caught every pore on his bastardly face. What's more, he had a Louisiana State University beanie on, so I assumed he was with the crew down in Baton Rouge, so it goes to show that they were probably bastards there too. Along with the lame and lanky beanie man, was a beard and someone so forgettable I forgot them. They too were bastards. It seems to me, that the least they could do would be to engage these loyal fans in some friendly banter, saying things like "Yeah the movie is going to be awesome, are you going to the premiere?" which anyone who is not a true bastard would realize would make them all the more eager to watch the movie. The fans might have even told there friends how cool the people at Summit were. They were out there acting like bastards to the point that I was beginning to wonder if they were not getting paid. Hah! Bastards.
In conclusion, I would like to say this, it seems to some degree that Summit is in fact a bunch of typical bastards. On the other hand I am drawing from a few isolated incidents. I would be remiss to label the entire entity bastards without further evidence. That is where my readers come in. I am sure that between the three of you there might be some sort of notion as to the bastardization of Summit Entertainment. So please use the comment thread to share your stories, so we can really get to the bottom of this irksome question. Thank you kindly for your support, Buzzsaw, who is in fact a definite bastard.
Note: In the summer of 2010 I lived in Forks Washington and had the good fortune to fall in with the local Harley guys. Through that association I met some riders from eastern Washington, one of whom was a military explosives detonation expert, who had served at least two tours in Iraq and was headed back again, a real cowboy. Since I had enjoyed The Hurt Locker, I asked him (being an expert) if it was realistic. He laughed whole heartedly and said it was awful. So, on account of this expert witness I would have to conclude that it is more evidence that Summit Entertainment are at least bastards, and possibly rat bastards. Who would make a movie that mocks our soldiers who are risking their lives to serve their country? Only a mother bitch bastard. Yep, I think those bastards are bastards!