Secret information from my future book!

I am tired. I admit it, but I felt that I needed to do something to keep The Buzzsaw report humming along. I have been working on filling out resumes and looking at job applications and advertisements all day, so I decided to take the lazy way out and post one of the poems I was writing last winter. When I decided to take seriously the fact the Robert Pattinson and I look so much alike, needless to say I was stressed. I could so easily look like a moron trying to "be" somebody else or "act like Edward" (please shoot me if this is the case). As I am already an artist and musician, I did not want to be stuck getting compared to some guy I had never met. So I worked like crazy trying to figure out what to do! From the very start I knew I wanted to be funny, the whole situation was, and continues to be funny. So I wrote a comedy screenplay called "My Name is Not Edward" and based it loosely on my life using my funniest friends as characters. I think it would have been hilarious, yet impossible to pull off, so I am glad I pulled the plug after one day of attempted shooting (It was May). The poems I wrote first as a way to be funny and brainstorm, then we decided they were funny enough to include.

When I started writing, I was researching like a fiend, having never read Twilight or even known anything about it. During the course of this research, and it did not take long, I decided that it would only be fitting if I were to write poetry about Robert Pattinson. I would then perform it as him, as if the actual guy sits around writing gushing poems about himself. Our original idea was to film it like I was onstage at a coffee shop and use it sort of like Seinfeld, where he started/finished episodes with stand-up. Well I wrote a lot of poems, and we actually filmed one night, but for the most part they have been locked in my desktop computer "Samuel Langhorn Clemens", that is, until tonight! I was pleasantly surprised that I only had to look at three of the 30+ pieces to find on which is fitting! This piece is titled, Adult Robsession, it is dedicated to the "older and bolder", here it is:

Adult Robsession

I am

A sensible

Adult and

Though I am

Married,

I dream to be

A peacoat

Draped over Rob's

Perfectly muscled

Chest

My true

Actual, real

Hubby

Says he won't

Leave me

Though obsession

Has given way,

To stalking

And credit card debt,

A few

Months ago

I left home

My kids and man

To go

To

Forks WA

And find a man

That sparkled

It was sooo

HOT

Also I have,

A job as,

A CEO

And play

Farmville

On Facebook

Note: This is not about a real person in any way! It was written well before I ever went to Forks, or even got a Facebook account. It is meant to be a joke, I based many of these poems off of comments and message boards, so if you feel like it is about you, or making fun of you, please, get the help you need, go to, www.waytoorobsessed.org believe me, they know what you are going through!