Monday, November 29, 2010

If you were smarter...

If you were only slightly smarter, better looking, and witty, you too might have won my caption contest! Ha! But your not! And to be open and honest, neither am I. In fact I entered two times, and even though I am completely corrupt, I still did not award myself the prize. The prize goes to a certain person named Pauline! Yes that's right Pauline. Did I stutter? I did not think so. I am sure you will get all whiny and upset that your comment which was not even a caption did not win. I don't care. Pauline did it better, and I am making an educated guess, but I bet she could do it again.

Not that we are slouches, but she is just very very good at what she does. Now to be fair, she has worked as a professional "caption artist" for the Detroit Sun since her graduation from Michigan State in 1997, does that make my contest unfair? No! Never once did I say that it was limited to amateurs, it just so happens that a professional won. But let me get to my prize, the winner of my contest gets a personal biography written by yours truly. So here you go Pauline:

Pauline. Born with no last name. Raised with no last name. To this day she is known simply as Pauline. Pauline or "EagleHair". The second is her "hippie" name. It was given to her during a drum circle at a Phish concert in Vermont. She was playing a tattoo on a djembe which was so spiritual, so moving, so earthy, that a large shaman had a vision. It was something about how WalMart was trying to control the world by selling Otter Pops at rock bottom prices. Somehow he realized that she would be called "EagleHair". In general, as a policy, I just call her EagleHair. It is as beautiful as she is!

I mentioned that she worked writing captions in Detroit. This is the good job. She used to work in a bank. Not at one of the good jobs, where you get a desk and stuff. No, Pauline was an ATM monkey, which meant long hours curled up inside the ATM reading cards and sending money out the little slot which was so hard to see. The reason she got that job was not because she was evil and needed to be punished, no, it is because Pauline is an orphan, and what many people don't know is that the Carter Administration developed a bill called "The Orphan order" which dictated that orphans would work the ATM circuit in exchange for the federal money they receive, some kind of FDIC thing I believe.

Pauline is a firebrand most certainly. Her hobbies include photography, and archery. As a concept artist she is unmatched. One of her pieces "Tickin' Like a Time Bomb" won a prize. In this piece her boyfriend Lucas Dimitri got into a clock suit with a time bomb attached and Pauline standing 100 yards away, disarmed the bomb using only her bow and arrows. It was the talk of Detroit for several days, which might have something to do with the fact that she was arrested for her art, charged with a felony and sentenced to life in prison. She broke out. Not a problem for her. When the authorities found her, living with impunity in her own house, under her own name, they just caved. She never even looked up from her settee where she was filing her nails. The fuzz just looked at her and gave up.

Pauline is a Capricorn. Of course she does not believe the mumbo jumbo about horoscopes. People always act like they know what "sign" she is by the way she acts, then they ask what her sign is. She thinks this is ridiculous. If they really knew they should not have to ask what her sign is.

A humanitarian, Pauline has actually surpassed Bono as the worlds biggest fundraiser. this is because Bono just has yellow glasses, Pauline is actually a legit orphan. Sadly it is also why she brings bags when she eats at buffets, to her credit though she does share much of her bounty with Trevor her pet basset hound. He is a great hound. Born in the hills of Tennessee and brought to Detroit in the back of a Toyota Previa. He is housebroken, naturally, he also has a svelte, sexy figure. What a man. What a guy. Thank you Trevor for your entry, you sexy beast. I love you. If I were not a man I would ask you to marry me Trevor. I love your eyes. I think they are beautiful. in fact I have to admit, I really love your laugh! Trevor, be my Valentine! Buzzsaw!

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