Thursday, October 14, 2010

Just when you thought you were safe...

I think I might be a natural custodian. For some reason I have spent a lot of hours either working as a custodian or talking with them. First of all, I must say this, if you work somewhere and you ignore the custodian, for some reason thinking he or she is not important, you are making a grave mistake. First of all because you are missing out on getting to know the person in your office with the best stories, second of all because a lot of those stories might involve you! Sometimes it seems like a custodian can blend in like a piece of furniture, as if he was just part of the background. It is in these moments when people will say things, not even realizing that they are being listened too. Oh don't worry, its just the custodian. You had better hope that the custodian is not a writer, if so it could be that you end up in his tell all book. I imagine that the Enron custodian, or for that matter Bernie Madoff's maid, might have a juicy bit of news that nobody else has. Another thing to think about is this. The custodian knows what you eat, he knows how wasteful you are, and he probably has a good idea about your sex life. That's right the custodian knows. Why? Because he can see the pictures around your desk, he knows when you leave the office, and he listens to your voicemail. At least he does if he is worth a damn. He also hacks into your facebook, raises your cows on Farmville, and even harvests your beets. And who do you think is sending you friend suggestions? Of course it is the custodian, because he wants to get so many mutual friends that after awhile your friends just add him without question. the reason being that all custodians want to retire. They do not want to retire in five, or even ten years, they want to retire immediately. And what better way to retire than to blackmail the rest of the staff. or write that tell all book. Nice thing is that the custodian, and notice I do not say janitor, is basically ignored, so no one has any dirt on him. He just slips in and out like a shadow, just silently collecting information. Of course he might say Hi, or even Hello, but that is simply a way to get people to put their guard down. He might even go in your drawer and replenish your candy supply (yes he knows about the candy supply), just to make you that much more vulnerable. I bet you are saying "What would he have to blackmail me for", or "I am pure as the driven snow", but do you remember the conversation you had in which you unloaded about your friend Karen getting shamelessly drunk on your girls trip to Forks, and do you remember what you told about the "hotel incident" later in the night. Well congratulations, the custodian heard that. And by now he has friended Karen on Facebook and is simply biding his time. it will probably start with an e-mail, it usually does. Of course you don't open it because the custodian still puts "Free Viagra" in the subject line (custodial humor can be a little low-brow). But the next one will be a little more sophisticated, he will include some shocking photos (yes, they make broom handle cameras these days), and this time it will have a link to a paypal account. Oh and did you ever hear the tired saying "Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas"? Well it doesn't, because I am sorry to inform you, but the custodians are forming a sort of custodial mafia, and very soon they will unleash their power on the entire world. It might surprise you, but some custodians are actually quite well off. I believe some jumped in the game simply because they knew they could mastermind any crime from their "lowly" position. Funny how people just pass them by. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I don't. Which is why I know the difference between a janitor and a custodian. Based upon the wording alone, a custodian has custody. he keeps the keys to a certain area or building, and it is his responsibility. A janitor often has multiple territories, or even works in several buildings, and does not wield the power that a custodian has. And if you doubt me, next time you see your custodian, ask her what your bosses favorite candy is. It just might help you get a promotion! Salut, Buzzsaw


  1. Whoa!! I'll be careful from now on around office custodians!! Freaking scary!!! lol!

  2. one of my nicest fb friends is a wonderful travel photographer and is also the custodian in a large church; would surmise to say he probably knows more than the senior pastor about the congregation

  3. LOL! Love this. And I agree. I've always thought custodians get the crap end of the deal with people.