Thursday, March 24, 2011

There are two kinds of women: Cougars vs Non-Cougars

At the suggestion of a friend I am delving into the topic of how women differ from each other. This is most certainly a stupid thing to do. First of all, besides from the fact that a lot of women are jealous of each other and mean to each other, I really don't know much. Second of all, my main experience with women besides the last year has been from having two sisters. The reality is I know almost nothing. The chances of getting crucified for what I say in this piece are extremely high, so I want to tell my family I love them, and thank you friends for your support. Here goes.

I have to start out from the time I was operating the store in Forks. It was the most interaction I had with women up to that point in my life. I was selling pictures as a genuine look-alike actual fake Twilight guy, the star of a movie whose fanbase is probably 95.9% female. So that was generally our customer base. I noticed a distinct difference right away between the older (cougars, for the general purposes of simplicity) and the younger women. That was this. The cougars, would walk right in and say what they wanted. If they wanted to talk about grabbing my ass, they would. Now they were mostly polite, but they let their feelings show. No problem, they didn't care. I came to call them "The Older and Bolder."

The younger women on the other hand were quite often very shy. Sure they have 5,000 posters of Edward in their bedroom, but they would freeze up when it came time to take pictures. Now mind you, the resemblance is apparently striking, so the shock is understandable, but with the younger women it would linger, whereas the older and bolder would be sassy as hell after a very short time. Of the women I had scream and run away from me, all of them were young. Of the ones who were so star struck they could hardly talk, 90% were young. It was cute.

As far as women go, I would say there is sort of a grey area in the late 20's that is not cougars nor so called young women. These were very interesting. Sometimes, they would be straight up, hell bent for leather to have a good twilight time. But often they would make up heinous lies about "going to the Hoh rain forest" or "camping on first beach" of course being a sort of trusting guy, I believed them. Only to find out later that they were in fact closeted Twihards. How the hell else would a woman from New York end up in Forks and Twidentify me at the Three Rivers Camp ground? Duuuuuh! Twihard!

As for the cougars there is something similar in their age group. Despite their boldness, they did have a weakness, they were damn liars! You don't know how many times I have heard the phrase "Can I get a picture with you? It's for a friend, she will really get a kick out of it!" As if I believe that bullshit! Just admit its for you! Then pay me! If you want my time pay me! And don't play me for the fool woman, because you know damn well that you are going to take it home and get all hot over it, then go ravish your husband, all the while thinking about the British guy you are obsessed with, but through the lens of the wild American writer you managed to actually meet! Just admit it. I started calling bullshit now. At some point you just get tired of the pretense.

I don't know if that makes anything clearer, it might have just muddied the waters. I will say that there is no hard and fast rule because humans are individuals, no matter how much we rely on groups to survive. There will always be a point when our true colors come out, and sometimes those colors came flying out around The World's Most Twidentified Man! To all you ladies, thank you, you are wonderful, you deserve a man to treat you right, and in all likelihood, it ain't gonna be me! But I love you anyway! Buzzsaw

Postscript: I must add that due to the totally unexpected phenomenon of fans running away from me (not because I didn't look like the actual look-alike) I was only able to survive because of the older and bolder, and the fans of Jacob Black. Also there were a surprising number of people who had never heard of Twilight, but saw pictures and thought what we were doing was ballsy and hilarious. They bought a lot of pictures.


  1. Awesome post! Not offended at all thank God.

  2. Well now I wish I was a damned sight bolder than what I am. The older part I got down pat lol. Great piece. Not offended at all either.

  3. I wouldn't want to go out with a younger man, but I admit I am lusty over Rob! But, it wasn't looks that caught my eye. I wasn't reeled in until I read and watched interviews with him. He has a great personality and genuinely seems like a great person. That got my attention and made me look a little closer. : D

  4. I applaud your honesty! And love the Older and Bolder title. I would NEVER lie to you.

  5. I think this is pretty accurate except when I met you I thought you were helpful and kind and that you did look like Rob, not Edward but Rob. Although I never wanted to grab your ass. I never even thought of that.

    I flew from DC to go to Forks and other places so I guess that makes me a Twihard but not all fans are the type to follow Rob ( or you for that matter)down the street video taping him while he buys his undies. That kinda thing does nothing for me. Creeps me out actually.


  6. I don't plan on flying out to meet a Man who doesn't even look like Robert pattinson.. lol I prefer meeting the real thing.. You are a Great Writer though.. Keep that up :)