Tuesday, February 22, 2011

R-Pattz, K-Stew, the Paparazzi, & you! Fighting fire With Fire!

I can't speak for everybody, but I like my privacy. I want to be able to go about my daily tasks without having them interrupted by strangers, the obvious exception being beautiful single women. In the last couple years though that has become increasingly difficult due to my being twidentified. For example, last August I was at La Push Washington outside the now defunct Rivers Edge restaurant. I was talking to a friend and a couple was sitting in their min van right in front of me. I watched as the woman took out her camera, talked to her husband than, with total impunity took a picture of me. Then they drove off without ever talking to me.

It was kind of creepy and kind of funny at the same time. For me it really wasn't that weird by August 2010, but I am sure for anyone else it would not be very cool at all. Still what I go through is nothing compared to what the actual movie stars go through when it comes to paparazzi chases and lack of privacy, yet it makes me aware to some degree what they are going through. The purpose of this piece is to help fans learn how they can help out in the war on paparazzi. As the worlds most twidentified man, as well as a former juvenile delinquent, I think I can offer some insight.

It was on Sunset Strip June 21, 2010 that I got my first true paparazzi experience. My business partner Lando and I had stumbled upon an event hosted by Bing and decided to see if I would get twidentified. Long story short, I didn't but I learned about the dreadful paparazzi. We were standing on the steps of the Bank of America building surrounded by models in disgusting looking, and obviously expensive clothes when the "stars" arrived. Due to my complete ignorance, I didn't know who they were. It turns out one was Drake. The paparazzi reaction was intense!

One girl got out of a limo and walked down the "press" area and a group of full grown men with bulging eyes "barked" questions at her. In fact I could not tell what they were doing except it sounded like a pack of wild animals! I was in shock! How does she know what they are saying? How can they hear her while they are barking? It blew my mind! The paparazzi even looked like animals! Greasy and uncouth with beady eyes! I was afraid they were going to knife me! "It's Rob!" They jump me "Wait that ain't Rob! Let's kill him!" Thump. Kick. Punch. And they beat me to death with their cameras!

After the security cleared everyone out we walked up Sunset to check the scene. At the nearest gas station we saw the same paparazzi group pumping gas and talking on cell phones arranging their next attack. The whole gas station was filled with their ominous looking black SUV's. So we realized, that like a group of wild dogs, they hunt in packs. At this point Lando and I started discussing how we could defeat them. Here is essentially what we came up with: Fight fire with fire!

One thing I know about people is that they usually get angry about their own bad qualities when they see them demonstrated in others. I know I do, I feel like an idiot, but I have to admit it. Knowing that I formulated a theory that though they love taking pictures of others, paparazzi would probably not really like to have their pictures taken and having people bark at them. So I figured we should form a paparazzi paparazzi. A group of people who specialize in taking pictures of the paparazzi and invading their privacy as much as possible. The next day I tried my theory.

At the Nokia Theater (I wrote in greater detail in a previous post) I was essentially attacked because of the twidentification thing. The whole time I was fairly uncomfortable, but when I saw that I was getting photographed by paparazzo I snapped. I grabbed Lando's camera and got right in their faces firing off photo's. They literally disappeared! Perhaps they just thought I was a moron, which is actually true quite often, but I also think that they were not keen on getting their photo's shot. I would love to test this theory further.

What I would suggest for any fan of Rob, Kristen, or any other popular celebrity, would be to take pictures of the paparazzi as often as you can. If you can in any way infiltrate their groups, start to mislead them via twitter. They are following you, so you have to try and figure out how to use that to your advantage. I would love to see a website dedicated to posting pictures of paparazzi members, preferably while they are not working. Know where they live? Have a picnic in front of their house. See them leave? Follow. Hey people, let's get creepy. Let's get creepy as hell! I see no reason why we shouldn't.

These are great techniques, but how can someone who lives in Lawrence KS do anything about it? For one stop buying the stuff they sell. There is big money in a photo of K-Stew and R-Pattz, but do you really need one of them grocery shopping to round out your collection? I think not. I honestly see absolutely no way it could be interesting. Even if it is something amazing and unheard of like the Kardashian sisters shopping in Beverly Hills, I don't need it. So if you love your stars please don't buy that crap. It's not like the articles are new. They just reuse the same garbage again and again. It is totally irrelevant.

Lastly I want to talk about safety. I probably should have done that first, some people probably got bored and only read "fight fire with fire." Needless to say I am sure their will be an arson or 5 and I will be blamed. For the rest of you, don't do anything illegal, just creep them out. Ask the paparazzi for their autographs. Get in their way! Tell them you want to have their baby! Tell the you are pregnant with their baby! But don't get involved in a car chase, we don't need another Princess Diana. I am also NOT saying that it would be funny if you let the air out of the tires of a known paparazzo while they are out and about on foot. I am NOT saying that at all. Because it would be bad. Not funny as hell. Seriously, do NOT do that.

Love, Buzzsaw


  1. I have zero respect and I hate those vultures. I've seen them chase, being rude and mean to celebrities. They're disgusting!