Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Answering the challenge: Russellhood Reviewed!

Hi there! If you are wondering how I am doing, here is the update: I am not writing blogs because I am too busy playing open mic nights and blowing minds around Baton Rouge to fill your computer with BS! Also, since I don’t make any money out of this here report, I am unmotivated to do anything except sneak around film locations and carouse. Well, for those who read the announcement of the challenge between Dr HS Twilight and myself, I am giving you my half of the challenge, yes it is late, but I am not getting paid, so I don’t care! Here is my review of the latest “Robin Hood” movie:
Robin Hood: A long and boring tale. Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood is a stinking turd of a film. This utter waste of resources stars Russell Crowe and some other morons who must have been desperate for work. The movie starts in some damn place. Let’s say Palestine or Hungary. I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that the writer decided to ignore the fact that in the tales of Robin Hood he never went on a crusade. Well, after being a jackass, Russellhood meets “Little John.” I was trying to follow the movie but I did not realize that this bland buffoon was one of Russellhood’s “merry men.” His presence was useless and he did nothing. In the tales of Robin Hood, Little John and Robin met in Sherwood Forest while trying to cross a narrow bridge at the same time. They fought with bo-staffs. Little John proved to be both clever and brave, as did Robin. In this movie, it is not clear if these “characters” are either. Back to the boring story!
Somehow the King of England is killed, after chasing Russellhood away for some reason. This is important only to the crazy plot that involved political intrigue and lots of shots that involved the camera spinning around RussellHood. In fact it was so bad I will not even attempt to go further. Here are just a few of the offences committed in this movie:
To begin with Russellhood LIVES IN A HOUSE! What in the hell kind of Robin Hood does that! At least Kevin Costner lived in the woods! His movie sucked too, but he did have that part right. Another vulgar misuse of “folk lore” is that RussellHood DID NOT STEAL FROM THE RICH AND GIVE TO THE POOR! Of course in real life if there was such a man he probably did not either, but the point is that almost every single tale of Robin Hood involves some kind of trick, or a robbery. In a few they are foiled, and sometimes they increase the band of merry men, such as the case of Little John, but they are THIEVES, which is why it is cool in the first place. This movie is such a waste of time that I actually walked out before the last EPIC BATTLE SCENE! None of these things have anything to do with Robin Hood! I was literally flogging myself with a licorice whip in a vain attempt to deter the REM sleep that was closing in on me faster than a good day at church! I was so bored watching this sullen band (OF 5!) mope across the screen that I was considering trying to rob the movie theater in protest! Don’t get me wrong, Russelhood is not the worst possible Robin Hood, but even Sinbad would be better. But let us not forget a certain Ridley Scott!
A fact which really fires up my boiler is that Scott had the nerve to criticize other Robin Hood movies! He claimed that they were inaccurate. I don’t know about you but I am inspired. I will use the fact that I am in Louisiana to put a voodoo curse on Mr Scott so that he cannot get funding for anything but reality shows, though whatever he does is bound to be awful. This farce of a movie is not even worth watching for free, and I would rather be fed live scorpions than watch it again. All told I give this movie negative 50 stars. It is so bad that homeless people have walked out. It is so bad that I heard grown men crying and whimpering “make it stop” as I induced vomiting on the floor in order to purge myself of my contact with this disgrace of a film!
So for those of you wishing to see a good Robin Hood movie I suggest this: get the Disney version with the fox. It features the songs of Roger Miller and also shows you how to make a snorkel out of a reed. It is a damn good movie, and until a good version is made must suffice.  So burn in hell Ridley Scott, you stupid man! And Russelhood, may your career wither and fade like a cast member from The Real World (is that even a show anymore?)! Summary: Worst movie ever! Buzz


  1. Another version: 'Marion & Robin' w/ Sean Connery & Audrey Hepburn. Two iconic actors to snooze to

  2. Well, now I'm glad that I didn't see this movie.

    I fly in the face of the expectation that as an American housewife I should masturbate with my rabbit to the image of Russell Crow. I like neither of these scenarios and neither of these things gets me off.

    The only movie Russell Crow was in that I liked was Gladiator and that was because I enjoyed watching him get his ass handed to him by Joiquin Phoenix, who can actually act. Russell Crow cannot act and the only thing he has going for him is his Australian accent and I've heard better than his.

    All in all - yes, Russell bites it.

    I am on the fence about Ridley Scott though. I loved Alien but then that had a woman kicking ass so I am bound to adore it.

    I do like the Disney Robinhood too. Miss Clucky is as randy as they come for a farm animal and that's always good in my book. And a snake with a lisp is always entertaining.

    My least favorite movie is Roger Rabbit, even though I enjoy cartoons too. Well, it's a tie with Beetlejuice. Both of those made me want to . . . well, you don't want to know what.