I am utterly ashamed that I let The Buffoon manage to drug me and trap me in the boot of the car. Which by the way he has given the most pathetic name "Car-lisle." If he had any talent at all he would have named it "Sexual Healing" which I am sure would have gotten conversations going in the right direction. Well he doesn't, and he was also fool enough to lock me up with Anita K's "emergency kit" which is a bottle of bourbon. It was the first thing I found when I regained consciousness. It was all I could do to remain in control. Locked in the trunk in sub-freezing weather, with the mind melting squeeling of Justin Bieber pounding from the speakers. In a matter of 3 minutes I had formulated 38 plans for ways to kill "Hacksaw" though I still haven't settled on one which would be humiliating enough.
It was after I considered feeding him to flesh eating flowers that I found the bourbon. I drank it over the course of the next few minutes, hoping it would knock me out so I would not have to hear his horrendous music. When it didn't I proceeded to rip slowly through the back of the car with one of the many knives I carry until I was able to access his seat belt. I then choked him so hard my own eyes were beginning to bulge out of my head! This was near the town of Boring OR. He is such a limp-wristed queen that he only struggled for about 4 seconds before he made Anita pull the car over so Lando could let me out. Shaking with rage I restrained myself from dispatching him then and there, because even I am not fool enough to think he won't be of any value at all. Of course the only thing he has going for him are his looks, he has the personality of a septic tank and the intelligence of an in-bred gerbil. In fact I would like to build a huge hamster wheel with a mirror on one side so he will run himself to death trying to catch a glimpse of his own reflection!
Well once we had the dunce securely tied up and gagged, our trip got exceedingly better. I got Lando to loosen up, slightly, though he still acts like a middle aged accountant most of the time. Anita was just happy to be traveling for warmer weather, and having a companion with a personality and rakish good looks did not hurt a bit. So we traveled on, and I took the opportunity of riding shotgun in "Sexual Healing" to throw pudding cups at road signs. Of course Lando whimpered like a schoolgirl at the very idea, so I slapped him with my belt. He cried in silence for the next 3 hours. At the first stop I almost made it with two baristas, but we had to leave, so I got their numbers and we rode on. At the next stop, I was nearly raped by 7 married women, so I lied and told them I was so full of STD's it would make the average casting agent look clean as the driven snow. All in all it was fun. We made it safely to Susanville, thanks to my skill at driving in the snow. We are staying in the casinos hotel here, and the first thing I did was win $5,000 at a slot machine. Not a big deal for me, but a big deal to some.
Of course I was so busy winning that I have worn myself out, and instead of continuing my narration of the trip, I am going to visit a lady friend whom I met at the keno game. I am also going skinny dipping in the pool. Just so you know, it is 26 degrees here right now. I hope he dies in the trunk, though I did leave him his "Carlisle Cullen" snuggie. He is a scourge to society, but I think I can make money off him later. I will be employing him as a male escort, which despite his unusual low IQ, just might work. I also might try to use him as a coke mule. Next stop Las Vegas, and in the words of Warren Zevon, send "Lawyers, guns, and money!" Obviously the women will be flocking. Love or hate me,
Dr HS Twilight.
PS-Naturally nobody picks hate. Though most want to pick, "jealous."