Thursday, March 3, 2011

A fart story is always welcome, right?

Sitting down to the dreaded task of conjuring up entertaining words and combining them in a fresh and edgy way, I had a plan. Then I remembered a story I promised a friend I would post. It just so happens to be a classic fart story.

I was a freshman at Interlake High School in Bellevue WA. My high school was notable for having been the high school the the members of Queensryche attended. It was kind of cool, but not really the cool you could brag about. Until now. Anyway, I had an awkward youth, homeschooling until 7th grade which is just enough to screw you up socially, but early enough that most people don't know you are screwed up until they notice the bizarre habits and behavior you have been hiding from them for years. Anyway, at 15 to say I was self conscious would be an understatement. I was like a wolf reintroduced to the wild. Who knows what the survival rate for those things is, but it's not great. Anyway, back to the fart story.

In 9th grade I was lucky enough to have a PE class that was split between 9th and 10th graders. This was awesome because though socially awkward I was not bad at sports and I was funny enough that I could interact in a class like that and still be fine. Another bonus was that there were some total older babes in the class, and they were blowing my young mind! I loved playing sports with the hot older women and I have to admit it was one of the highlights of the semester. The story I am about to tell took place during the basketball unit of our class. Here it is:

Our teacher was a man named Bob Haynes. I introduced the nickname "Textbook" Haynes, because when he demonstrated sports he looked just like a 1970's textbook. All his moves were old school. And perfect. One day he was showing us the perfect way to shoot a free throw. Legs bent, powerful stance, a spring with the legs and your right wrist snapped, with your hand "reaching into the cookie jar!" All the while a group of bored 9th and 10th graders was sitting on the gym floor trying to stay awake.

I don't remember if I had to fart before we sat down, but I am guessing it suddenly came upon me when the class got silent. It was bad. The gas was building up painfully in my stomach and I knew there was no way to try and let it sneak out silently. It was going to be bad. Imagine a silent gymnasium. That fart was going to resonate off the floor and echo through the room, embarrassing me in front of not only my peers but the older babes as well. I would rather have died. Asking "Textbook" Haynes if I could use the bathroom during his demo was not something I wanted to do either. He told us to use the restroom before class and it was kind of a rule. I really had no options. The gas was building to epic proportions. I felt like at any moment I might start floating away like a cut-rate Good Year Blimp. Something had to be done. That is when my cunning kicked in.

I was sitting by a guy named John, who was really nice guy and a friend of mine. He was also uptight and a total fall guy. I knew that if done correctly I could fart as loud as I wanted and get away with it, as long as I blamed it on him as fast as I could. I felt like a man who was about to rob a bank. "Textbook" was showing us how to box out for a rebound, but I couldn't hear him. He had turned into a droning noise in the background. Finally I let loose. Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaappppppttttthhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was one of the loudest farts I have ever heard. As soon as I started, I whipped my head around towards John as if he had just blown major ass, at the same time scooting away like he had the plague! The ruse worked. He was such an uptight and proper guy that he immediately turned beet red, convincing the entire class that he was the guilty party! The relief I felt at that moment was amazing. The entire class laughed at him, I was off the hook!

The cool part about it was that he was really cool about it in the locker room after class, plus he was cool anyway and had a girlfriend and stuff. I didn't ruin his life, but I sure as hell saved my own reputation, what little I had. Anyway, if you are looking for a moral, it could be "find a good fall guy" it could also be "don't fool around with Buzzsaw unless you get up REALLY early in the morning!" Peace!

Editors note: Buzzsaw told me to tell you that he cannot understate how good it felt when he finally farted. It was awesome!

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