The Buzzsaw Report: Watch out Anne Geddes, here comes Buzzsaw!

Since I am just sitting around right now, I have had plenty of opportunity for trolling craigslist "in search of a job", and closer to reality, looking for stupid ads to blog about. This evening I was looking in Portland, as I had grown bored with Seattle, when I cam across the following:

2011 BABY CALENDAR/CONTEST

We are looking for just a few more baby's between the age of 16 months
to 5 years of age for "The Cutiest Baby Contest/Calendar". Each baby that
we move forward with will win a prize and agency contract for modeling/
acting jobs. We are a well established agency of many years and the calendars
will go out to our client data base for exposure for local jobs. Please respond
to this posting with only 2-3 photo's and a contact number. We will contact
you if we are considering your child.
GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At first glance, it seemed cute, nice, and cuddly. Not sinister and creepy. This is the INTERNET, it is not the place for weirdo's! Everybody knows that!. Anyway, since it was in the talent section I thought I should click on it to see how stupid the person sounded. If it was really bad I thought I might as well try to dress up like a baby and pretend that I was actually a man-child or something. Well imagine my delight, when I opened it. First of all, it is October, and these people want to get a calender done for next year. Not impossible, but kind of stupid. If it were me, I would just shoot 500 baby pictures in a weekend or so, then I would just keep using them for each years baby calender. Nobody can even tell, they are BABIES! If you have seen one you have seen them all (I know that is going to get me loads of hate mail, so bring it on)! I could probably bring in a shaven bull dog pup and pass it off as a human baby! This is just crazy! Anyway, I knew I could get the part when I read that they wanted the "babies" to be within 16 months and FIVE YEARS!?? What in the world is that supposed to mean. 5 year olds are in kindergarten! Some five year olds are winning chess tourney's, they might not have fully developed frontal lobes, but you can hardly call them babies! So, I immediately called my friend Shenny to see if he still had the Cupid costume he wore last year at Burning Man (if you don't know, look it up). Sadly, he did not pick up because he is at a Phish show in Vermont, but I knew he did not lock his house, so I decided to take the bus over there and check myself. After I finished reading the ad. Oh, and don't think I didn't notice that it is "The Cutiest Baby Contest", further proof that I could pass for a baby! I found it interesting that each baby gets a unnamed "prize", and is given an agency contract for acting and modeling jobs. First off, I want and am going to get that unnamed prize. I don't care what it is. I don't even care if I have to scare the hell out of a 16 month old baby to make the baby break down at the casting call. I do not lose contests. And dang it I want that baby acting gig. I have been told I look a lot like the Gerber baby, so I find it fitting that now I finally have a chance for my big break. And, you know, sometimes you have to make your own breaks! Thus, Buzzsaw scaring babies; probably going to happen! Towards the end of the posting I started to get cold feet. They are sending the calender out in hopes of getting jobs for the babies/kids, which made me wonder, if the client sees the baby/kid on the calender they might think. oh, that baby/kid is doing good, we probably can't afford the kid, if he already made a calender at such a young age! So the whole damn thing is shooting itself in the foot right at the end. Damn. And then they have the gall to say Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah well screw you cutiest baby group! You don't even know what age a baby is! Now instead of scaring the babies I feel like just sending shaven bulldog pictures, with the bulldogs raising their middle claw at the camera! Forget it, I don't even want a cupid outfit anyway! Buzzsaw signing out, with shattered dreams!

Postscript: After much pouting the author actually did go get the Cupid outfit and send pictures. He was in fact selected to audition. At the audition he scared 7 babies so badly they wet themselves, getting him on to The Cutiest Baby Calender! Look for it in every major supermarket starting December 1st! Who says dreams don't come true!