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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

CAN YOU COOK?

Due to my inactivity I am starting to get cold inside the house. As I am actively trying to save money I am not using the heat. I think this might be my cue to go to the public library and let you taxpayers pay for the heat! Sorry to beat the same dead horse but I have been having a blast looking at Craigslist posts. Not that I have only been looking at Craigslist, far from it. I spent OVER AN HOUR researching bigfoot/sasquatch sightings last night. Of course because I live in a target rich area (the Pacific Northwest has a rich history of hominid sightings), I am perhaps more passionate than some of my readers, but I digress. I had never looked in the platonic relationship section of Craigslist before yesterday, and I found it to be a bountiful treasure trove of delights. Probably the reason it is so funny is that it seems like the overwhelming majority of the postings are simply disguised as "platonic" when in fact they are exactly the opposite. If you doubt me (and if you are at all smart you should), please, I invite you to read on. I found the following posting to be quite amusing.

CAN YOU COOK, AND GIVE A RUBS DOWN? - m4w - 36


Date: 2010-10-04, 10:40PM EDT
PROFESSIONAL.....ITALIAN.5-11.....190.......DARK, SUCCESSFUL, SINGLE, NO KIDS,NEVER MARRIED.....SEARCHING FOR A SOUL MATE, PROFESSIONAL,SWEET HEART,

.......FRIENDS FIRST........SEND PIC AND NUMBER

I love the aggressive tactics of our Professional....Italian. He starts out with all caps, and darned if he does not continue yelling throughout the posting! I know almost nothing about "netiquette", but I even know that all caps means you are yelling. if nothing else this reinforces the stereotype about Italians being loud and obnoxious. Fortunately I do know three actual Italians, and one who claims Italian ancestry, and even speaks fake Italian sayings, which trust me is quiet magnificent to witness. Out of these 4 people, I found the stereotype to be true in three out of four cases. so wait, I guess I just shot down whatever seemingly intelligent conclusion I was about to "proclaim". Alright Buzzsaw, focus...CAN YOU COOK AND GIVE A RUBS DOWN? Trust me this a completely valid question. If you can't give a rubs down, why would anyone, let alone a PROFESSIONAL.....ITALIAN want to even have a platonic relationship. I am an unemployed, mulatto of untraceable European decent (part Swedish, Scottish, English, Prussian...untraceable) and if you came up to my in the club and tried to start a conversation, there would only be two questions. CAN YOU COOK AND GIVE RUBS DOWN? I usually throw that out on the table, and if I sense any hesitation at all, your goose is cooked. I am MOVING ON. You see there is a little thing, called www.plentyoffish.com and I happen to know that. So if you can't give RUBS DOWN, why would I want anything to do with you? Seriously, it is almost like getting punched in the face when you meet someone, think they might be the one, then find out that they cannot in fact GIVE RUBS DOWN. How hard is it? Not like rocket science. Not even like regular science. IT IS A RUBS DOWN! Sometimes people just make me sick. And I am not talking about H1N1, it is more like just depression. SEARCHING FOR A SOULMATE....PROFESSIONAL SWEETHEART. Strictly platonic. Some might think it crazy, but I have stood on a city corner and yelled the same thing. It really can be a drag just trying to cultivate a unique friendship in this shallow world. When I just want some ITALIAN food, a PROFESSIONAL SWEETHEART, and of course RUBS DOWN! MORE RUBS DOWN! AND EVEN MORE PROFESSIONAL RUBS DOWN! And you think your life is difficult. As I said, even the jobless guy would have these simple criteria before even having a conversation. Is it so wrong? I think not, it is a matter of priorities, and if you have a problem with it, TAKE A HIKE UNTIL YOU LEARN TO GIVE RUBS DOWN!

3 comments:

  1. ludicrous!!!!!!

    Methinks his noodle is a wee bit past al dente

    ReplyDelete
  2. I was laughing my booty off after this. Thanks Ian. You're makin' my day.

    ReplyDelete