Actual News! Forks High School Students Suspended!

I interrupt my usually completely fabricated works of truth, to bring something which is actually true! Of course I am not going to send you to real news sources, but I will summarize the story. Last week a student from Forks High School was suspended for wearing a Sex Pistols tee shirt to school. The student and friends thought this was unlawful, so they studied up and could not find evidence to prove otherwise. So they got a bunch of Sex Pistols shirts and wore them to school. They were summarily suspended. Now, you may say that my details are hazy, but I am busy so I am just using the parts of the story I have heard through the "vine" so bear with me.

To begin with I tried for 37 minutes to become offended by the phrase "Sex Pistols" it did not work. In fact the depressing part is that I did not even get horny! Damn! The only thing I could think of was Johnny Rotten's disgusting teeth, which was offensive. But the phrase Sex Pistols does nothing. So either I am too corrupt, which is highly plausible, or it is actually not offensive. So maybe I should take a look at both sides of the coin.

Offensive: I find it offensive to see a teenager wearing a Sex Pistols tee shirt. This is because I am neither having sex, or toting pistols. I would LOVE to be having sex right now! Instead I am offended because I am sitting in a motel in Winslow AZ, listening to the soft sounds of America's Funniest Home Videos! And I don't have a video on the show! If I had a pistol I would pull an Elvis Presley and shoot the TV, but instead I get to hear about these teeny boppers who are flaunting their sexuality and right to bear arms! Quit frankly, all I can think of is the sex I am not getting. It angers me. It angers me deeply. What, do these kids think they can be so selfish as to just rub it in everyone's face? I think not! Suspended! And if my sex life does not improve in the next two weeks, its the death sentence! You might say, "oh, your just being hard on them" and I would say, "What the hell was with that sexual innuendo? make another one and you die!" So, that's it for me, I say its banned and they can keep it the hell out of my school!

Not-Offensive: OK, I can see how the pistols thing is a bit extreme, what with school shootings and all, but sex? It's normal to have sex! Everyone of the parties involved was brought into this world through sex. Of course there is a chance that they were cloned, but since the Forks public library still has a significant VHS collection (including every season of The Highlander TV series) I would bet that cloning technology has not made it our fair city. Anyway, who cares if they have sex? If they have pistols too most likely they can provide for the kid, even if they do become criminals! so the whole thing seems dumb. Do you want to know what really offends me? The music of The Sex Pistols. I just think they sucked. They might have had some degree of talent, but I could never tell from any of the songs I heard. Their best attribute was that the songs were short. You don't have to wait long for the noise to stop. Do I think they are cool? Kind of. I personally think that Joe Strummer and the boys from The Clash had a lot more talent. But who cares? What REALLY offends me is the fact that McDonalds makes people who like hamburgers out to be felonious hamburger stealing freaks! The Hamburgler my ass! It is a metaphor for the American people! And I don't like it! Don't tread on me! In closing, I am not offended by the phrase "The Sex Pistols" but I am offended by the lack of nudity in our society! Fin!

My Actual Opinion: I don't know what that all even means, I don't really care. I guess my true opinion fits in somewhere in the middle. In reality ever since I took a trip to Japan in 2005 I have been a supporter of school uniforms. I am sure this will raise an outcry, and in high school I would have freaked out to. But here is why. With uniforms you do away with the "cool kids", at least when defined by fashion. Kids in uniforms all look nerdy. So they are evened out. Nerds are the same as the jocks. rich kids the same as the poor kids. Until I saw this in practice I did not get it. But it would do away with a lot of dumb problems. It would also make it easy to identify those on campus who were not students. I think the teachers should have uniforms as well. It saves a lot of time when deciding what to wear. So I guess I am going against the grain on this one. But before you get angry, read my disclaimer. Buzzsaw.