Touched With The Tenderness of Wolves! Craigslist NYC

The following postings were found on the New York City craigslist. I responded to all of them. Enjoy. Buzzsaw

·         Would you like or know someone who wants to join the army? - m4w - 25 (bx)

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·         Date: 2011-04-13, 7:30PM EDT

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·         I can hep you with your first promotion with a referral. Please put the word "enlist" on the subject so that I kow your real.

To whom it may concern, I would like someone who wants to join the army. Sadly I do not know someone. Thankfully I have managed to find your posting here on Craigslist, and I am sooooo relieved. It would be a miracle for me or someone I know to receive your hep. These days, hep is hard to come by. It is even hard to trust those you kow, let alone someone you don’t kow. I would love to receive some hep, and get to kow you. You must be truly amazing to offer hep to people you don’t kow! Yours, Buzzsaw

I want to try my hand at spanking - m4m - 46 (ues)

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·         Date: 2011-04-13, 6:52PM EDT

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·         I tried this here before, but the only people responding were not for me, so I am trying again. Looking to spank a guy, either in underwear or nude. I am a 46 year old divorced greek/italian good looking muscular bi guy. No sex, so totally straight guys cool. I am new to this so you can be, too. Your picture gets mine. Lets make this happen.

Dear Spanky, you want to try your “hand” do you? Well a little about me. I am a straight guy, so I am glad you are cool with that. I have NO INTEREST in anything besides a bit of discipline. You see I was in the army, and I LOVED the discipline I received during that time in my life. Now I am away from that, and I just want to get it back anyway that I can. I hope you like the pic, I wanted to make sure that you saw my supple buttocks clearly. I had my wife take it. And believe me, she is ALL for this. Question, would you mind if she watched? Sincerely Buzzsaw

·         Fit student for muscular 4/20 buddy - m4m - 20 (Union Square)

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·         Date: 2011-04-13, 4:43PM EDT

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·         Any fit, older guys out there wanna kick back, smoke, and maybe do some cuddling/wrestling?
clean, safe, disease free

Hey bro, sounds great! See you tonight! Buzzsaw

·         Do you want to be hypnotized ? - m4m

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·         Date: 2011-04-13, 3:28PM EDT

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·         Do you want to be hypnotized ? Forced to orgasm laugh forget information.

Dear Hypno, YES, YES &YES!!!!!!!!!!!! Buzzsaw PS-I am already forgetting information, and that drink you bought me was delicious!

·         Black or Hispanic Male & Female Friends - 22 (New York City)

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·         Date: 2011-04-13, 12:48PM EDT

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·         I am an Asian guy ( Korean ), 22 yrs old with long hair - ponytail, used to wear braids / cornrows. And still could... I am looking for Black / Hispanic friends. Doesn't matter males or females. Nothing more just friends. Tryna see if there's decent people to chill wit and just go out have fun. 420 friendly. No games and funny business.

I AM STRAIGHT SO, PLEASE DUDES DON'T HIT ME UP ACTING FUNNY...LOL

I got BBM ( Blackberry Messenger ) ( pin : 269314A0 ), Live Profile , AIM , Google Talk , Windows Live Messenger... hit me up.

PLEASE ATTACH A PIC SO I KNOW WHO I'M TALKING TO AND I WILL SEND ONE AS WELL.

NO PIC = NO REPLY

And no im not crazy, a tranny, a stalker, a creeper etc so don't be one as well. oNe...

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·          m4m m4w SAM SBF SBM SBW SHF SHW male female

Hey man, I am a white guy, thought I should share that right out of the gate, BUT, I KNOW a lot of black and Hispanic people. I bet I could introduce them to you. First though I will have to require you to put the corn rows back in. Not that it is totally required, but ALL of my black and Hispanic friends sport them. It would be a matter of solidarity. As for the gay stuff I know what you mean. I posted an add looking for a straight wrestling partner and you would not believe the crazies that came out of the woodwork! As far as acting funny goes, I do a lot of improve comedy, so I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind me doing some role playing skits, and improvising some songs? I am really good at both, usually I assume a female role, just for laughs! Alright enough about me! I attached a picture of my calves, I hope that works as a starter, my face is really hot (sexy), but not that you care, since we are both straight. Peace bro! Buzzsaw

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·         Touched with the tenderness of wolves - m4m (Gramercy)

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·         Date: 2011-04-13, 11:19AM EDT

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·         Can you imagine not being defined by stats or labels? Not being defined by your size,
weight, hight, color, age, or even whether you're straight, gay or Bi?

Perhaps, you're a 'try', try to be open and receive love from another man, because
it's what your soul is longing for, and you're courageous enough to surrender
your fears and apprehensions to love...

If you are willing to give it a try - I'll help you be at ease with yourself -
while you're being touched - with the unconditional love and the
tenderness of wolves....

Dear Wolfgang, this is one of the most beautiful and heartfelt pieces of writing I have stumbled upon in many moons. I too want to be touched with the tenderness of wolves. It is something I have always dreamed about, from a child. Sincerely, Buzzsaw PS-straight and wanting to be touched with the tenderness of wolves!

Note: This was the real picture of the tenderness of wolves. It is an amazing photograph.

Yardboy With Pool Privlaiges (No Sex, just Barter)! The Best of Kansas City

To whom it may concern. I have never been to Kansas City, and to be honest I have been warned against it by several friends who live there. In an effort to actually create some content I thought I might try taking a peek about KC via Craigslist to see what it is like. Among the usual posts for texting buddies and male on male non-sexual wrastlin' I found a few real gems. Here they are in their original form, and I have responded to each one! Welcome to the world of Kansas City, enjoy! By the way, I saved the best for last!

yardboy for pool privliages - m4m (no sex just barter)

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Date: 2011-04-10, 4:08PM CDT

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near speedway, looking for yard boy to cut and edge in exchange for pool privlages. be real no bs. no nude swiming or lay out, sorry. still intrested send info , in contact put yard

Dear sir, I was interested in your posting for a "yardboy to cut and edge." It sounds like a wonderful opportunity. I currently without "pool privlages" and am very interested in obtaining them any way I can! I have had pool privlages in the past, but as of late have been going through a dry spell (pun intended). If you don't mind me asking could you please describe your pool? I would normally not be so picky, but since I am not allowed nude layabout or swimming I would like to make sure that it is worth my time. You see, nude layabout is one of my passions, it something I have to admit being very, very good at. In fact I would like to meet you because I am sure once you have seen me that you will change your mind about the nude layabout. As for swimming I never swim nude, so that will not be a problem. Cheers! Buzzsaw

The escapist - w4m - 27 (South KCMO)

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Date: 2011-04-08, 4:12PM CDT

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To get this shit out of the way...I am real...It's supposed to be sunny and warm tomorrow and maybe rain Sunday.

Now on to the ad...

You know what I need? An escape. By that, I mean a freaking awesome guy friend that I can bullshit with about whatever, talk sports and point out nice racks with, hang out, drink, have fun and then go back home to my sorta boring life happier and relaxed.

About me: Married (so no, not looking for bowchickawowwow), 27, cute, huge flirt, honest, blunt, smart, witty, hilarious, like sports, movies, music, photography, outdoors, exploring, adventure, etc. Basically, I'm fucking awesome.

You: Between the ages of 21-45, live semi-nearby south Kansas City MO, cute, don't mind me flirting, outgoing, funny, like to have a good time and able to hold fantastic conversations.

I hope to meet my new amazing friend soon!

Dear Escapist, I tried reading your post, but despite your claim to awsomeness, I was completely bored. Have you ever wondered if you are the reason that your married life sucks? I was sort of interested when you mentioned drinks (I am a borderline alcoholic with 5 kids myself). But when you mentioned no "bowchickawowwow" you lost me. I can think of no other reason that I would want to go out with some random married woman. Sorry. I tried but I just can't. By the way, you should probably say that you are specifically looking for a gay man, because that is all who would possibly be interested while fitting your stringent criteria. Best of luck, Buzzsaw

No SEX! bs or games just friendship - m4m

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Date: 2011-04-05, 11:54AM CDT

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older looking for around 35 or so to hang out and be friends a couple times a week. I'm gay and partnered. enjoy company of str8 men that have a little badboy to them. im creative, enjoy hanging out and talking, 420 friendly, looking for just a friend, low drama and good attitute, no alcoholics or guys looking for quick hook up. thanks

Dear NO SEX, I am trying yet I cannot comprehend why in the title of your post you say "NO SEX" yet at the end say "or guys looking for quick hook-ups." If I understand the intent of the title and the rest of the post, it would also mean you are not looking for slow hook-ups, or any other kind of hook-ups for that matter. Let me know if you want to hook-up, BTW I am Str8. Buzzsaw

Skeletons - m4w - 36 (Joco (online only))

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Date: 2011-04-04, 12:04PM CDT

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We all have them. Is there something in your closet nobody knows? Anonymous listener here if you've been itching to get it out.

Dear Skeletons, this is certainly going to get you sex. BTW, I have a shin bone and a skull in my closet, I would like to take them out of the closet. Any ideas as to how? Buzzsaw

·         Location: Joco

·         who wants to go turkey hunting & or mushroom - m4w - 40 (n w mo.)

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·         Date: 2011-04-03, 9:52AM CDT

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·         i can supply everything even the place to hunt, send pic & tell me why you want to be a turkey hunter

Dear Turkey/Mushroom, this sounds like a lovely time, I am sure you will have no problem finding a hunting partner. Buzzsaw

·         Hip Grandma looking for friends my age - w4w - 52 (Overland Park)

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·         Date: 2011-04-02, 9:56AM CDT

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·         Looking for LADIES ONLY that are lucky enough to have at least a couple of weekdays free, and are between 45 and 65! Empty nesters or no children under 18 preferred.
I would prefer your are married as well. I can't really hold up my end of the conversation if you are dissing on your ex, or talking about dating. I am an old married lady. LOL
Would prefer that you not live more than about 10 miles from 119th and Antioch. We all know if friends live too far apart they never get together!
Would like someone to go out to lunch with, go to the movies with, shopping etc. PREFERABLY DURING M-F 9-5 hours.
Financially stable only please. Not looking for friends who can't pay their own way.
I love to travel, read, (I now not exactly a team sport), go to movies, out to lunch, and other girly stuff.
I am a non-smoker and would require you be as well. I do drink alcohol, generally only at home thought.
MWF, with grown children . and three med/large dogs. Two grandchildren. Yes I was prolific at a young age, and so were my children.
Please don't respond if you don't like being seen with overweight people. I have to admit to being a short (5'4") overweight chick who needs to lose about 30lbs.
Only looking for platonic female friendships. Not interested in a sexual relationship.
I look forward to hearing from you. Please put "SPRING" ahhhh, it is finally hear!!!) in your ad, so I will know that you aren't CL spam. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

Dear Grandma, I have had the pleasure of reading your post and I enjoyed it like a fine wine. Sadly I do not fit any of your criteria, starting with age, and ending "not interested in a sexual relationship." Too bad, I think we could have had a lot of fun. Buzzsaw 

·         Thought about the "lifestyle?" - m4w - 48 (Don't care, anywhere)

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·         Date: 2011-03-31, 7:21PM CDT

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·         Evening ladies!
Pretty cool easygoing guy here looking for some interesting convo. Willing to share my experience in the swinging lifestyle. Not really looking to hook up, just share my thoughts and experience with you. Have you ever had the curiosity about something like this and no one to talk about it with? Well here's a safe enviroment to do so! I'm very experienced with over 20 years of incredible fun under my belt. (pardon the pun LOL)

So, this something you're interested in? Then I would enjoy talking with you!

Dear Swinger, thank you for the best pun ever. Also I bet it is pretty normal for an experienced swinger to want to take women under his wing in a non-sexual manner. After all, with that much experience "under your belt" I bet you are just tired of all the sex. Am I right? I thought so! Well when you get these women properly trained up, would you please let me know? I am pretty to very horny today and I could use a romp in the hay! Love and best wishes, Buzzsaw 

·         Let's throw another shrimp on the barbie

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·         Date: 2011-03-30, 1:17PM CDT

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·         Well, maybe not as it's a little cool out, and I don't eat bait. LOL
Ok so i'm a dork but it makes the days go by faster.
Just kinda bored today so feel like seeing whats happening on cl

Dear Shrimp, thank you for taking an annoying catch phrase and turning it into something beautiful. "I don't eat bait!" Have fun! Buzzsaw PS-I find it very refreshing that you actually have no intention of barbecuing shrimp (bait).

·         looking for turkey & mushroom hunting lady - m4w - 40 (nw mo.)

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·         Date: 2011-03-30, 9:30AM CDT

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·         i have the skills & the land send pic & tell me why you will be a fun hunting buddy

Dear Turkey/Mushroom, you will easily find a hunting buddy! Love Buzzsaw

·         Panty (OP)

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·         Date: 2011-03-25, 9:38PM C

Wanting to sell my used/worn panties. 1 day of wear from a small/med frame woman. $50 obo. Please note that I am offering just the panties, not me! Me (and my husband) will meet in the Hen House parking lot at 135th and Metcalf.
1.No you can not take them off of me, I am married.
2.Just want to provide them for those that have a panty fetish.
3.I meet you in the afternoon, you pay, I hand you the panties and we go our ways. What you do with them after is all on you.
4.I will not send you pictures of me in the panties, you can not take pictures of me in them.

Dear Panties, I do not have a pantie fetish persay, but I do fantasize about meeting women with their husbands in the Hen House parking lot. I would pay you $45 if I could ride along on your next pantie drop. By the way, has anyone ever told you that you write amazingly? I think I am in love! Buzzsaw

NO SEX!

As you might have noticed I have not posted anything for awhile. The facts of the matter are that I have been working on my book, reading, and doing some major work on my truck Snowflake (which should be running in two days for the first time since August). On top of all that, I have not been hit with inspiration. As always in these instances, I went to craigslist. It took me about 11 minutes to find something truly exceptional. Here it is complete with the pictures the author added:

Ever Consider a Alternative Affair? - m4w - 30 (Lakewood, WA)

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Date: 2011-04-06, 5:50PM PDT

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Hello wonderful ladies who are (married/divorced/engaged/dating,single, etc) - STATUS doesn't matter

If you feel alone or how I feel sometimes then read on:

- I am seeking someone who would like to be friends, more than friends, but NOT sexual lovers.
- If you have the self control to have this kind of friendship with me, then reply.
- In our friendship I would take YOU out, wine and dine YOU, go with YOU shopping if you wanted, and listen to you when talking instead of flap my gums about something you don't care about. (Ouch Guys!) I WILL LISTEN & PAY ATTENTION!
- I hope you enjoy CUDDLING; talking, watching MOVIES that YOU like; Dancing; Quiet and LAZY days (let me know what you like or seek, you can be honest)
- Tell me about your situation and we'll discuss it. I won't judge you.
- Why would I want a relationship like this? Not sure, never done this before, but we'll figure it out

About Me: 30, will be 31 in June, 6 foot in great athletic shape. Married for 4 years almost and not leaving my wife, but need ONE good gal-friend who feels like me.

Please REPLY with "Alternative" in subject line if you are serious. I'm not going to waste your time and won't allow you to waste mine. I am real, genuine, good natured guy, just seeking ONE Gal for this.

Note: This man has OBVIOUSLY mastered the ART of all caps! Love Buzzsaw

Summit: You Broke Their Hearts! (And They Leaked The Pics!)

In an attempt to understand the controversy behind the latest Twilight debacle (this time the "illegal" leaking of movie stills by the production company) I have found the real press release that explains exactly how saddened they are. It reads as follows:

As some of you may know, pictures and screen grabs of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn as a work in progress have leaked on the internet. We are extremely proud of this film and also extremely heartbroken to see it out there at this stage. The film and these images are not yet ready or in their proper context. They were illegally obtained and their early dissemination is deeply upsetting to the actors, the filmmakers and Summit who are working so hard to bring these movies to fruition to you in November 2011 and November 2012. Please, for those who are posting, stop. And please, though the temptation is high, don’t view or pass on these images. Wait for the film in its beautiful, finished entirety to thrill you. Sincerely, Stephenie Meyer, Bill Condon, Wyck Godfrey and Summit Entertainment
—Summit Entertainmnet

Well that is just terrible. What upsets me the most is that it had to be EMPLOYEES OF SUMMIT who leaked them. That is right. The sets are closed, so how in the world could it have leaked from an outside source? I have heard claims that some 14 year old Twihard from Australia hacked into Stephenie Meyer's computer, but that doesn't even make a good story, let alone a convincing lie! Come on Summit, if you want me to believe you, can you at least give me something to chew on? I can think of at least ten better ways explain the leak. How about blaming it on nerds who love Harry Potter and hate Twilight. There are loads of them, and they are probably all better with computers than most Twilight fans. As it stands, the press release just makes Summit look dumb. From the schedule of film releases, and other odd marketing tactics, summit should already be under scrutiny for this, if not blamed entirely and ignored. Let's take a look at some of the red flags that have gone up along the way.

First, Robsten. Whatever the hell the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart is, the connection with Summit is undeniable. Let it be known, I could give a shit less whether it is real, but it is mighty suspicious that they have been thrown together as lovers since their audition. Now, they might be, but the whole controversy has certainly been lucrative for Summit, there is no denying.

Another fact that undeniably links Summit with retarded ploys to gain hype was when The Hurt Locker was nominated for an Oscar. Producer Nicolas Chartier was barred from the Academy Awards ceremony for sending out an e-mail begging voters to vote for him. The film went on to win a bunch of little gold statues of naked men, resulting in Summits only critical success (sorry Twihards, but your movies have been nominated for multiple Razzies). In my opinion, this is just another reason that Summit is suspect.

Lastly, lets look at the early leaks from the Brazil film location. It confuses me that they could film on a private island, and yet, somehow, pictures were leaked. Did they not require all staff to be searched prior to the filming? If not, I hardly care that someone supposedly leaked photo's. Of course I read statements prior to the shooting that said they would take all cameras etc, so either they are really bad at taking camera's or, what is more likely, they wanted to hype the movie by putting a few random photo's online so the fans could drool. In my opinion, the latter is much more likely.

Why would they need to hype up the final installment in a blockbuster series you ask? Well I can think of several reasons. First, they are waiting for a year before the release of Breaking Dawn. The other films were released closer together, thus keeping the hype machine rolling. With this one, they were probably worried about losing steam. Second, for anyone who has read the book Breaking Dawn, it is possibly the worst and most boring book in existence. I have had the chance to meet and speak with many Twilight fans, and rarely do I hear that Breaking Dawn is a favorite in the series. It is utterly rediculous, and since essentially nothing happens except some sex scenes and a baby delivery, the producers (mostly men I am sure) were worried that people might figure this out. So release some pictures. It is harmless.

In closing, from my perspective, the Twilight films and Summit are actually capitalizing on the cast more than the stories. Of course people talk about the story to some degree, but it seems that they talk about the cast just as much if not more. I would be willing to bet that there are a lot more Robert Pattinson fansites than Edward Cullen fansites, and that is just the tip of the iceberg. So believe them if you will, but I think you are being duped if you do. It is Summit after all! They are the true turds of Hollywood!

Note: The whole thing smells of a rat akin to the inept merketing ploy used by aging rockers Buckcherry in 2008. They published an indignant press release saying that someone "leaked" their song "Too Drunk" onto a torrent sharing site. They were found out. The same will happen with Summit.

Summit Entertainment: Twihards Beware, Or Be Sued!

Fans of the Twilight series were given something to cheer about yesterday when a slew of unreleased still photo's from the latest movie in the series found their way into cyberspace. Some thought it must have been the work of rabid fan while most believed that it was a marketing ploy by the social retards at Summit Entertainment. The pictures which depicted among other things Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black, the series main fake native American) staring deeply into the eyes of Mackenzie Foy, his 11 year old love interest. A beautiful picture to be sure, but it seemed to ruffle the feathers of some of the folks at Summit. Over the course of the day they made press releases, which to their credit, showed some level of maturity by the end of the day. The first one went as follows:

From Summit Entertainment, LLC: The pictures that are being posted are LEGAL property of Summit Entertainment. They are not to be posted without prior permission, and as that permission has not been granted, we are demanding that they be removed. If the fans of The Twilight Saga want to ruin what we have worked so hard to create, we have no further choice but to sue. If our legal team finds evidence that these pictures have been posted we will take action. It seems that a lot of you bitches think we are blowing smoke up your ass, but rest assured we are not. To wit, in the past 24 hours we have sued 26 people, including 6 under the age of 18 and some old bitch who claims to "have cancer" whatever the hell that means. So if you don't want to feel the wrath, you better pull those pictures off and grovel at our feet. We are after all SUMMIT ENTERTAINMENT! WE MAKE HIT MOVIES! WE HAVE WON OSCARS! YOU ARE SWINE AND VERMIN! BOW TO ME! Sincerely, Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment


Obviously this is sort of an "intense" way to tell the fans to back off, but like I said, Summit has never been known to have a lot of tact. In fact, coming from a company that often refers to it's Native American actors as "red injuns" in memos, I think Mr Friedman did alright. Of course, after the letter was sent to the ACLU and several other organizations, Summit started changing it's tune, not drastically, but enough. Here is the second press release:

To Whom it May Concern: Twilight fans, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you just jealous? That's right jealous. Just because I eat lunch with Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner ON A REGULAR BASIS, does not give you the right to be such a bunch of ho's! The ACLU? Seriously? You think they are going to save you when you have STOLEN from us?! We will have to see about that! Again, if you post, email, or comment on any of the STOLEN pictures from the next BLOCKBUSTER HIT that Summit Entertainment is producing, I will find you, I will make you pay in ways you never previously imagined (even that sick bitch Stephenie Meyer could not imagine what I will do to you!)! In fact, after I sue your ass I am going to punish you in ways that make the KGB look like baby kittens! EVER HEARD OF WATER BOARDING???!!!!! Sincerely Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment

Well despite the claims of lawsuits etc. it was only a matter of time before they were found out. An email was found that proves that Summit did in fact leak the pictures, here it is:

Hey Jim, you better get those damn stills online ASAP! I am worried that this damn movie is going top be a major bust unless you get something out there to stir up these sheep! A little sex would be nice! ;) Hey, and when you are posting them make sure you do it under a fake account this time, nobody is going to believe for a second that Jimthesportsnut is getting Breaking Dawn stills, make up some kind of chick name, like Robspetcougar or some bullshit. Then LEAK THE DAMN STILLS! This movie is totally bullshit and you know it, if they find out that NOTHING ACTUALLY HAPPENS we are going to be up shit creek with a turd for a paddle! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR OR I WILL HAVE YOUR JOB! Thanks buddy, Rob F.

Of course after this was released (probably by one of the twiteen hackers), they had to sing a different tune, slightly. Here is the final press release:

OK Twihards, you had your little fun. I guess if you want to ruin the movie for yourselves it is fine by me. Just let it be known, we are Summit Entertainment, and we don't need you. In our opinion you are like parasites and if you won't go away, sure we will feed you some crumbs from the table of our KINGLY BANQUET! But seriously, get a life, we know Rob Patterson personally, AND YOU DON'T! Best regards Rob Friedman, Summit Entertainment

I don't know what all this means, but I am sure it will not be reflected in box office numbers when Breaking Dawn is released. As for Summit, I have built an alter and a shrine to them, the greatest film production company in the history of the world!