Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Takin' a Time Out with Lando

Hi guys, this is Lando. I don't usually do this, I actually like taking pictures better, but this trip is getting crazy. The fighting between Buzzsaw and Dr HS Thompson is out of control. Anita K and I had to call hotel security. So today I decided that either we all sat down and worked out our differences in a civil manor, or they were both getting the boot. I think an Aussie and I can do just fine on the road without all the drama. So here is what I call "Takin' a Time Out"

[We are in our room at the Stratosphere, Buzzsaw is wearing an Ed Hardy shirt, a pair of baggy shorts, and birkenstocks with socks, Twilight is wearing a cut-off "I run with the Wolf pack shirt and tight wranglers, he has a do-rag on, and a pair of John Lennon sun glasses]

Lando: Alright fellows, I am going to have to ask you both to shake hands.

HST: Absolutely not. He just urinated and I did not hear running water.

BS: Were you listening through the door? And by the way I did wash my-[when interrupted BS opens and shuts mouth like a gold fish, it was pretty funny]

HST: [snarling] You disgust me. With your constant preening. Your self love knows no bounds. And I am 100 times the cocksman that you are-

BS: Alright Twilight, I can only listen to your babbling for so long. I have to take care of my looks if people are going to hire me to take pictures with them.

HST: A real man would be able to make it on his own. He would not have to "ride coattails", I bet you would be great on a casting couch. I know I have been. As I said yesterday, my "little black book" is more like the yellowpages.

Lando: Guys, this is great, but I don't think you are getting closer to coming to peace. And I need you to shake hands.

BS: I see no reason for that.

HST: Begrudgingly, I agree

Lando: Sorry, but if you don't do it Anita and I are kicking you both out.
[after about 2 minutes of silence, they shake hands, to be honest, I think they liked it!]

Lando: Thank you, thank you, thank you...Now, I want you both to say one thing that you like about each other


BS: OK Twilight, lets try to be adults about this. Alright. I like...wait...I...nope, I am stumped. He is so mean to me. It hurts. I have worked so hard to get where I am. It is just not fair. All I want to do is make a lot of money, and meet girls, and he...he just tries to destroy me.

HST: Destroy you? You have only yourself to blame. You were the one who thought it was so smart to go to Forks. If you would have listened to me and gone to Vegas you could be acting in a show. REAL stuff, not just "trying to write." And by the way, the only good entries on your blog are the ones I wrote!

BS: Alright Twilight, back off. If I would have come to Vegas I would have been eaten alive-

HST: For the second time in my life I agree. You have the toughness of a pudding cup. Now, if it were me, I would even be scoring chicks. I might have even found a way to MAKE MONEY out of that. You on the other hand are satisfied with slumming around in hopes that your pathetic "skills" might get noticed. Have you realized that you are not the only person with a blog? I think my neighbors French Bulldog has a blog. It's actually pretty funny. At least compared to yours.

Lando: OK Dr, let's not have one person do all the talking. Buzzsaw, would you like to respond?

BS: I don't even want to talk to him. All he does is sabotage the work I do. I could not believe the negative response I got from the "pieces" he wrote. And by the way, he begged me to do it. Hey "Dr", where did you get your degree? And did you know that you could get your own blog? If everything I do is so stupid, then why would you want a piece?

HST: Because I hate Twilight even more than you. And why should I tell you where I got my degree? You just want to try and attack me because you only have a BA. And what was your major? Oh yeah, "Applied Arts & Technology" wow! And you were happy that you "made up your own degree", its a dumb degree. That is why you were working welding boat davits. And you still don't know what a davit is!

Lando: This is way off subject. I want you guys to try and come to terms with each other. Can you agree that you won't fight anymore? And that includes doing it using fake facebook accounts.

BS: I don't see the point. I bet he will try to attack me with the bag of tangerines again! This is a joke.

HST: It doesn't matter what weapon I choose. You don't stand a chance! But, for the sake of Lando, I think I can agree to get along. if you will agree to go to a strip club with me!

BS: I don't want to go to a strip club. How is that relevant?

HST: A man would go to a strip club. I don't want to make peace with a small pubescent boy. I would slap someone like that with an old shoe.

BS: Thats it I'm leaving! [gets up]

Lando: If you want to stay with us tonight, you better sit down. And Twilight, I think the strip club thing is unfair. He can't help being scared, he is just not very manly.

BS: You too Lando? I hate you guys!

HST: Well good, because it will give your life a sense of fulfilment! I just thought of something I don't hate...STRIPPERS! This is Las Vegas! Why are we sitting here? I want to play baccarat! I want to go to after hours clubs! I want to PARTAYYYYY!

BS: Sorry, but I want to try and get some work done. And I would rather have a meaningful relationship instead of spending money looking at naked women who only care about my money!

HST: Well aren't you a sweetheart? OK, then, if that is the case, I am going to be staying with some strippers tonight, do not wait up for me. Lando, can we call it an agreement? I agree that he is a chump, and you do too. Right? [tears are welling up in Buzzsaw's eyes, he has started sniveling]

Lando: Well, I guess he is a little uptight. You need a ride to the club? You were going to Mr. Sparkey's Adult Gentlemans Club and Leisure Palace right? [HST is rubbing his hands together and looking back and forth in a wild and untamed manner]

HST: Either that or the Poodle Dog Lounge and Pup Room. Yeah bro, I do need a ride. See ya chump.

BS: I am going to the roller coaster. At least we are staying in the family friendly Stratosphere, it has things to do for those who are actually not sleazy!

[BS is standing, kicking aimlessly at a piece of paper on the floor]

Lando: I guess that solves it. I gotta run!


  1. Someday, I will visit the civil manor, perhaps to view their boat davits.