Dear Twihards, a little help, because I care!

My Dearest Twihards, I am pained to disclose to you the following information. Edward does not love you. He is obsessed with Bella Swan, it is fairly obvious from the text. In fact it is painfully apparent from the movie, as well as the book. Remember the scene when Edward and Bella were in science class, and R-Patz made the "oops I just pooed face"? Well I am sure that K-Stew does. Well what they were trying to show was not that K-Stew smelled like moldy stew, but that she was so desirable that R-Patz/Edward was losing bowel control due to her savory odor. Now many of you Twilighters might say well I prefer a man with a nice body, not a pasty white snob who is constantly reciting Shakespeare just to rub it in the face of those who might graduate high school, or even get their GED. Yes their are those out there who prefer Jacob Black, and even Taylor Lautner, though I hardly ever hear anyone mention the "book Jacob". I am sorry my friend, but throughout the entire first three books and at least  half of the fourth, Jacob is also OBSESSED WITH BELLA SWAN! Which means, loosely translated, that until he gets obsessed with Bella and Edwards half vampire baby, he is also not interested in you. Now the reason /i am telling you this is not to be a jerk and rain on your parade. No, I like Twihards, they have been very nice to me. The reason mainly is to just be a jerk. I wouldn't want to rain on anyones parade, I like parades too much. Now if I were just going to be a jerk the whole time, and offer no solutions, then what good am I? No I am here to help. First lets talk Edward. Number one, do not try and lure Edward in by wearing a picture of him on your shirt, vest, tote, car, phone, or as your facebook profile pic. To begin with, if he is a gentleman, as they say, he will be greatly embarrassed by this display. In fact, I would advise those who are Team Edward to remove all Twilight items from their house as well. We all know that Edward has a little problem with stalking, so I would get rid of them for this reason alone. Also if a friend comes over and is totally wanting a piece of old Sparklybottoms, it is best if she not know that you are in the game at all. Ladies I know how jealous you get, I am trying to look out for you! That said, if you are going to Forks do not go into Twilight stores, this is for the same reason, but in Forks it is very crucial because Edward lives there, he might see you. If I were going to Forks in search of Edward, I would probably stick to the woods, then at night perhaps go to the bowling alley, or the teen center. I think that they have chess boards at the teen center so it is a good starting point. Lastly if you wait in the library you might see him too. I don't think he would be at the chainsaw store, but it is still really cool, so check it out. In fact that is a place you might run into Jacob. During my time in Forks and La Push I did not see any Quielleutte's with anything approaching "six-pack abs", this is not important. What is more important is to get Renesmee out of the way as quickly as possible. This will be difficult. In fact it will be hard that I recommend that all twihards simply go to one of the following websites: http://www.gettingridofrenesmee.com/ http://www.ihatethatdamnrenesmeeshestolemyman.com/ http://www.deathtorenesmeebutiwantbothjacobandedwardanddeathtobella.com/ I am sure they will be of great use in your conquest. Cheers, happy hunting, and don't say that I don't look out for you! Buzzsaw

postscript: I apologize to non-twihards, if you want to understand this piece better, read the summary of the Twilight saga on wikipedia. Or skip this one!