I always dreamed of this!

In my job hunt I have tried to be honest with myself and only check out the jobs that I am qualified for and/or those that would provide an ego boost. Mostly the latter. So of course I started checking out the music ads. While I was doing so I stumbled upon the following. And trust me it sounds really promising. Here you go:

Big Time Singer Search (West Coast / World Wide)

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We have the real deal connections to make a hit! We are auditioning powerful vocalists! We have a fabulous studio and all we need is an open minded singer" who can take direction". We like Shinedown/3 Days Grace/Breaking Benjamin/etc and the new genera of guitar singer heavy rock that can rip your face off!. Vocalist should have some experience on stage and in the studio. We have 2 songs Ideas we are forming massive potential. I am a guitar player/keybordist/Recordist, and my partner is a Drummer/Producer/ Arranger, and entrepreneur. This is a real call to the image conscious. "Your Mic's Await"
OK, I must admit that when I saw that it was a big time singer search I felt a little intimidated. This is not some local folk music group that will be performing at the public library. This thing is part of the entertainment machine! And imagine the fear factor that happens when entering a talent search which is WEST COAST & WORLDWIDE! But I gathered my strength, looked back at my international musical adventures, took a deep breath, and jumped in with both feet!

 

To begin with, if a band has "real deal connections to make a hit", they are not slouches. Not just any band has "connections". In fact a lot of bands struggle for years playing great songs, but simply lack those "real deal connections". Obviously these guys know some bigshots and all they need is that power house singer. Powerful vocalist. Now I know I can sing with power, but I am not sure I have the vocal stamina to perform powerful vocals for an entire 4 hour set (which I assume a connected band would be doing). I am currently gargling saltwater so I will be able to audition properly. And for the next 11 days I will be eating nothing but plain yogurt, humus, and anchovies, three things which I read online are PROVEN to increase both vocal and sexual stamina! A win-win, right? Of course, so is a fabulous studio. Now we are cooking with gas. These guys won't even have to borrow money from a label in order to produce the big hit, so it is only me they are in need of! Of course they are looking for someone who can take direction, they have the connections right? So wouldn't it be fair that the singer would want to do what it takes to make the hit? Of course he would, and so would I.

 

Now to the influences. Shinedown/3 Days of Grace/ and Breaking Benjamin. It doesn't matter that I have never heard of any of these groups. They are obviously huge, it is my problem for not knowing them. But just to make sure I am going to google Breaking Benjamin. I just did it, and yeah the area multi-platinum selling artists, so these guys are no joke. I have to admit that I REALLY like the name Breaking Benjamin, it sounds awesome. The cool thing is that the band has a guy NAMED Benjamin in the the group, which is funny. I also like the fact that they are looking to start a "new genera of guitar singer heavy rock that can rip your face off"! Damn it is so new that they made up a new word, genera! They aren't sticking to tired old genre's at all! It is face ripping and guitar singer heavy! Wow, and talk about that genera. It's funny that it almost sounds like "generic", but at the same time is totally different. 

 

Now of course they want an experienced singer, and with a worldwide/westcoast search they are sure to find one. Unless they are all intimidated and get scared off. Well not this guy, I am going for it. Now the next sentence is key: "We have 2 songs Ideas we are forming massive potential". Now, I am not sure if the two songs are called "Ideas we are forming" and "Massive Potential", but if they are it is GENIUS! "Massive Potential" will make them the Motivational Rockers of the next decade for sure. And to be totally honest I think that MoRock is going to be huge. I bet they could get airplay on Dr Phil's show for sure. And "Ideas We Are Forming" is just an inspiration period. Everyday hundreds of people around the world are forming ideas and it would be awesome to have some music to form them to! 

 

I love how the ad ends, because it introduces the bandmates. One of whom not only is a drummer/keybordist, but is a recordist, meaning he plays the recorder. Now this is cool because Breaking Benjamin do not have a recordist in the band. It is unique. Special. The other mate is awesome too. Because he is a drummer as well as arranger, producer, and entrepreneur. This means he can get the job done with the skins, then he can get you paid! It closes with a call out. They are just baiting the trap with the line about image conscious, because it is for singers, and that is what singers are. Then, they spring the trap by saying "Your mic's are waiting" bam, who could resist it. It is almost like saying, "your groupie is waiting", damn, I am on my way as we speak!

 

Craigslist.org without sounding crazy. On the other hand the website only had 46 hits when I clicked on it, and it has been up at least since July, so I can only surmise that either they are crazy, or they have other sources of income, or a lot of gear purchased on credit, or it is an elaborate hoax, or the are crazy. Buzzsaw signing off, and yes I know I can do better, but craigslist was thin today!

 

http://goldentreerecording.com/

More opportunity all the time, who says the economy sucks?!

I was lurking on craigslist.org again when I found the following ad. I have to say, I was interested. I have not had any real paying jobs for about a week and I need to at least confuse the bill collectors by paying at least some of the bill. It seems to work with my cell phone. Then again, my cell phone only rings some of the time. There could be a correlation. Anyhow, I saw the advertisement headline, Male chest photography, and I was hooked. I am a male and I have a chest, so I have a chance. A damn good chance.

Male Chest Photography (Seattle)

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Date: 2010-10-06, 7:34PM PDTPhotographer here. Amateur. Working on taking better portraiture. Keep your pants on, just remove your shirt. Prefer to take photos of guys in their 20's, athletic, muscular is a plus.
Will provide a modeling fee, plus copies of all photos taken.
I don't do anything with pics, just enjoy taking great pics. I'm for real. It's October 6 and it was actually a nice day in Seattle today.

Once I looked at the ad closely I have to say I was impressed. It starts off great. Photographer here. Just like you called him on the phone. Photographer here. It doesn't keep you guessing. Right out the gates you know what it is about, MCP (male chest photography), and you know that you have a photographer here. Genius. Next thing he says, ameteur. So you know he is not a snob. He is just really working on his chest photography. It is likely that he is one of the 24,767 people that attend the North American Male Chest Photography Exhibition and Trade Show held yearly in Orlando FL. I am working off a hunch, but it just seems that he might fit the demographic. Oh, and it might be a she, but I am going to use he. Just for brevity sake. Back to the ad. I like the fact that you are going to be keeping your pants on during the MCP. You don't even have to think about it. Though since I am already thinking about loopholes (taxes, bills, women, etc) I have to wonder, what about overalls? But to be reasonable, I have to say the pants on had me really convinced that this guy knows his stuff, and by stuff I mean MCP.

Personally, when I got to the age thing, I got a little worried as I mentioned in the last post, I hate to say it, but my 20's are behind me. Also I have to admit that the closest thing to athletics I do is go to an occasional sporting event. I went to a football game tonight, and I watched the end of a baseball game on TV. But I am getting the idea that this guy actually wants someone who might be able to "do sports". In this case I am going to lie, What the hell, I need the work. If I pass that little test, I think I will be happy. He provides a modeling fee. Of course it is undisclosed, but you know, if it works to keep Verizon wireless at bay it works for me. But the kicker is that I get to keep the photos! Because I haven't told anyone my big news, because I was not sure if it was going to happen, but I have just been asked to be a guest speaker at the NAMCP show this year in Orlando! So now I will have some great pictures to accompany my lecture! Back to the ad!

This guy is for real! He is simply doing art for arts sake! He DOESN'T DO ANYTHING WITH THE PICTURES! Thats right, he just wants to work on honing his skills at MCP and nothing, I mean NOTHING is going to stop him! It shows, he struts his stuff a little bit by saying "great pictures". This guy knows he is good, he is just playing it cool. I have to hand it to him, he pulls the whole thing together at the end. He states what we already know, that he is for real, and he ends with a little personality and flair talking about the Seattle weather. There is nothing a Seattleite likes to talk about more than the weather. And to celebrate a beautiful da in October. A perfect day for Male Chest Photography. Salut, Buzzsaw

When opportunity knocks, it often knocks you up!

As I am currently looking/lurking for work I thought I might get on the old standby, craigslist.com and see what I could turn up. I was searching the “gigs” listings, and since I am the talent decided to try the talent section. I found the following ad, and am actually somewhat interested in it. I just wanted to run it by the other 2 people who read my blog and see what they thought! Here it is:

want to photograph white guys with muscular bodies, gym rats, athletes, construction workers, etc.
prefer white or latin men, this will be a NUDE photo shoot.
you will be paid for your time & you will get copies of the pics.
the photos will NOT be sold or distributed anywhere so a release will not be signed or needed.
must be 18 years of age up to 30yrs old. 5'8-6'2, hwp, smoother preferred or light body hair.
please include a minimum of a torso picture, does not have to be nude. will require a face pic before meeting. I like the fact that right up front the writer mentions wanting to photograph “white guys”. To me this seems like an automatic in. At least I fit the criteria. I know for a fact I am white. Lilly white. And for that matter I have been totally convinced that I am a guy for more than half my life! I can tell I am a shoe in for the part. Oh, I had not read the part where it says “gym rats, athletes…” I in no way could claim to be a gym rat or an athlete. I worked out three times in the last 4 months and I hated every minute of it. So there were three minutes in the last four months that I absolutely hated. I know I could qualify as a construction worker since I own an orange safety vest as well as a hard hat, but since (I have now read the ad) that it is a nude shoot, in which case my construction props are a no-go. Darn it! One thing of interest, and too bad I am not a Latin man, is that the Latin men are apparently not required to be gym rats. It seems that any Latin man who is willing to be photographed in the nude is going to work for the “project”. So another darn it. But somehow I still have hope! One perk of the job is that whoever gets it will be paid. I find that nice because I can’t even tell you how much I have had to pay people simply to listen to me tell them about myself being nude, let alone to watch and photograph me! This just keeps getting better! I also like the fact that I do not have to sign anything, these are not for commercial use, they are for a personal collection! I could not be happier, it is almost like getting your art hung at a major museum, except this time I will be in the personal collection of some unknown person! Oh no! I just read the age requirements! Damn! I am 31 so unless I lie about my age I will be completely excluded from participating in this amazing photo opportunity. I need to think of something quick. The only thing I can think of is to take the ad and put it into photoshop and change the age to 31, then when asked I will say that it said 31 and pull out the ad.  I fit the height requirements so that is a go. I don’t know if the next section means smooth body hair or what. But since I have light body hair which is the texture of smooth butter, I think I can get through this hoop! Whew, this job hunting stuff is exhausting! Now I just need a non-nude torso shot, which since I ate at the Forks Coffee shop everyday this summer is not to great! I think I might just send a fake one I find on the internet and also a fake face shot (which is required before meeting, I assume so the author can figure out whose torso he is talking to!). Anyway, wish me luck, I have my fingers crossed. Buzzsaw signing out!

Be afraid, be very afraid!

I decided that since this is a “report” that I should perhaps go out and find different things to “report” on. And since I am waiting around the house for a friend to show up, and I don’t have shoes on, I thought “why not stay with the times and just do it on that internet thingy”, so I did! I wanted to make sure I was using the most begnine  news sources possible, so as not to offend my readers. So I went to USA Today .com and began my research. Before I even got to their page (I clicked lifestyle), I saw a disturbing advertisement. It was a picture of a credit card with Chase Bank logo. The ad said “Romantic dates? Yes! Blackout dates? No!” I sat dumfounded looking at the screen wondering who in their right mind gave the go-ahead to this shocking phrase. I still have no idea why a bank card will keep you from getting roofies slipped into your drink, and perhaps I never will. But it seems strangely sinister for a bank to threaten you with date rape if you do not use their bank card. What about the people who don’t have bank cards? Will they be going on “blackout dates?”, or what about the people who just want to “be friends”. The terrifying implications are endless. So let me tell you personally, if you want to get raped, bank somewhere other than Chase! If you like to remain unraped and without amnesia, turn to Chase!

The bank ad reminds me of an advertisement which was on the side of the bus this summer in Forks. I knew it was a little behind the times, it is of course Forks, but it was certainly horrific. It said “Catch the bus, not H1N1”! What? If I walk I am going to catch H1N1? Huh? It seems to me that a crowded bus is a much more likely place to catch the H1N1 than any other place! And not to be judgmental, but I have ridden the bus, and you know what is on the bus? A LOT OF CRAZY PEOPLE! Yeah that’s right, a lot of winos, junkies, freaks etc all ride the bus. Of course there are others mixed in, but I have spent my time on the bus and you better believe that it’s true! But at the same time it begs the question, why are we still trying to scare people from riding the bus? If you want people to ride the bus you should not bring up strange diseases and flu-strains! Catch the bus not leprosy!

All this advertising reminds me of a short lived campaign for Corn Nuts. It had a simple jingle that said: Bust a nut, bust a nut, bust a nut with corn nuts! Needless to say it lasted about a week until someone figured out that the advertising team was having a laugh at their expense! So that’s all for now, Buzzsaw signing off!

PS-Here is the corn nuts jingle link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS18jHMmhAI

The Future!

Computers will make our brains grow huge, and eventually we will have tiny underdeveloped arms and bodies. I know, how? Because right now my head has grown to the size of a watermelon. Earlier in the day it was the size of a cantaloupe, then I spent 45 minutes to an hour on the online internet. It was fascinating fun, “meeting people” “talking” “learning” etc. In fact I am taking a class on the internet which will help me earn a PHD. I also met a model named Star. We are going to be going on a date after she is done with her swimsuit photo shoot. It is going to be HOT! Anyway, back to my shrinking hands and genitals…I hope that everybody is aware that computers are here to help us. A lot of people get paranoid about them, saying things like “The government is watching me”, but that could not be farther from the truth. The government is watching porn, just like everybody else. So I hope people calm down. One thing I know we should expect is that our views on beauty are going to shift. Just like in the middle ages when the view of beauty was somewhat more full figured than it is today. In the future I am convinced that if you have a hat size below 15 you will not be able to find a date. Especially not with a model like Star. Man you should see her profile pic! It looks like she stepped out of a Sports Illustrated photo shoot! Just plain hot! And not in the “typical” way either. She has an edgy look and a lot of cool tattoos. She even has a barb wire tattoo around her arm! Talk about sexy! Yeah! Oh and I also might have a job where I do nothing except sit around the house and USE THE INTERNET! How sweet is that? And where do you think I found it? Ha! It was right there online. On a little thing called a website! I am so excited for everything the future holds. We have everything to live for and NOTHING to fear! In fact I would say that within the next 3 years you will find that you will never even have to get out of your chair because the internet online will become so AWESOME!  So here’s to the future!

Do you ever feel blue? (warning this one is kind of "different")

I had someone ask me this question the other day. I found it odd, first because it is highly metaphorical, therefore nearly impossible to answer, second because if I never felt "blue" I would consider myself odd. I am fairly comfortable acknowledging the fact that I have problems. I have yet to meet anyone without some kind of mental oddity and misbalance. If I did I would be highly suspicious that it was a cyborg or a wax figure with a speaker hidden cleverly inside. What does it mean to "be blue" anyway? When I am trying to deal with a customer in my (former shop) and someone goes into our restroom and steal the toilet paper, should I get happy? Should I dance a jig? Well maybe, depending on what I was doing when I realized the toilet paper was gone! Personally though I think that one of the best parts of life is the fact that things are out of our control a lot of the times. There are going to be good and terrible things which happen to all of us. And we are going to have feelings which stem from all of our experiences. Before I go any further I will note that the person who asked the question was a highly decorated psychiatrist. He was trying to diagnose me as depressed (my mom, who admittedly has anxiety and other similar issues was WORRIED that I might be!). I will admit, I was none too happy to be subjected to his boring and silly (in my opinion) line of questioning. In fact I feel that you cannot really get to understand what a person is feeling unless you have some kind of understanding of their background and circumstances. If I were to explain the crazy things that have been going on in my life in the last two years he would have had to sit talking to me for 6 days. If I tried to explain my life to him it would have been another 6 and then some. I am fairly introspective so I am very comfortable being unhappy (I am not glad about it, of course). But when I have a hard situation I would rather write songs, or talk to a friend than try to take some kind of pills that "evens out the highs and lows". Not that it does not work for some folks, but I don't live in that kind of extreme. At times I get caught up in working on projects and become very excited, and at times I cannot even sleep.

But one reason I work so hard is because I know as an artist several important things: First, and I am not trying to sound negative, but most people do not support you. It is common for people to say they like what you are doing, but for them to actually buy something is much more rare. I bet a lot of pictures get painted and people walk up to them, say they are nice paintings. Take out there camera's and take a picture, thus saving money. Then they might tell the artist he is a fool for working so hard at it. That said, a lot of bad artists are out there. I am not even sure that what I am writing right now is even useful or artistic at all. Luckily I have little thing called the internet, which is essentially a garbage dump so vast that anything and everything can find its little niche!
Second: In artistic endeavours it is easy to start something and never finish it. The projects I have been working on in the last couple years have been extremely high stakes. So I knew it would take all my concentration. I wanted to make sure that if I did anything at all that I would do it as completely and as perfectly as possible. And of course I failed in some areas and in some succeeded. One thing I am proud of is when people tell me that I have really done my homework. Because I have.
Third: Well when I said several reasons I thought I would figure out a third reason and justify it. Unfortunately I have reached the third reason and failed to develop a third reason. So I will just say that I like to do things as good as possibly can done. I do slack off at times, but I think it is normal to try and relax. When I was leading my band and doing other projects I was working full time, then practicing, writing, leading band practices, setting up shows, and still finding time to grow a garden, draw, etc. If you want to pursue these things you must be willing to sacrifice. Luckily I am thrifty and have always lived in relative comfort (except this last summer living in Forks WA).  And now I don't know where the piece is going and might have to insert a "hilarious dog video" from youtube in order to save it. because we all know that those videos are funny. Or I could video tape myself getting hit in the crotch. It would be great! Everyone wants to see the guy who looks like the Twilight guy get hit in the wee bits! Bring your friends, hide your children, ladies and gentlemen, the freak show has arrived! I am about to start writing poetry in order to save this boring piece!
By the way, the poem starts to rhyme at the end. I was rewriting a poem I wrote in 2004 or so, it was a rough draft. So forget it. I am going to bed!

Heart of Gold

I will give you anything he said
anything she breathed back
a husky sigh from parted lips
his deep blue eyes, hid
behind soft lids and silky lash
his voice her symphony
I know my love,
my life,
my lover
take me now to
the mountain top,
and give to me one thing,

They whirled away
to snowy peak,
the place their lips
first were one
they were one figure
now entwined
 a lovers knot
a fancy bow,

and now he said
what shall you have
my dove, my doe,
my everything?
Just give to me a heart
a heart of purest gold
A golden heart
which I may have
a sign of your pure love

My special love, my lady friend,
my only doll faced boo,
a golden heart yes you shall have
but only one not two

And so his pants he did unfurl,
and take his pork sword out
and he unleashed a steamy stream
and waved it all about

And in the snow at lovers feet
was a sign of love untold
yes in the snow at lovers feet
a heart of purest gold


www.edwardsinforks.smugmug.com

Choppin' it up!

I have been on the road for a couple days, and I can see why I missed it. I can also not imagine trying to write coherently and do all the things I got done while I was in Portland. So now, without a topic in mind, I must begin my journey back to literacy. While in Portland I was privileged to stay at Troubadour Studios, which is operated by my old roommate from college Caleb Baker. As always we had a lot of fun, fought a little bit, and got some music playing done. It is nice to go through life with someone and realize that you are both progressing in what you do, yet at the same time have fond memories of the stupid things you did in the past. When Caleb and I were living together we had a place we called "The Cave", or "The Hobbit Hole".

It was a ground floor apartment that had it entrance onto an alley. In front, if you walked the slightly curved staircase to 3rd ave, you were greeted with a fine view of Ellensburg Washingtons famous castle. It was built in the late 1880's and was meant to house the governor, but the Ellensburg fire of 1889 ended its chances to be the state capital, thankfully. I think we both liked the location, we were obviously very classy men, so the castle was a wonderful neighbor, also, I loved being in walking distance of both the campus and downtown. Caleb just liked living in an alley.

During our time of living together there was always a lot of tension as well as mutual respect and love. We were both songwriters, as well as very strong personalities. And we were also very prone to know everything. At the same time we had similarly odd senses of humor and we liked a lot of the same music. Thankfully we have both developed in our crafts. Anyway, this would all be boring if I did not tell a humorous story.

One day I came home from class to find Caleb fiddling around with a totally broken chair. He was whining and in general being very pathetic in his attempts to "fix" the chair. I told him to throw it away, it was a piece of junk. To which he replied by asking for Super Glue. I just laughed knowing that it would be a fools errand to try and use super glue when wood glue would be required, if even that were worth it.

Of course I am sure I needled him a little bit, it was pretty funny listening to him moan and groan about the broken chair. I also took secret pleasure in it because he used to drive me crazy by taking me around the apartment and showing me his stuff, then he would say "That's a nice (chair, bullfighter wall hanging, lamp, shampoo bottle, etc)!" then wait for acknowledgement. So when his "nice" chair broke, I was not sad.

Finally after listening to him a few minutes, I told him not to waste his time. I offered him my machete and told him he should just chop it up. He bristled at this, and started working faster and even less effectively on the chair. I offered it again. Then I just went back to my chambers and got the knife. When I got back he was still down on the ground trying to massage the life back into the chair. I held out the machete. Caleb looked at me with a menacing expression. He looked back at the chair. Then without a word he grabbed the knife from my hand. What followed can only be described as stunning. He demolished the chair so thoroughly and efficiently that all I could see was a blur of splinters and flailing arms. When he was done there was not even much left for me. In fact one of the splinters flew and stuck in a dresser. It was nice. After it was done we both shared a laugh and felt that we had bonded through the experience. To celebrate we just left the chopped up chair in the living room and went about our business.

The next day was Friday and for some reason my friend Landon and I decided to pick up some beer and go to my house. When we got there we found that Caleb's crazy friend Hans was over and he and Caleb were drinking beer and playing guitars in order to prepare for a show they were going to do the next week. I was really happy about this and got my own instruments and joined in. The only problem was that Lando does not play music. Most people would get bored and eventually leave, fortunately Lando is so weird he found something to do. We probably played for at least 3 hours, and Lando stayed busy the ENTIRE time! He spent the evening crawling around the kitchen floor and whittling the pieces of chopped up chair with a large knife. By the end of the evening our kitchen floor looked like a saloon covered in sawdust! It was truly a sight to behold! The funny thing was that we all had a really good night. After we were done jamming we all went to a party. I did bring my friend Brit over to jam later, but he was nonplussed by the wreckage.

After a long night, we of course wanted to rest the next day, so we did not clean up the chair. I think we must have left it like that until at least Tuesday. The only thing that I did not like about the situation was that at one point while we were not home my landlady came in to look at the boiler or something. I don't know why but I felt like a total creep, the guy with the totally destroyed chair with wood chips all over the kitchen. But she never said one thing about it, so I guess maybe she did that kind of thing herself on occasion!