Friday, November 5, 2010

The doctor slipped past security!

Greetings, HS Twilight here. I am completely enraged. In fact I just soaked a pillow in water, stuck it in the freezer, and threw it through a window. It was the windshield of a candy apple red Toyota Prius, license plate "4 JOY", I did it "4 FUN", so sue me. It will not be the first time! I sure as hell hope that it is not the last. In fact nothing gets my blood pumping like a subpoena or a criminal charge, especially if the statute of limitations expires within days! If you are wondering whether I got up on the wrong side of the bed I hate to inform you that I sleep on a Japanese style futon, which I roll up in the morning and put in my closet. Beds are for savages and slobs. But that is really not the point of today's tirade. I would like to focus my fury on Stephanie Meyer for the day.

One particular area which has gotten me so upset is her pathetic "analogy" between a Vampire that does not drink human blood and a vegetarian. It seems that Mrs Meyer does not realize that animal blood and human blood is essentially THE SAME THING! Of course I could let her off the hook on account of her "vampires" not actually being vampires. But that would be easy, and I hate the analogy. To begin with, if she is going that road, I would think that "vegan" would be slightly better. Actually, no, it is still really, really dumb! Why? Because the only difference is that they eat blood from animals. It would be better to say something about eating Kosher food or something. Perhaps comparing it to a catholic vow of celibacy. Of course Stephi-poo does not probably know what this means, just like she has no idea that vegetarians everywhere are turning to meat, simply so they are not compared with her attempt at fiction!

I would also like to point out another obvious flaw in her writing. This is her device of sending the vampires "away to hunt!" Even if you have never been to Forks, it would be obvious to a cretin that one would not have to go far to hunt! Just in the short time I was there I saw countless deer and a huge herd of elk. Of course a naysayer might try this tact, "they wanted to hunt bears for Emmett" well I happen to know a young man who made $100 hauling a dead bear up and down the valleys and hills of Forks, it is very normal. Hauling bear ain't a bad way to live! Hell, I would haul a live bear, if only to get me out of reading more Twilight! The reason she does it is because she is too lazy to come up with a normal reason for her characters to disappear for extended periods of time! For that matter, if her characters were smart they would have a piece of property that practically teemed with wildlife. Did you know that there is an animal called a cow? It just so happens that you can BUY these animals. In a place as remote as Forks one could quite easily buy and breed livestock. Hell Dr Cullen could have a butcher shop. It would be a very good cover. But cover and reality are not important to Steffers, she effortlessly avoids all practicality in order to sell a steamy romance, which is a code word for a steamy turd!

I am sure that this little rant will get my good buddy pal Buzzsaw a real ass reaming from his fawning fans. And I am damn glad! He had the nerve to kick me out yesterday, and the bastard will pay! In fact, let me turn my sites towards him. To begin with, his hair looks like hell. He truly thinks it is great, but right now it looks like a misplaced and overgrown bunch of pubic hair! And he got fat this summer, did he tell you? I think ten too many beers and greasy cafe breakfast are going to be his undoing. That and his pathetic need for attention. He tries to get people riled by announcing that he is in a relationship, I find that very hard to believe. The last date he went on was in high school, and the girl asked him to take her home after 5 minutes of him driving around bellowing "La Bamba" out of key. What a moron! Oh, gotta go, I here him coming!

                                                              Ha! The Dr. Hunter S. Twilight

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